A step back

Trying to settle back into my normal regime of eating, since Tuesday morning.
I've noticed that I've been struggling slightly, or more than usual, with dinners again. Over the weekend, on the days I was traveling, I missed two dinners. I think that might have unsettled the easiness I was starting to feel around dinnertime.

Tuesday I didn't think twice about dinner. I needed it, because on Monday I was traveling and didn't get the opportunity to eat properly. So Wednesday I was taken by surprise when it was massive big deal, as to what and how much I was going to eat for dinner. It had been so long since I had been beating myself up about it. I had gotten used to normal portions and I wouldn't feel guilty for having it all. I would need a proper dinner, and more important, I would WANT a proper dinner.

However, Wednesday I didn't want it and I didn't think I needed it. I wasn't bothered one way or another if I would have dinner or not. But I did. It wasn't a lot and I felt so awful, yuck and guilty afterwards. I never expected it to become a problem so quickly and easily again. Which might have been slightly naive of me.. But I felt like I used to feel months ago around dinnertime.. visions of the food clogging my arteries, the food making me fat and traveling an unnecessary journey through my gut. O, how disgusting.

I had noodles and chicken with some salad. I had some cheese on it too, and that's what I started to feel awful about. The cheese. Why did I put 100 calories on my dinner, that I clearly didn't need and that are unnecessary. How silly am I for doing this? I was making the eating more of a challenge than it already was, by putting the cheese on it.. and to be honest, it wasn't even that nice either.. :(

On Wednesday, eating a digestive biscuit was wrong. It was 9 o'clock at night and I shouldn't have had it. It was turning into fat again, and made me feel unhealthy. But I wanted it, so I had it, no matter how guilty I felt for reaching up to the biscuit tin.. I'm a bad bad person..

Yesterday, I had a craving for cereal or shredded wheat, or something along those lines. I had some for lunch. Bad, bad, bad. This should have been the tell tale sign that I was restricting myself. But I didn't feel I was, because I was eating. Cereal and things were once my safe food, and me wanting to only eat this, all day long if I could, was wrong. I need protein and carbs for lunch. If I had a craving for the cereal, I could have had a bowl as a snack in between, but not as one of my meals, and that's what I did.

Each day, I've been trying to act on the hunger, but I don't think I've been doing it right. For some reason I can't go back to my food-plan. I feel like I'm going backwards if I do. I've been having 2 supplement drinks each day. When I follow my food-plan I have to drink 3. But I can't let myself. I'm not sure if it's because I don't feel I need it, or if it's because I'm restricting myself. It might be better for me just go back to the plan for a few days and to feel comfortable with eating that amount of food again until I feel I know why I'm choosing to eat WHEN I eat and WHAT I eat.. Because that's exactly what it means to eat intuitively. If I can't answer any of these questions, then I haven't a clue where I'm at, so there's no point..is there?

The possibility that I might have lost weight, feels good too and it might make me want to have one supplement less or a smaller portion at dinner or one glass of either fruit-juice or soy milk instead of both. So I have to get that notion out of my head. It's only wrecking it. I can't loose any weight. I can feel what it would do to me, if I did. Bad thoughts, bad habits with Anna in the driver-seat. I'll never know if I have or haven't lost weight..But either way, I think I'll just get back to the food-plan until I feel safe again. Because challenging myself at the moment, is only making me think of calories and feel guilt. It's takes stress off as well when I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. It's all there and it's all safe.