Inspired by Oprah

Walking around the place, not knowing what I should be doing with myself. I feel so uneasy, it's frustrating. I've picked myself up this morning. I was starting to come down, massively. I went back to bed, where I wanted to stay, but no, I didn't, I got up again. It was noon and I didn't want to see anybody and didn't want to make eye contact either.. That can always seem to be hardest thing in the world whenever I'm feeling bad..

To look in the eyes, to read them and see what's really going on underneath, that in itself can tear me apart.. not to mention the other bad feelings going on underneath. I felt so bad and couldn't look at myself. I've gotten so old. But I still don't feel mature enough or independent. A 25-year-old staring back at me, that looks like hell. Is that what has to get me through life? That person staring back at me.. It's me, getting older each day, each week, each month. Like everyone else I suppose.

I was watching Oprah yesterday.. sometimes she's great other times I don't think that much of her. But yesterday she was talking about middle aged women..all above 50(is it safe to say that being 50 is middle-aged??I don't want to offend anybody) and they were getting in touch with their true selves. They were slowing down. They weren't living and running through life like they did in their 20's and 30's.. No, not anymore.. They were finding out who they really were. I sat there, and it was all old news to me. These women were twice my age and I knew more about what they were going through than they probably knew themselves. I felt so old as I realized this.. My god, is this what's it's going to be like?

Yeah, I'm learning so much and I'm on a journey and I'm finding out who I really am.. but does that make me an old soul?? If I can relate to what these middle-aged women are going through.. Then is that me? I'm only 25!! I should be still running through life and doing and going.. this process should be a part of my life in 20 years time!! Not when I'm still in prime..(or I might be slowly passing my prime..now that I've realized I probably have more in common with women who are twice my age).

This makes me feel so so so old. It doesn't help that I'm stuck in this house, not really able to run that marathon that I've always wanted to run or hold down a job without bailing or not able to go for a long weekend away, without going crazy and missing my bed.. says she who would, in normal circumstances, been happy to sleep on the hard ground under the stars, with a sleeping bag for comfort..

All my friends, and people of my own age as well, are all going about their lives, not a worry in the world and acting their age. But me? Of course not.. Why is it that I'm always in a different place, going through some ordeal or another and at a different stage in my life, than everyone else? I've never been the "normal" one. The one who has stability and the one people can rely on. People never know where I am to depend on me. Or sometimes I not able to deal with other people's problems because I've got too much going on with myself (like at this moment in time) which also makes me undependable. But I would love for nothing more than to be there for all the people in my life..

I've never been "normal"..I've always had money problems, I've always had to lean on others, I've always been aiming for something or planning something while everyone else who is important to me, has stability and a secure home.. They have their lives sussed while Niamh still runs around like a headless chicken trying to take on the world in the space of 2 years. While people look at my life and think to themselves: "Niamh.. settle down and get a grip on reality!!" (I've never actually ever heard anybody say this, but I know for certain there are people who think this..)

Why is that there's has always been something going on with me, to stop me from building a normal life and having a stable home? Why do I care about this? Where is all this coming from? I can't answer that. But I know that I don't want to be a wise old soul at the age of 25. It seems unnatural but it's obviously the way it's meant to be and I reckon it is all happening for a reason. I also know that I've chosen to live my life the way I have done and with that life that I wanted and I still dream of having, comes an unstable being, comes financial instability, comes not having a home, comes not having normality. But normality is different for everyone. I want what's not normal to others, to be normal for me. So something's got to give. I can't live my dream at the same time as having stability.. Everyone wants it all, but that's impossible..

I can't have it all..Not when my dream is to travel and write and travel and write for as long as I want to. Not when my dream is for my home to be my backpack. Not when my dream is to earn money without working a normal 9 to 5 job. Not when my dream is to earn money doing what I love the most. Not when my dream is for everyday to be an adventure, no matter how big or small. An adventure can be hidden in every little detail that isn't part of my daily routine. It's something different and something new. Right now, an adventure for me is to walk to the garage. It depends on the situation and circumstances a person lives in as to what a person can class in their eyes as being an adventure..

So, am I living the dream? It doesn't feel like it. Am I working towards it? I hope so. No matter how old my soul has gotten, over the past months, the love I have for life, has also gotten stronger. Because I know what it's like not to be able to reach for the stars, when that's all I've ever wanted. So surely I can thrive on this power and energy I have bursting inside of me, that so badly wants to get out (and the only way I can let it out at the moment, is by ticking away on this keyboard). Surely I'm still in my prime and this period in my life will give me the chance to finally express to the world how much I love it? All the energy I want and need and am saving up so eagerly to get through this, will lead me to where I want and more importantly NEED to be?? Out there, on the big open road.. just me, myself and I.. a wise old soul, with no stability and nothing to fall back on, only the reassurance of having strength and wisdom within. Surely that should be enough?? Because at the moment, that's all I reckon I'll have..

So, in actual fact, I have got a lot.. It's not mainstream and that's what I wanted. It's not the way I planned to make my dream possible but the strength and wisdom is what I need in order to make it happen. So I'll get there.. I don't know how or when. But it's going to happen sooner or later.. Life is soon give me a break and I'll be needing it.