Telling the world.. 4

As beautiful as it this life is, I could write about it forever.. and as great as I'm feeling.. I'll get back to what I was chatting to Diann about yesterday.. I was telling her about my visa and that I'm starting to tell everybody and we got onto the subject of it being the right time or not.. Because I know lots of people will think it's too soon for me to fly to other side of the world. So I instantly find I'm needing to justify myself to them and reassure them that I'll be okay and that it's not too soon. I did need to take a step back and really ask myself, is it not too soon? So since January I was thinking back 2 months and seeing how far I've come. And then thinking forward 2 months.. And that's when I knew that it isn't too soon for me.

Diann said that I've come so far, so quickly and that it is amazing, but seeing me as the person I am, it's not too much. She believes it and I believe it. We spoke weeks ago about how much harder it will be for the people around me, as my leaving day gets closer, than it will be for me. This is only normal because they've seen me coming through the past 8 months. They seen me when I was ill. I didn't see me.. And I still don't see how ill I got. All I can see is me, today and all I can feel is how great I'm doing right now. Once I leave, any control that my family once had over me and my health, will be gone. It's out of their hands and it's all in mine. No one elses. So yes, I understand. But I don't feel like I should have to start convincing everyone that I'm fine to travel again. It's draining me, to be honest. I believe in myself, and Diann believes in me. I don't know if anybody else does, which really makes me sad. I mean, if I've come so far the past months, then shouldn't that be enough reassurance for everyone that I can do this, and be fine..

I was saying to Diann yesterday that I sometimes can't see how well I've done as I can't compare myself to anybody else, because I don't know anybody who has had anorexia.. Diann said that I've done a tremendous amount of work, and that it might seem overwhelming, but really it doesn't have to feel like that because I determined the speed at which I recovered. And from Diann's point of view, it didn't go too fast. I was able to keep the pace. She said to me that when I started the treatment, back in July, that the timing was right and I wanted and needed to get better. I also had the right support to get me through.. Ma, Diann, Mr. Acupuncturist, my blog.

I heard myself saying that after having all this help and support, and realizing that I'm blessed by being surrounded by these wonderful people, that I can't take the credit for beating this. That's what I felt really strongly about weeks ago, but it's started to kind of soften a little. And especially after Diann telling me yesterday that she knows girls who are sent to amazing "rehab" centres in America or England and have 5 times the support that I had, but would still not be either willing or able to beat this. She was also telling me about some clients of hers that simply aren't ready and that it therefore wouldn't matter if she would spend 24 hours a day, working on them.. because they're simply not willing or not determined enough to fight back.

For me, the time was right to start fighting back, and with determination and the right support, it all come together and nothing was too much. I shyed away from nothing, I didn't medicate myself, I didn't cut any corners, I dealt with everything head-on. Or as Diann put it: I faced my "dark knight" and engaged with the anorexia so much, that I'm now feeling the benefits from it all. And that's why she doesn't think that it's too soon for me to go. She always said that I'd feel when the time is right, and it's right now. So why should I start doubting myself and questioning this great feeling I have inside?

For a short instant, it made my head spin, listening to her talk like this, because it didn't sound like she was talking about me. And I've realized that I've gone from fearing nothing in this world, except eating, to fearing absolutely nothing (including food) in this world except the fear of looking back at what I've gone through. I instantly start to choke-up and get that awful pressure in my chest again, whenever I hear someone speak about it, or if I read any of my blogging or if I see myself back then. I don't really know what I should do about that, or if there is anything I can do. Maybe it's a sign that I am all better now and that the truth of it all is seriously hitting home.. I'm not too sure.

However what I'm sure of is that my timing is right. I can't let other peoples concerns get me down too much. At the moment that's the only thing that is making me upset and bad again. But I can understand them, I really can. However thinking back and feeling the fear of what I've gone through only gives me more determination that I'll be okay, that I can do anything and that I'll never let myself get that ill again. The good thing that could come from me feeling this fear of looking back (which is quite strange, because usually it's looking ahead that can bring on fear), is that it makes me understand more why others can be so concerned and worried for my health. But it does get to me that they wouldn't believe in me to be strong enough be able to make it over there, and to live a full and healthy life..

Diann believes in me. And I believe in me. So in addition to my next step, which is going to Oz, I'll be spacing out my sessions with Diann and my acupuncture treatment. I'll be cutting down on this blogging too. I don't want to go "cold-turkey" suddenly.. Slowly closing everything down and everything will work itself out. And now that I've written about Australia and that I've been telling people, all is left to do is to wait for a last email from work and then book my flight..

But today, writing this piece, was a big thing. I felt this morning, that once my plans have been said, that something might go wrong. If it does, you'll be the first to know.. But also, I felt like I'm now opening-up and giving so much of myself..more so than I ever have done..which is strange because I think I might have written much more shocking stuff on this blog than this. I could feel it in my heart, as I was writing, and at the same time if I hadn't chosen to open-up today, it would also have weighed heavy on my heart.. So today was a bigger step than any other. Anyhow, it's out there now. If things go belly-up over the next weeks, then I'll know it's not meant to be. For now though, all is fine and all is well. Signing-off and will keep you posted....