My Ma

It's Wednesday morning. I can't quite believe that tomorrow is the day. I'm flying to Oz. Finally it seems to be happening. There's not that much left for me to do now, except right here, right now. On my blog, I need to stop for a minute to say a few words for someone in particular who has, just like Diann, played a leading role in my life and throughout this adventure, and it probably goes without saying that I'm referring to my Ma.

On Monday when we were with Diann talking about how we came to meet her, and how Ma acted when it first came to light that I was ill, I realized even more, how difficult it was for her. Because as she spoke, she was speaking as if she was alone in the world, with this ill child of hers, with nowhere to go and no one to help her. There was little places of refuge out there and Ma was having to cope with all of it, pretty much all by herself. How scary that must have been, I can only begin to imagine but will never fully comprehend. Being so alone, fighting for the health of your daughter, with no certainty as to how or when the treatment would take place and no idea that if we were to luckily get treatment, if it would actually work. How much of the unknown and how much worries can one single person endure, in such a short space of time.. I do not know. Ma couldn't really share this with anybody. Yes, she could speak to others, but she couldn't properly lean on anybody else. She needed to be pulled through my illness, just like I needed to be pulled. Maybe not as much me, but still to a certain degree. And there was really nobody there, just herself.

The burden of an illness that took over her life, her household, her mind and her body, was brought upon her so suddenly, so intensely and so vividly. Others told her, the treatment I was finally getting from Diann, wasn't working. It wasn't enough. I was still a mess, I was still on the verge of falling down. Ma told us on Monday, that she didn't listen to such advice that came from others. She listened to what felt right, and that was the road we chose. Or the road Ma chose.. She said she was the only one who knew me through and through. And she therefore knew that somewhere underneath the skinny exterior was the strong and determined young girl, who once upon a time sat for hours as a toddler with so much determination, whilst trying to fasten the buckle on her sandles. Ma knew that I was still in there and that I'd be able to get through this, without the hospital.

She has proven to have known what was best and isn't that what they.. "Mother always knows best"? I suppose it is. When it comes to my Ma, it's true. Even though for years we weren't around each other on a daily basis, she still knew me so well. It didn't matter that I'd had been across the world and had created my dreams, which I was trying so hard to pursue..that didn't change who I always was. It didn't matter that for months I avoided being around her too much when I lived back in Holland, for fear of confrontation about my weight. None of that was an issue. All that mattered was that Ma knew what to do, because she knew the real me and had faith.

Ma acted so bravely, so efficiently, so courageously and so wisely. She was never angry at me for having put this illness upon her or for disrupting her life, as I did. She never resented my darkness, she never shyed away from my gloomiest hours. She never seemed to fear anything and was understanding beyond belief. She never showed frustration or weakness. Because of her strength and because of her past. Without having been through some of the stuff life has thrown at her, this illness could have forced us to grow apart, it might not have been as effective as it has turned out to be and the journey could have been made 10 times harder than it already was.

I admire her for everything she has done, not only over the past year, but always. Diann has said it before too.. She has admiration for how open minded, involved, understanding and strong she has been throughout the anorexia. It's such a complex illness and can seem so unnecessary to some people. There aren't a lot people who can even begin to understand the ins and outs of it. But Ma did. She tried her best and never let it get her down. She was never defeated, even when I felt I was and therefore felt that she should also feel the same. Ma told us that there were days when she thought we'd never get through it and sometimes wondered if this illness would ever let us out of its tight tight grip. But even with such doubts, Ma never gave up hope that I would come out a winner. She believed in me every step of the way, and stood by me and supported me in exactly the right way, at the right times. Her coming to the sessions week in week out, is something that is unique, according to Diann. It doesn't happen very often and the psychological support that comes from that, is huge. It was the support that I needed, and I got it.

Me and Ma were always pretty close to begin with. Having come through Anna together, has brought us closer. Right now, I'm at the stage where I need my own space. Ma knows, respects and understands that. So I don't have to feel bad for wanting and needing to branch out and leave this behind. It's like with Diann, I'm not leaving anything behind, but I'm taking so much with me that sad feelings, for being apart, shouldn't be overbearing. It's healthy, as those who we consider to be our world, are in our hearts and we want them close and safe in our surroundings. But life doesn't always work out like that.

I used to feel that stepping away from this period in my life, was like a sin. I felt like I only took and took and took from Ma, and that I wasn't giving anything in return, but just an extra person to miss, once I'd be on my way again. I think and I hope, or actually I know, that I've made peace with that guilt. I can try to understand a mothers' love as much as possible and therefore see that nothing is ever too much. Receiving help and health from a mother, isn't being greedy, needy or selfish. In life, if we cannot turn to the ones who love us most in the world, then who can we turn to? As I was not loving of myself, but needed to feel loved by others, just to get my health back and then learn to love myself again, Ma offered me her guidance in that process. After everything, I can say that I do now love myself unconditionally. I have a closeness to myself and a closeness to others, that I never felt before. This is what has given me my life again and this, in so many ways, I owe to Ma. I've read before that everyone owes their life to their mother. But for me, it's so much more. I owe this second chance I've been given, to her strength and her love. She gave birth to me once and yet has also been the reason for this newness that I feel, that lives and breathes inside of me today.

As I said about Diann, the same goes for Ma: words will always sell my feelings short. Maybe just keeping myself happy and healthy will be repayment enough. Such simplicity but yet so precious. Tomorrow I'm not leaving Ma behind, she's with me always. For keepsake. Today, more so than ever before.