Decisions required..

Browned off by everything and tired of trying to stay on top of things. That's probably how I'd describe the past few days. Fed up of everything and sick of thinking about food and about what it is I should be doing. Constantly trying to keep myself busy and feeling drained whilst doing so. Somebody tells you one thing, the next person tells you another. What is it I'm supposed to be doing? What is it I'm supposed to be feeling right now?

Am I supposed to be feeling energized, like Mr. Acupuncturist said I was? But I'm not.. The last few days it's been up and down, all over the place. I can hardly keep track of how I'm feeling. I can't keep the pace of feeling up and then down again. I don't know if I'm actually tired or if I'm just lazy. I don't know if I'm doing good by lying down whenever I feel I need it and I don't know if it's good to close myself off from the world whenever I don't want to speak to anybody. How do I know if it's really how I'm feeling? What if I've got all this energy but I'm subconsciously choosing not to use it which will only make this whole process take even longer? What happens if that's what's going on? Then I'll never get passed this..

Mr. Acupuncturist told me that when I'm feeling full of beans on the inside (like I was on Saturday), or as he put it, when I'm feeling my spiritual zing, then I have to use it and I have to push the barriers. But what do I do if I'm scared to push because I don't know what's right. It's so head-wrecking.. What if I'm feeling low and I don't want to go for a 5 minute walk around the block..? Will I be just prolonging my recovery? Will I be making things worse by not doing what he's telling me to? I know what Diann would say..she'd tell me to only do it, if I'm feeling okay with it. I know that's what Mr. Acupuncturist meant as well.. But there's only 6 days in between my acupuncture treatments, so what does he expect me to achieve in such a short amount of time? Does he expect me to come in next week and tell him I'm ready to run a marathon? After a treatment, I'm tired, so I need to rest to get the benefits from it. By the time I'm feeling less drained and tired again, the week is nearly over and it's time to go for another treatment.. So what am I supposed to do?

The energy I feel is usually only in morning. Then I use it to write or to do other things that keep me busy during the day and going for a walk wasn't allowed to be one of those things, for such a long time.. Now of all a sudden it's something I should be doing. So it feels wrong for me to me take the plunge and do it. If I'm energized in the evening time, what am I supposed to do, other than do some work on the computer.. I'm fine with that, I don't put pressure on myself but I'm still feeling good about it so it's only normal for the need to push to boundaries, to frustrate me. I don't know if it's right.

It's just like eating.. Not knowing what's right. Not knowing if I'm doing good by myself or not. Decisions about food and decisions about life in general.. It can be so hard. Making choices for the right reasons and sticking to them.. But sticking to them, isn't always for the best either....

I just feel awful, drained, confused and I don't really want to do anything. I just want to go to bed and I want everything to just finish. I want everything to pass. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want to doubt myself anymore. I want to be sure that what I'm doing is right and I want to know what that thing is that I should be doing.. Is that thing I should be doing walking for 5 minutes a day..stuffing my face with everything I set me eyes on..doing what feels good..doing what feels bad..eating whatever I like even if it is less that my original food-plan.. Questions, questions, questions.. Who's to say what's right and wrong? Decisions that keep me occupied constantly and wear me out as I'm trying to see all the opportunities I have.. Is it right to load this all on top of me?

Every little thing that is a part of living a normal life, can feel too much to deal with. It can be easiest things that are the hardest.. like responding and interacting with people, having a discussion or expressing my view on something that isn't really that important or deciding to buy a coat or get a hair cut, at last.. When it comes to taking a hold of my life again and letting Anna go and most importantly, when it comes to deciding what it is I want to do with my life to regain my independence again, it can feel too much and all I want is to cry because I can't deal with any of it.

At the end of the day, it's my life. I'm the only one who can make the decisions and I'm the only who knows what's best, even when I'm muddled and confused and scared.. If I dig deep enough, I hope I find out what's best for me. But at the moment, just thinking about the decisions I have to make, can feel like the biggest hurdle yet.. Diann would say to look at all the other hurdles I've overcome and use the strength from that to get over the next ones. It's great to be able to put it so well into words, but putting it into practice is another story. Shattered confidence is probably making me think like this..