My plans so far..

My plans for Australia are coming along nicely, over the past 2 weeks. When I had decided to go back, I didn't really have any definite plans as to what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I wasn't stressing about it and knew that everything would fall into place once I got there.

Last week however, my aunt Trish rang, and suggested I come and stay with them, for some weeks. Seeing as though I wasn't too concerned about where I'd be going and what I'd be doing, it didn't really seem like something I had to think twice about. It actually seemed like the wisest next step to take, towards starting to get back in to the traveling-mode again. So I happily agreed. I was planning on visiting them anyhow, so it wouldn't really matter when. It would also give the homefront a more secure feeling..me flying out of Ireland to be around family for a few weeks or however long. From there, I know I'll know in what direction I want to head and what I'll want to do. Everything will fall into place, as it's supposed to. Of that I'm 100% sure.

So I'm pretty happy with how it's planned out so far. I'll be flying to Brisbane, which is pretty near where they live. Yesterday I booked my flight. Finally, after weeks of deliberation. I didn't really see the point in postponing it any longer. So I'm flying out of Dublin on the 23rd of April. Ma's first reaction was..that's not the end of April!! But hey-ho.. what can I say? It's 6 weeks from now and I'm so glad that I've finally settled on a date. Now, there's no turning back.

The whole feeling I had of being convinced that something was going to get in the way of me going or that I might be jinxing it by talking about it so much, has gone. Now that it's booked, there's nothing holding me back. And the more I would tell myself that something is going to go wrong, the more likely it would have done. But not anymore. The plans are made and I'm sticking to them.

Excitement, liberation, freedom, buzzing..are all the feelings that are going around inside. But I have to admit that there is a small part of me, that's flying to Brisbane, for Ma, instead of flying to Melbourne. I don't know why.. To make her happy, I suppose. For me, there wouldn't be a worse feeling in the world than to know that Ma is against me going (even though I know she doesn't want me to).. Now though, she's kind of more happy about it, because of this. Which then can frustrate me a little too. Of course there's a larger part of me that wants to go to Brisbane, to start off. I'll be setting myself up again, I'll be adjusting, I'll be around familiar people and most importantly: I'll be in Oz.

Then, it starts.. the thinking..and I know I'm doing it too much again.. There's also a small part of me that feels like a failure for flying to Brisbane. Why? Because hearing people say that they are worried about me and wondering if I'm strong enough to go to Oz, just makes me more determined to show them all that I'm capable of it and with that I'm wanting to push myself further and challenge myself more by making this next step as big as possible. It's so unnecessary. Because I have nothing to prove to nobody. But I just can't help being so determined that I'm strong enough that getting there, simply won't be enough. I know where it's heading and I know where it's come from so that's okay. And when I think these thoughts then I have to think again (as if I'm not doing that too much already..) and I know that it's the right thing to do and that it is really is something that I WANT to do.

Proving to others what I can do is me proving to myself what I can do. But I can do anything and I know that. So why would I want to put more stress on myself, by not flying to Brisbane?? What would be the point? Flying anywhere and doing anything, is a walk in the park for me, after that past months, so why I can't I just do what I want without doubting that it's too much or too little? I haven't got an answer to that.

The past weeks I've been remembering certain things, that I choose to see as a sign that going to Trish and Ed is the right next step. The first thing that I remember is that when I was in Holland back in November and being so muddled-up and just a mess, I said goodbye to Trish and Ed, and I'll never forget the thoughts that went to through my mind, as I was leaving - especially when I was giving Trish a hug - and that was me secretly wanting to be out there with them, in April. And that's no joke. I was so weak that night and felt like there was no way I'd ever get back on my feet. But still I said to myself.. April..that's when I'd love to be seeing them in again, in Oz..

I never thought of that good-bye since.. only the past few weeks, it started to come back to me. So strange that those thoughts were already there in November, when I hadn't even decided that I didn't want to live in Holland anymore. I hadn't made any plans about going back to Oz, I hadn't thought about anything that far ahead..just getting back to Ireland and to my bed was all I really wanted. But still, April and Oz managed to stick.. I seem to find that the strangest thing ever. The other thing that I remember so well too and that I also choose to see as a sign.. is when I was at my all time lowest, I'd dream about living any kind of happy, healthy life or the the life I'd love so so much and I'd always have visions of me being in Oz, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dry, red, flat landscape, sitting outside and being totally at ease, strong, revitalized, energized and happy whilst writing, with a beer in my hand. And another little secret.. I was in Trish and Ed's.. Isn't that another freaky little thing??

Those are visions that I'll never forget. And guess what..they won't be visions alone. They'll be made a reality..Isn't that amazing? Some might say that it's my imagination running so far ahead of me, that it's almost done a few extra laps and will be catching up with me soon again.. But so what? To have visions of something and to dream about it and then to actually know that you'll be getting as close to those visions as physically possible.. Could anybody ask for anything more? I couldn't. The simplicity of the smallest little things and seeing them unfold before your very own eyes is so cool but then suddenly looking back and not seeing how everything led to this point. I could never have known months ago, that this was all going to happen the way it has done. I didn't intend to actually make those visions of me being able to be strong enough to fly, a reality. It's all just happened and it's all fallen into place. So those imagines will be coming alive.. and I sometimes can't quite believe it.

I'm not scared that something might get in the way. If it does, then so be it. I'm not anxious that I won't be able to do this, because I will. I'm not doubting myself that I'm making the wrong decision, because it feels good. I'm not stressed by what is going to happen so soon, but relieved that I'll be branching out again. Spreading my wings, to experience freedom, still slowly but with enough strength.. Maybe I'm a superstitious person, but that doesn't bother me.. There could be far worse things to be in this wonderful life.. So my mind is settled and at ease once again and it's all still happening!!!