Work??

I woke up this morning..it's Friday by the way.. after dreaming about work. I've dreamt about work so many times over the past few months and usually it sets me up for a bad day because I start telling myself I'm okay and I should be working. But today was different.

In the dream I was back in Holland and back at work. I went into work, just to see how it would go and how I would feel being there. All my colleagues were shocked. Some of the girls I worked with, kept on holding my face. Touching my face and stroking my cheek, absorbing every detail of me that had changed. They didn't recognize me and thought I was their new colleague, when in actual fact they all knew me. But they didn't know it was me. I had put on so much weight and my face had changed so much. I was a different person. I was ringing the customers and trying to sell and have discussions with them, but I was led to tears by some of them. The stress and pressure that it caused me to feel in my head, was huge. Then I dropped something on the floor, bent down to pick it up and I felt a role of fat around my stomach and all my workmates seen it and were shocked that I had created a layer of fat around my gut. They only know me, to be skinny. So I felt disgusting, fat and awful by all the judging they were doing. We then went to lunch, which was on another floor. I had to walk up the stairs, but I couldn't. I didn't eat and I was too tired. After two hours of trying to work, I gave up. I told them I needed more time and I left.

After that, I went back to my room, in Breda. My roommate, Imke, was there and then another mate, Janneke, came to see me. In my dream, I had to stay in my room. I wasn't able to go back to Ireland. I wouldn't have made it, because I was too tired. So I had to stay inside, but I didn't want to because there was nothing there that would help my recovery. I forced myself to stick it out, for some reason or another, even though I didn't want to. Then all my mates, were going out for a night on the town (the best town in Holland by the way). I wanted nothing more than to join them, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed because it would only slow my recovery down. I needed to stay in my room, until Anna was gone. Only when she'd left me was I allowed to venture out, dance, socialize, be merry and enjoy myself.

I woke up, and my first thought was.. oh no, here we go.. The guilt of not working is going to stress me out and make me feel like ****. I switched it off for a while and now that it I'm thinking about it again, it's okay. Nearly everyday I think about work and ask myself, now that I'm feeling more calm and rested compared to 2 weeks ago, if I'm able to work and would I want to work. But the answer to both questions is no.

I hear and read about other girls recovering. Some of them still go to college or still work and go about their daily lives. Sometimes, just to torture myself, I'd convince myself that I should be doing the same thing. But, as Diann has told me many times, every case is different. Everybodys' body is different. Some people have had milder cases of anorexia than others, meaning they were able to still study and work. Some might only have had to stop and slowdown for a short while. Some even struggle for 14 years and live their lives as normal. I read a story of a woman who started fighting Anna back in 1992 and she is still isn't over it. I mean, 16 years!!! That's a lifetime.. It shocked me to see how different each road to recovery is.

So, mine is different too. I don't want to think about going back to work, until I know for sure that I'm better. I'll know when that is and not until then, will I be mentally and physically able to focus on other things than Anna. If I were to be working, even if it were only to be parttime, I wouldn't fully be focusing on fighting her. I'd be re-occupied with other things, and beating Anna wouldn't be my main priority. I wouldn't be able to give it my all at work and I wouldn't be able to give my all at finishing this "task".

Being away from work, gives me that time to focus. The time that I need in order to beat her. It's like what Mr. Acupuncturist said to me yesterday..if I've already come so far in such a short space of time, and I continue to have time to push at a healthy level, then every little issue and every little detail will be dealt with and I'll get through it, properly with much more ease than if I didn't have this time to focus. I'll see clearly and be certain when this period in my life is over. Not until that happens, will I let myself go back to work. I'll start thinking about what I want to do with work, when the time is right. It's not important and I won't help myself by worrying day-in day-out about it.