Relaxing on Sunday

The Follow-up on my weekend in Holland.

Sunday, the day after the party, we were in Sandra's in the morning. I had breakfast, All bran flakes. I must say, even though I was still feeling queasy and flu-ish, it was delicious. It was probably the only thing I enjoyed eating before setting foot back on Irish soil. It was different than my usual yogurt and muesli, so before falling asleep, I was slightly worried how it would turn out and what effect it would have on me (I didn't sleep well, and at one stage I wanted to get up to get sick, but I didn't give in..I wasn't going to give anyone the impression that not only was I anorexic..or recovering should I say, but that I had all of a sudden developed bulimia too.. oh no that wasn't happening..) The morning came and I was in a better place than the day before, so I was able to deal with the challenge of eating a different breakfast. I didn't feel too conscious eating it either. Actually I felt fine even though I was eating with "new" people around me. People with whom I haven't eaten in months and months.. But it was fine.

The drive back down to Orla's was peaceful. Everything that happened after that, was fine. It was because Saturday had been so intense, everything else seemed easy in comparison AND the stress I was under was starting to fall. The weekend was coming to an end and I was feeling it. Monday afternoon me and Sean were flying back, so I knew my bed and my food were getting closer which was reassuring.

Sunday was the day for sleep and rest. I lay on the couch, I ate (and still felt hot and cold, flu-ish, queasy and had to lie as motionless as poss, to stop the food from coming back up again), I went to bed and I actually SLEPT in the afternoon. This was unusual, because I hardly ever sleep when I lie down in the daytime. Usually I just lie there with my eyes closed. But Sunday I slept 2 whole hours and I was so grateful.

By evening time, I had already decided that all the food in Holland was awful. Maybe because I wasn't well or maybe because it was all so different.. or a combination of the two. I don't know, but it wouldn't have mattered what Orla were to cook for me. I sound like an ungrateful b****, and I'm so very sorry, but I can't help that that's how I felt towards the end. It was all too much, every little thing. But mainly the stress. My usual form of attack or defense against stress would be eat safe foods and as little as possible. But in Holland, none of the foods were safe and I wasn't allowed to eat as little as possible and I had to constantly think about what I was going to have for the next meal AND talk openly about it. That's what made it so hard.

Saturday I couldn't wait to be alone and to cry my eyes out. I was almost anxious at the state I was going to be in on Sunday, because that's when the barriers were allowed to come down. But Sunday there weren't any tears. There was nothing. I had no thoughts, just a ringing noise in my ear, from the sound of conversation. I wasn't an emotional mess, as I half expected myself to be. I had gotten passed it. Certain emotions come up at a certain times triggered by certain events and need to be let out at that moment in time. You can't make them come up, just because it's appropriate..if that were the case we'd all be saved a lot of embarrassment in this wonderful life. An example.. When I was still in school and the teacher would make a joke, everyone would laugh. And I'd laugh too. Within seconds everyone would be quiet and would have forgotten the joke and I'd still sit there, tittering and giggling to myself and would wish for nothing more than to be let out of the class so I could laugh my head off a little bit more, without having to hold back. But of course I'd have to for class to finish. Once class was over, and I could laugh my head off, I wouldn't need to..the moment had gone. I know I'm not only one who has had moments like these.. But what I trying to say is that every emotion is linked to a certain moment.. And as with the tears I wanted so badly to shed on Saturday evening, I knew they'd come up again and would be triggered by something else.. and they did, but I'll get to that later on.

Sunday I went to be early, watched some tv snuggled up and all night I sweated out the remainder of the flu-thing I picked up. I had a better sleep that the other nights, since being in Holland. The last night, it was all nearly over..