The Positive versus the Negative

It's so hard. I don't know whether to be positive or negative.
I don't know whether to make the most out of each day?
It's like every morning it's a choice I have to make.
Will I turn all these shitty feelings around today, or will I just give in to feeling like the piece of shit I am?

I know full well, how to turn a negative into a positive. And the frustrating thing is that I also know, that I CAN turn a negative into a positive. But do I really WANT to do this?

My positive and negative feelings will only be made stronger or weaker by what I eat.
If I want to be positive, I know that I cannot eat too much and I'll need to deprive myself of food. How can I be positive and eat at the same time? Because feeding myself doesn't make me feel happy. I feel like a failure whenever I eat. After eating I have the negative feelings. So how on earth can I combine the two? It's virtually impossible. I feel weak if I give in to eating something extra. But it's what I need to do, to get better. Eating extra means listening to Fay, and she's the best. She is guiding me. But if she's so good then why will she make me feel like a failure? I want to be upbeat and positive today. I want it so badly. And I could be. Only if I don't eat from now until dinner. Then I feel strong and good, even though I have listened to Anna, which I know I shouldn't be doing..

How do I get my head around this? I really have not got a clue.
Will I try and listen to Fay today? Or will I give in to Anna?


On Thursday I listened to Anna.. I started off listening to Fay. I ate my yogurt and then I had a muesli bar. I also had to have an orange and then dinner. I was planning on having the orange, but I wanted it after dinner. I had some bread with a bit of fish for dinner and my stomach hurt so so bad, all night, that I just didn't have the orange. I couldn't put myself through it.. I know I was giving in to Anna which is not good at all, but it felt good at the same time.

Yesterday I listened to Fay. Yogurt, apple, dried fruit and toast. I ate the extra bits of food I was told to eat, by Diann.

Maybe if I just keep on rotating.. one day Fay and the other Anna? Or just for now? It's so hard. And I am already worrying about what is going to happen on Monday, when I go to Diann again. She will tell me eat another extra. I don't think I can hack it. So far, this week has been a struggle everyday, trying to eat my extras...

What am I going to do? I'm panicking about the road ahead and struggling trying to make sense out of it all and cannot see a way out.. It scares the hell out of me..