More overthinking..

It's Friday morning and I've a tiny hangover..
I went out to Johnnie Fox's pub last night, with Ma. The Elders were playing and as I hadn't seen them before and seeing as though it was their last night to play in Ireland before they go back to America, I didn't want to miss it. The lead singer of the band is Julies brother, so their whole family was there and it was a really good night.

I had acupuncture yesterday afternoon so I was kind of tired around dinnertime. Also I think that the hectic weekend might have been catching up with me yesterday. I hadn't felt so tired in a while. The acupuncture was really great and made me feel totally chilled-out but sleepy too. So to begin with I was kind of wary about going. But approaching it with the right frame of mind, was the only way to go about it. And that to me means, having no expectations, having no worries that I'll suddenly be upset, having no fear as to what I might drink and how it might make me feel and basically just living for the moment, taking each one as it comes (this was also how I got through the weekend so fine). And that's what I did and it was so great.

I wasn't feeling tired at all. I didn't have a party-food plan. I didn't tell myself how many glasses of wine I was allowed. Nothing like that. Beforehand I knew that I'd let myself have wine, I knew that if I didn't want anymore wine it wasn't because of not letting myself have any fun or that it wouldn't be for needing to restrict but that it would be purely because there's only so many glasses of wine I can stomach. There was a slight hesitation as to how I'd deal with listening to a live band, in such a small space with so many bodies all together. But I needn't have had any doubts that I wouldn't have been able for it, because I was.

It was a really good night and the music was brilliant. I had 3 glasses of wine and was slightly tipsy, but nothing major. There was such a great atmosphere and as I looked around I couldn't imagine that months ago I wouldn't have been able to deal with a night out like that. And it almost made me sad that not being strong enough to appreciate and enjoy the music, would have meant missing out on such a great thing. They were so great on stage and it was like the band and the crowd were one big family. They always tour around Ireland with their own fans, from America. So I suppose they do all know each other and you really could notice it. I could actually feel the love in the place and I was just so grateful for being able to be there and feel great about it. That fact alone, made it into a great night.

We were back home at around 1.30. The drive back, was so long (45 mins) and when you've had a little bit too much to drink, it doesn't do the stomach any good. But I wasn't sick and when I came home, I had to have a bowl of cereal. I needed something to soak up the alcohol to stop me from being sick. And it worked. I woke up this morning, and felt a groggy but not too bad. I didn't let the bowl of cereal I had last night, ruin my breakfast. I tried not to let the 3 glasses of wine make me feel like a bad person.

I have to admit that I could hear myself trying to convince myself of this. But as I'm sitting here writing it, I'm making it into less of an issue. Because I'm not a bad person for having had a good night. Thoughts that were trying to rule me, were saying that I now should drink gallons of green tea and water to compensate. But if I do, and I'm still eating, then isn't that fine? I found myself wanting to feel healthy again and to get back on track. But back on track of what? Of living without alcohol? Or of living healthily and rebuilding my strength? But surely last night was a part of the rebuilding? Didn't it prove that I can listen to live music without it wrecking my head? Doesn't it prove that life is getting back to normal and that everything is getting easier? So why do I want to get back on track again? I haven't gotten "off-track" so I shouldn't feel like I've done any harm to myself.

The point I'm trying to make is that after a night out, I don't have to feel bad. And just because I want to do myself a lot of good today, by getting fresh air, going for a walk, resting and eating nice foods, doesn't mean that I'm restricting. Because I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing what I want and it's therefore the right thing to do. Why am I making such a big deal about nothing?

The thing is, at the moment, I find myself analyzing lots of things I'm doing (especially since Monday), just to see if there is any reason for me to think that I'm going backwards instead of forwards. Maybe I'm looking for problems where there aren't any. Maybe, maybe, maybe.. Who knows..but analyzing it, only helps to a certain extent. Then I have to stop it before I go too far. So I'm going to stop right here because I now know that whatever I do today, is because I WANT to do it and I know that there aren't any other "forces" at work. So that's it for now.. It was a great night, I enjoyed myself so much and I'm feeling fine (and looking forward to lunch and need some fresh air)...