Finding the answer

Getting away from it all and doing as I wish. It's as simple as going upstairs to isolated bliss. I once heard to be inspired you need some distance.. Between you and the world to venture into the world of your own. You should block out all the sounds and doings and beings that can distract and make you feel onedge. All the things that can lead you away from what it is that's brewing inside. That way, you make your own world so much bigger. The imagination expands so your world becomes a beautiful place. Even if you're surrounded by the same things that made you angry or sad or confused or unhappy only hours, days or weeks ago. The same surroundings but seen in different light. Seen through tortured eyes or bright eyes. Whatever way you decide to perceive the place you're in, that will also be the way it will bring you up and pull you down.

Needing something, anything just to feel like I'm getting away. Just to feel like I'm doing something. Just to feel like I'm doing good. Just to know that there is more than 4 walls that have gradually become my world. Closing off for a reason. Not to let Anna control my mood. Not to listen to her telling me I'm worthless. Not to let her be the boss of me. I'm my own boss and therefore I decide why it is that I might need to NOT be around anybody. Making my own world bigger by making it smaller. Opening the window just to hear to sound of life outside that reassures me I'm not alone even though I've chosen to be just that at this moment in time.

So, I sit and I wait. For something to happen? For me to overwhelmed by life itself? Seeking inspiration and letting my imagination run wild and reading and reading and reading..words that I never thought I'd ever understand or be able to relate to any way possible. But I can, as I've grown.

My head makes my world bigger or smaller. Right now, I choose for my world to be made bigger by trying to look beyond the 4 walls that surround me.

I can feel so annoyed by just the thought of normal things. I want them but I don't. I want to go for a walk, but I don't. I want fresh air, but I don't. I want to shop, but I don't. Do I give in to the feeling of wanting to be active or do I give in to the feeling of wanting to withdrawn? Do I need contact with other people than my Ma, Sean, Eileen and Diann? Do I miss my friends because I'm alone or do I miss them because they mean the world to me?

Am I rambling now to make sense of anything? Or am I just filling time, hoping that any second now, something is going to happen or something will pop into my head or the feeling of not being able to face the world but knowing I can and secretly wanting to, will leave? Am I making this feeling stronger by doing what I'm doing right now.. which is pretty much nothing.. Am I giving in or should I push? But do I want to push? Am I bothered? I know there's so much more and I want it so badly but I can't stand to be faced with the harsh fact of what's real and what's not.

Because what's real is that I've not a clue what to do and where to go. Is it just at this moment in time? Is it just today, Saturday afternoon? Or is it about the rest of my life? Is it the fear of what wil happen in January? Is it me bursting to get out and be myself? It is me bursting to express myself in every which way I can, but my body not letting me to? What is the answer? How will I know? Who will tell me? What shall I do?

Today, tomorrow, next week, next month. The same thing will be happening over and over again. Everyday I wake up and the same thing happens as the day before. Going to sleep at night is just to fill the hours. Other than that, there is no real meaning. There's isn't anything different to look forward to tomorrow, that will be anyway different than what I had to look forward to today..Food is all I have. When will it end? Will it ever end? Or will life just be like this forever? Me constantly picking myself up when I'm down. Everyday looking forward to the next meal because that's all have for company? Will life forever be throwing me all this **** at me and never just leave me alone and let me be?

Will I forever be dealing with things that are so difficult and therefore never be able to properly enjoy myself? Will there always be something in the way? Something stopping me from being the person I want to be? Will I forver be worried about how people will be judging me? Why is this a problem? Why can't I let myself be just who I am? Am I scared of what others might think or am I talking myself into a hole right now that's only getting deeper and deeper and therefore it will be harder to get myself out of again but I'll have to because getting myself out of deep holes and picking myself up after being struck down is what I'm supposed to be doing..forever..

How can a person try to stay so positive and up-beat, all the time..constantly, each and every day when they, at the same time, feel jealous and envious of people who are eating healthy and looking healthy and who are able to go out and about and meet friends and have a drink or two and care about fashion and about how they look and aim for goals and plan ahead.. How can somebody in their right frame of mind, do this? When someone sees it and has experienced it and therefore knows just how amazing life is, how can they be expected to keep this up without feeling like * **** ** ****...?? How is it possible? Who can answer this?

Can it be answered? I suppose I'm the only one who can figure this one out. I've done it before so I'll do it again, whether or not it sucks the life out of me in the process.