Puberty

The past few days, I've been looking at other girls in their twenties, either in town or on the telly, and I've been so envious.

I don't really know why it's only happening now. I'm just at an awkward place right now.. I guess I was envious of them, because they all live their lives as women. A grown-up adults. They do their shopping in the adult section, they are interested in fashion, hair and make-up, they can wear jeans and their backsides fill them up perfectly. They can go on a a shopping spree and a mad night out all in the same day, without having to spend days recovering.. Little things that everyone does day in, day out..

Then it occurred to me, and Diann even said it yesterday without me even saying that I had already come to the conclusion myself.. It's like I'm going through puberty all over again.. I'm waiting for curves, I'm waiting for me to able to fit adults clothing again, I'm waiting for my period to come back, I'm waiting for the moodiness to go away, I waiting to be totally independent again and to gain the confidence I need to live my life again, without needing guidance from Diann or Ma or family and friends.. I'm waiting for the trust in myself to return.

It's so strange. Sometimes I can't grasp that I'm 25.. And I seem to forget, that I'm the oldest at home now.. But I feel like the kid of the house at the moment. I don't feel like the older sister.. That's probably all part of it as well..

An awkward place. I don't like it at all. I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I sometimes even feel alien.. But I'm in a "transition period".. Like going through puberty, not being a kid anymore but not yet being an adult.. Recovering from Anorexia.. I'm not anorexic anymore but I'm not yet recovered. I haven't got what it is I'm going to get at the end of it all. But I don't know what it is I can expect either. Just like puberty..I'm feeling anxious, scared and confused.. not knowing what will come of it all, and I don't always know which way it is I'm heading.. But there will be new pathways and I'm becoming my own person..

It's happening all over again, slowly and it's such an uneasy feeling. I don't like it one bit.. Because what I just typed, I don't really want. I say I want it, and I know it has to be done, but I really don't want it to happen. I feel so torn, like I'm being pulled in both directions.. I hate it, and want it to go away..