It pisses me off.. big time..

If you don't wanna read about someone giving out about just about everything, then there's no point in reading this post. If you're having a good day, please don't feel you have to, it's just full of sh*t..

Yesterday started so well, but ended so bad and I don't know why..

Fay was strong for the first part of the day. I was listening to her, she was great. I saw everything so positive. I ate everything I needed to..
My daily food menu: Yogurt, a piece of fruit, a muesli bar or a portion of dried fruit, and at dinner a small portion of rice or noodles with either fish/chicken/meat/veg. This is Diann's menu for the following week, it's essential that I have a daily intake of carbohydrates, to keep up my energy levels, amongst other things.

I didn't even mind eating yesterday.. Until dinnertime, then it all kinda turned around in a flash.. a turn of 180 degrees.. to come back and smack me in the face.. and there it was, the weight of the world on my shoulders.Where had it come from, I don't have a clue. I did eat my rice with some smoked salmon, but I felt awful. I couldn't shake the feeling. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. For the rest of the night it stuck and I was miserable. At this moment in time, it still hasn't gone. But I have already eaten today, which I know is good, but I'm not bothered really.. Couldn't give a sh*t to put it bluntly. I don't want to be positive today even though I know I should be. I just don't feel like it. And if anyone asks me how I'm feeling, I'll burst into tears if I think about how I'm really feeling.

Another thing.. Diann has told me to get rid of the weighing scales.. which is another massive step. I don't want to get rid of it. She asked me if I would do it..Well, yeah, I don't think you're giving me much choice in the matter.. Fuck..
So yesterday was the last time I weighed myself, still the same by the way. And now it's gone. Diann will weigh me once a week from now on. Which totally freaks me out, because she'll be weighing me in the evening, after a full day of drinking and eating, fully clothed, and that will make me 1,5 kilo's heavier.. Which scares the hell out of me. She said that she doesn't have to tell me my weight, which might make it easier.. I didn't quite know what to say to that.. I'm still thinking about it. But already dreading next Monday, when I have to stand on it. I'm not happy about that at all.
And the worst thing about this whole "relationship" with that f*cking scales, is that, when I stand on it, and I haven't put on weight, I can sit down and enjoy my food and I will let myself eat. It's once I'll be putting on weight, that I won't enjoy the food and that I won't want to eat. That's what's gonna happen and it's making me panic just thinking about it. What the hell am I gonna do?

It pisses me off that my days are so unpredictable.. the way I'm up and down.. It's f*cking tiring. And when I'm down, I cannot imagine ever being up and being wanting to chat about nothing and just be in good company. And when I'm up, I cannot imagine why I was feeling like the world was on my shoulders and why I wasn't bothered to talk or be social in any way. They are 2 extremes.. so far apart from each other in my head, but so near when looking at it on a timescale.. The weirdest thing.

Another thing.. Diann has told me to leave off the walking. I have to cut back on that AS WELL! That is totally pissing me off today.She said it last week too, so I cut down.. was walking probably around 1 to 1,5 hours a day, instead of 2 or 3 like the weeks before. But I did go for a walk yesterday, even though I knew I wasn't doing as I was supposed to do, I was listening to Anna, but it was nice weather, and I had eaten well and I was feeling good (well, for the first part of the day anyhow). She doesn't want me walking anywhere. The food I'm putting into my body needs to be used to rebuild my strength, muscle tissue, regain energy, restore fats.. bla bla bla.. and if I walk, then the energy from the foods is being burnt and my weight will keep on dropping. But I don't wanna sit in the house all day long.. I reckon if I cut it back gradually it should be okay.. Maybe just an hour today? Just a short one, to get me some fresh air.
And the main thing about the walking, is that if I don't do it, before I have to eat dinner, I'm not hungry. My stomach is still full from all that food. So I feel the need to walk, to get my metabolism going. If I don't do this, I cannot eat dinner.. It's like a vicious circle.

And Another thing.. I'm so sick of having a sore and swollen stomach. It's really pissing me off. Last night, my food didn't digest until 4 hours after I'd eaten it! That is just f*cking ridiculous.. And the burning sensation is not the enjoyable either..Because I can feel my stomach trying to stretch to absorb the food, which takes ages, and then it still needs to be digested. That burning sensation is not nice at all, I feel that I'm straining my body and that it's really not necessary. I don't need this food and I especially don't need it, if I'm not enjoying it.. why should I? Making myself feel even more shit than I already do.. I really don't see the point..

And Another thing.. I'm sick of being treated like a child. Being told what to do.. Being watched like a hawk.. I know I've only myself to blame for all this, but it still pisses me off, and if I start giving out to the people around me, my poor mother for instance, then it will only make things worse for all of us.

So, I'm sorry to burden you all with my sh*t, but I warned you at the start of this message..