How my eyes have been opened..

My second session with my therapist Diann.

Again, nerves started to arise while we were driving down in the car. What was waiting for me this week? Would it be difficult or will I just have to talk about how my past week has gone?

I sat there, started telling her about my past week, about the bad days mainly.. She wanted to know how I was feeling when I ate, what I ate.. The whole banana fiasco was talked about. And as I was sitting there.. I'm listening to what she was saying, agreeing.. paying attention. But at the same time.. I was off in my own world. I just sat there.. I just couldn't seem to see what the problem was. Then she asked me: "Does it still feel like this is happening to someone else?" (last week that was how I felt). That's when she hit the nail on the head.. That's exactly how to describe how I felt at that moment in time. I was just sitting, in my own world, like a zombie, wondering what all the fuss is about. There's nothing wrong with me. Everybody is exaggerating this.. There isn't a problem and this isn't me..

That's probably when I really started to open up. The main thing in this session was that Diann was trying to make me realize that this really is happening to me, and that I am ill and that it is real. She tried to make me see the effects this is having on my health and on my life. To be honest, it was scary..

I cannot seem to see to seriousness of this disease. And not until I do, will I be able to start getting better.
My health and body are in serious danger. My weight is now.. 32kilos.. She was telling me the medical risks.. I'm in danger of having osteoporosis (brittle bones that ladies can develop once they have passed the menopause.. because I don't have my periods, I'm also in danger of developing this, once the damage is done, you cannot recover), Kidney failure, my brain could have shrunk because it's not receiving enough calories to function properly which makes me moody, irritable, indecisive, forgetful, feeling like I'm high on a regular basis, not being able to focus.. My muscle tissue is getting less and less, because my body has no calories to "eat" off, so my body eats off my muscles.. My heart is under extreme strain (I still need to have the heart scan done, to see if it all ok). At night I cannot lie on my back too long, because my bones are sticking out and it hurts like hell. These are just a few physical problems.. As well as not being able to digest foods (it takes me an hour to eat a yogurt with some nuts in the morning and my stomach hurts for at least an hour afterwards..).
You can imagine how hard it was for me to sit there and listen to her telling me all this.. that this illness has gone so far and I have gotten so ill.. I couldn't really believe that she was talking about me.

All I could say was that It really doesn't scare me when I stand on the weighing scales and it tells me I've lost another 0.5 kilo. It just seems fine..

She then wanted me to see how my mental health.. my "life" (if that's what you could call it at the moment) has been effected.. Because all I kept saying and thinking was.. What's the big deal? What's the fuss? I'm not sick, and I feel fine. Then she opened up my eyes, yet again.. She asked me questions, such as: "If you're fine, why aren't you working?".. "If you're fine, why did you leave your life in Holland behind, when you don't want to be in Ireland?".. "If you're fine, why are you back at home living with your mammy?".. "If you're fine, why can't you run up the stairs, like you used to do?".. "If you're fine, why do you think about food 24 hours a day?".. "If you're fine, why are we sitting here and shouldn't I have told you last week that there was nothing wrong with you?".. "If you're fine, why did you doctor refer you to the hospital in Dublin?".. Well, what could I say to these questions.. I could only conclude that I'm not fine and that this illness is what I'm dealing with, it is me, and I am ill..

I had to tell Diann, what this illness has stolen from me.. What has this b***h Anna (if you have read my previous post, this is what my illness is now called) taken from me.. She has taken my independence.. I'm a 25 year old woman living back with my mother, and feeling like a little 5 year old child again.. She has taken my dreams.. my dream to go traveling in November, she stole it from me. How dare she? Who does she think she is? She has taken my spirit and she has isolated me from the world. She has taken my confidence..

I had to tell Diann, how my life would be if Anna was gone.. if she wasn't there anymore.. I would be my bubbly self, I would be confident, I would be traveling, I would be working and earning my own money, I would be wearing different bright and outrageous clothes, from the adult department and I would be able to have a beer and pizza without feeling guilty. I would get great pleasure out of the tiniest little things in life that other people see as normal.. I would experience life again.. Because at the moment, after last night, I can conclude, I am not living.. I'm only existing..

I had to tell Diann, on a scale of 1 to 10, how able I am to get better and on a scale of 1 to 10 of how much I want to get better. So my ability and my desire to get better. This was hard. I wanted to say 10 points for both. But I couldn't, I had to be honest. Usually..(the Niamh that is tucked away, somewhere hidden underneath an obsession for food) I would have said: ability, 10!! I have always said that I can do anything I put my mind to, anything I do, I do 100%! But I said 6 points. Then my desire.. so, how much do I want to get better? Usually I would have said 10 points! If getting my health back, means getting my life back, then there is no question. But I couldn't. I gave it a 6 as well. Diann said that I was being a little unrealistic. She gave me 5 points for both. Which is probably right.
With this conclusion, we tried to discuss what we help to me, to raise the points? What will motivate me to want to get better? Of course.. Traveling.. How will I motivate myself? I suggested visualizing. This means, training yourself to create your own dreams, your own future. So if you can vividly experience in your mind, what you want out of life, you can make it happen. It's a long process. But traveling would be the one thing at the moment that will push me to get better.. Experience everything I have ever wanted to.. Living life to the full.. making my dreams a reality.. But it seems like a lifetime away, it seems out of reach at the moment.. The road seems so so long...

What I took from this session, I cannot describe..
I hope that I will slowly start to realize the seriousness of my present state of health. If I don't, getting better is out of the question.. Once I realize this, I can fight it and that will only be the start of my recovery because once I start to get better I now know that I will first get a lot lot worse.
When I do start to eventually put on weight, I will be feeling awful.. That will be the hardest part of it all. People will see me and think.. "God, Niamh is looking great, she must be a lot better".. But on the inside I will be feeling worse than I do at this moment in time.
It hit home last night, just how hard this is going to be. Sometimes I think I do know that it will be hard, but I really don't have a clue. And hearing so much of what Diann was saying last night, scared me to death. If I manage to beat the worst of this in 6 months, I will be doing extremely well.. And that scares me..


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P.S.
Next Monday I have my next appointment. I have to eat something extra now everyday, as well as what I have been eating last week. So not only an extra piece of fruit, but also a muesli bar. I have to exercise less (the past weeks I have been walking around 1.5 hours a day and doing yoga 4 times a week), I have to just let my body "be"

I have also noticed that peoples' reactions are: "When are you going into hospital?bla bla bla..", which makes me feel like, if I'm not in hospital that I'm really not that ill.. But, to me, that just proves that nobody really knows the extent of this illness.. I don't want people to think that I'm making a big deal about nothing. If they do, I feel like I have to force myself to get sicker sicker and eat less and less, just to prove a point. But that is the worst thing in the world. To go into hospital would mean being "re-fed".. so you are treated like a baby who needs to learn how to eat, on a drip, pumping food into you, just to keep you alive. And when it comes to that stage, you have given into the illness.. you cannot survive by yourself.. at the moment I can survive by myself, with my ma's and Diann's help.. So I ask you, please do not think that I'm okay just because I am not hocked up to a drip, in a psychiatric hospital.. It's not fair. So please stop asking me when I'm going into hospital and don't expect me to put on weight within 2 weeks of being back in Ireland, because for a body to put on weight, in any case (and now I'm not talking about anorexics, but in general), doesn't happen overnight.. so with me it won't happen overnight either..

I know it's hard for people to understand and I also know I shouldn't care what people think.. but I just want the people close to me to understand that me not going into hospital, doesn't mean that I'm fine.. Because I am far from it. I beg of you to see this, I worry about this, I don't why, and I really don't want to have to have this worry along with fighting this illness. I know you will all see what I mean and I Thank you so much for your understanding ... love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx