Eating towards comfort

It's Saturday morning. Another week had passed, another weekend to endure and another week awaits. It keeps on going, trotting along, and I keep forgetting, unintentionally, about the unimportant things and focusing on the things that matter the most.

The things that are important and the issues that need to be dealt with are different each week. Food hasn't been a huge issue the past week. I'm at the point now, that on most days, I don't need to force the food down my throat. I still eat according to my food-plan. I haven't really ventured out or tried anything different, over the past 2 weeks. I've stuck to what feels best. My food-plan is safe and I can eat as much of it as I need. I reckon if I have lost any weight, over the past weeks, then sticking to the food-plan has put it back on.

I think I can even see it. Sometimes I can see my figure changing from week to week. Just a small bit, each time. A little bit fleshier and a little bit softer. A little bit more meat to hopefully soon transform into muscle and make me strong again. My bones are gone and I have a backside. It has actually filled out and it's not non-existing anymore. Months ago, there was nothing.

The top half of me, is big. The bottom half is small. The tops of my legs are getting sturdier again. Tissue is being stored and my legs should get stronger. They don't hurt as much or cramp as much, when I rest. For months they ached whenever I would lie down, but thats not the case anymore. Now they only hurt for a short while, instead of hours on end, whenever I've been doing a little walking around the shops. The cramps don't last.

It's all changing so much. If I go for a few weeks without looking at myself properly in the mirror, I'm afraid I won't recognize myself. I won't have gradually adjusted to what I look like and I won't feel good about it either. So I have to look at myself, regularly. But isn't that what everybody does? Some people do it daily. Looking at themselves in a full length mirror in their underwear. All just to feel good about the skin they're in.

People who do this, know themselves, that it's confronting at the best of times. But I have to feel fine about it. Because right now, it's more important than eating. Because I eat all day long, without thinking. It's a normal and natural thing for me to do. But it's the effects it's having on my body, that I have to feel fine about. And, somedays I do feel fine. Because I know I can look fine in tight clothes and that people won't think I'm ill anymore. I fit a adults clothing again (I haven't tried it yet, but I can feel that I've filled out enough). I fit some clothes, that were hanging off me 4 months ago. I can feel my face, it's huge. This I hate so much. Laughing nearly hurts and takes so much effort, because the tissue in my cheeks has been restored, but not yet "transformed" into muscles.. Because I haven't had that much to laugh hysterically about.. I used to laugh my days away, over a year ago.. They muscles need to be trained again.

The main question, that all this weight I'm putting on, brings to mind is: Do people still love me and, more importantly, can I love myself with all this extra weight? People around me, haven't turned against me. I'm still me and they haven't left me in the lurch for putting on so many kilo's. Sometimes I feel I'm worthy of this love and others times I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I can love myself, with all this weight and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I feel comfortable in my own skin and other times I don't. But that's normal. Everybody has days when they look in the mirror and hate what they see and other days they look and they love what they see.

But, right now, it isn't as cut and dry as that. Because if I don't feel worthy of love, because I'm eating and putting on weight and losing my identity that I had created over the past year or 2 and worked so hard to earn, then that could create small problems that could lead to bigger issues. But I shouldn't think like that. I'm still me, at 35 or 45 or 55 kilo's. I have to learn to love myself unconditionally and if I can do so, I'll won't feel non-deserving anymore either.

Months ago, I had force the food down my throat. Eating made me feel like a failure. Now, I see it as something that is normal, something everyone has to do and something nobody can live without. That includes me. So I've eaten my way to force myself to see I can't live without food. Now I have to eat my way, to feel fine with how I look and with my weight. Will this come with time, too, just like the eating? Or will I have to do something miraculous for this to happen? The only thing that will make me fine about my weight, is by changing my way of thinking. And that's what I'm working on at the moment. It's something that doesn't happen over night, unfortunately. Not until I'm fine with my weight, will I eat with comfort.. Time is all it takes, even though it's a man-made concept that I have to let go of. It's still remains the only thing I have. Time.