THIN with Lying Eyes

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
After browsing on Internet and reading about other girls recovering and what they have done to help them through it, a lot of girls say that they needed to spend time in front of the mirror. Each day, if they're feeling up to it. This makes sense to me because for weeks and weeks I've avoiding mirrors, or if I had to look, I wouldn't be looking properly. I would want try to ignore and shut off the awful feelings seeing myself, would give me. If I would see either myself being ill or myself being fat. Both feelings can be too difficult to bear so avoiding the mirror is easier.

Once I'm becoming stronger and more aware of what's going on, in the world, in daily life and with me, I'm realizing that I will, sooner or later, have to come to terms with the changes my body is going through. Changes that I can see in the mirror, if I force myself to take a look.

I've haven't been weighed in 2 weeks, but I can feel that I've put on weight. I don't know how much, but I tell myself that it's a lot, that way it will never seem as bad. But I'm not allowed to judge myself by my weight anymore. It's what I see in the mirror and what it feels like being in my skin, that's more important.

Today I'm not too chirpy about being in my own skin. The past few days, I've been forcing myself to look in the mirror. I need to see the different ways I'm expanding and I need to feel comfortable while this is happening.
I looked a few mornings ago, properly. I wasn't having a bad day, so I just told myself to look. I saw a normal person. I didn't see someone who's skinny or ill. But I didn't see someone who's fat or obese either.

What changes did I see? My chest is growing, this is good. My legs are expanding, and they will keep on doing so, until they have the same amount of muscle as they used to have, which will take forever.. But I know I need these muscle tissues and I want these too. My behind is also expanding, only ever so slightly.. This is all inevitable, I know. Sometimes I don't mind too much, and I just remind myself.."In order to get better, I need to put on weight". Other times though, I look down and I see an elephant..
As for my stomach? This is constantly swollen. It's bloated and hard, because I'm not digesting the enormous amounts of food properly yet. So I don't really know if it's expanding, but I don't want it to and I would love to start doing sit-ups again, just to prevent me getting rolls of fat.. just to work on the abs.. But that's a no-go I'm afraid.

The changes I really despise and hate so much.. My bones are starting to disappear. I can't see my ribs anymore and the bone that used to stick out in my lower back whenever I would sit down, is also disappearing. This bone, I cherished so much. It would prove to me, that I was keeping off the kilo's or loosing weight. I loved it so much, no matter how awful it looked.. But it's going and I'll probably never see or feel it again..
My head is huge. It's disgustingly big and I'm like a hamster. I've always had this thing with my face and head.. It's always been so big and I would have a fat, double chin. Whenever I would put on a few kilo's it would always be in my face, my fat disgusting face and enormous chubby cheeks, like a 5-year-old. I hate it so much, and it's happening now again. It's also the first thing people see and the thing they'll judge my health by..This just makes me want to cover my head with a black sack, so nobody will think how well I'm doing or that I'm "fattening up brilliantly"..

Whenever I look in the mirror, I don't know if what I'm seeing is real. I don't know if I can trust my judgment anymore. When I was at my lowest weight, of 31 kilo's, I didn't see a skinny person. So how on earth do I know what I'm seeing today, is skinny or not? If I'm feeling fine, and I see somebody of a normal size in the mirror, is that just me convincing myself I'm not fat, when really I am? Will I be fooling myself? Or if I see somebody who is thin, is that just me "making a mountain out of molehill" or making a big deal out of nothing, because really I'm "normal" again and I'm just seeking attention and giving myself a reason to keep on eating? When can I trust what I see in the mirror is really what I am and what the world sees? This is a known as: Distorted Body Image. I looked up some information and it's scary how much I can relate to some of the quotes girls in recovery wrote: "My mirror image sometimes agrees with what I'm feeling, and sometimes it differs greatly.".... "It is clear to me that this distortion is the result of my own self-hatred, my own longing to be something and someone that I am not."... "It is a rebellion of my inner self, against the unrealistic ideals I place on myself, and against the unrealistic ideals that society places on me."..."I wish that I could see me how you see me, even if it is only for a moment."...
I read these, and felt like I had wrote them..My thoughts that others have put into words..

I look at girls on telly, and they are so gorgeous and skinny. They have normal lives and have bones sticking out. Why can't I? It seems so unfair.. Why is it so important for me to be thin? Why do I want it so much and why am I so envious? I can be like that if I want.. All I have to do is stick to eating certain foods for the rest of my life and that will keep me thin, won't it..? Won't I be happier that way?

I've always wanted to be healthy and have always watched what I eat. I was never on a constant "diet", I just wouldn't eat bad things regularly. So how will ever know what a healthy lifestyle is? Will I be restricting myself without even realizing? Will I never be able to let Anna totally go, because I don't want to weigh more than 50 kilo's..? What happens when I don't restrict myself, and eat normally and become huge and I'm not happy and start to watch what I eat..? Is it a vicious circle that I won't ever be able to break? When does living a healthy lifestyle and eating healthy, become unhealthy and harmful? Will I be able to see it?
It wrecks my brain, really it does. Because at the moment, I'm just stuffing my face and I hate it. It's not making me happy and it feels unnatural. When I get my own life back, I won't have any intention of stuffing my face. No way.. Not if I have the choice, I'm not going to eat my days away..