Fantasizing and dreaming about food

My evenings are not like those of a typical 25-year-old...

I sit and watch the television. I think about food. The telly in on, but I'm not taking it in. I'm analyzing how much calories I have eaten and what I have done to burn what I have eaten.

I sit there, and because I haven't eaten enough, I start to feel and cooling sensation in my forehead, I start to feel dizzy and my legs are weak whenever I get up to pour myself some tea. This is the feeling I want, I tell myself. Glorious. Because now I am secretly pushing and punishing myself. I can feel the physical effects my eating patterns have on my body and I know I'm doing well.

The feeling the not eating enough gives you, in your head is like being high. Things pass you by, you don't care what goes on around. You don't feel adrenaline. This is because your brain is only supplied with adrenaline, when your body has been fed certain fats. I don't feel this, because I have been so good as to not eat any fatty food (except for my 5 nuts in my yogurt in the morning).

As I sit on the couch, I am thinking of my digestive system. Has the food been digested already, the 2 slices of toast I had for dinner? Then I am already thinking about what I am going to have to eat tomorrow. What will I have for dinner? What spices will I use. How extravagant can I make something, just to get the most satisfaction out of my dinner? More importantly, how much little will I let myself have for dinner? What time will I have my yogurt? This is crucial, because I don't let myself eat for 16 hours, between dinner and breakfast. So I must stay up late, so I will wake up later, and then I will let myself sit and enjoy my yogurt. I fantasize what flavor to have.. strawberry, vanilla, pineapple, peach or forest fruits? They all have the same amount of calories, so I don't have take that into consideration..thank god, one less thing to worry about.

As the night goes on, I feel dizzier and get a few more weird sensations in my head. But this doesn't matter. Because today I haven't starved myself. I ate 4 times (well, all this week anyway.. 1 yogurt, 1 apple, dried fruit and toast!!). I have done well. And I am still managing to feel like I'm pushing myself. This is great! But I don't have the energy to pop on the computer to browse or to email or to do other things that would otherwise keep me busy. I just have sit, like a zombie, because I have no energy. Conversation is minimal, because I'm just not bothered.

It's around 1 o clock in the morning. I drag myself to bed and give my best attempt to burn a few more calories before going to bed, I walk up the stairs with full force and brush my teeth for as long as possible.. this will also mean that I will be in bed 5 minutes later.. which again is better for in the morning.. I might sleep 5 minutes longer.. which means a slightly later breakfast.

I then lie in bed, read my book until the words start doing Irish jigs across the page, I switch off my light, I lie there in the dark, thinking about what I have eaten today. I don't feel too bad. But what will I feel tomorrow?
I listen to the slow beat of my heart. I feel the bone in my lower back sticking into the mattress, I put my arms around my ribs and tell myself I'm fat. Why? Because I can. There's nobody there that is controlling my thoughts. And to tell myself I'm fat will give me more strength to still be strict tomorrow.

Then I start to dream. My mother and sister Orla are feeding me snack-a-jacks. Orla gave me chocolate chips ones and my mother gave me cheese ones. I ate 2 whole packets. In my dream I then put on a sleeveless top (it was warm), and my arms were huge and I had put on 20 kilo's.

I wake up, and need a moment or two to realize that it was just nightmare.. I didn't really eat the 2 packets and thank god, I didn't put on any weight..

To me, it was a mystery as to why I always, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, think about food. What is wrong with me? This is stupid. I do be watching my daily soap on tv and someone is eating a burger.. I would be wanting to ask that person "What are you eating?", "Is it nice?"..
I said it to Diann "Why do I always think about food?". The reason for this is that the body has a built-in "system" to protect us from starvation. Once the brain is aware that the body isn't getting enough food, it starts to play "tricks" on us (to me, it's like the body is not being fair to me but other people need this system to work and they need to realize that the body is being starved). The brain knows that without food, it cannot function. So it is giving signs that will make you eat. And amongst these signs, are the constant urges to think, obsess and dream about food all day long, 24 hours a day. The brain is using the built-in "system", it has been put into action. That's why food is always on the brain. The body needs it, and that's how it tells us to eat.

Sometimes I wish my body didn't work like that. That would mean, I wouldn't need to eat and I could live a normal life. Would that not be the best? Maybe if I push it a little bit more, my body might get used to it? Or will I just be giving in by doing so?That's a question I know the answer to, but don't want to admit..

When will I start to see it? I wish I knew, but for the moment, tonight looks just as exciting as last night.. the hours on the couch fantasizing about food are already waiting..