The thoughts just 1 email can trigger

I just received an email from an old school mate. Great girl she is. She was saying that she is off to work on a cruise for 6 months. She also told me the route she is taking, all over the world, is where she'll be heading..

5 minutes later, my little sister Eileen, asked me if I wanted to walk down the town with her. My answer: "I'm not allowed"(fighting back the tears as I spoke the words)..
What went through me, while hearing myself saying that, I cannot describe. Especially after just reading about my mate going off on that cruise, which has long been on my list of things I want to do in life..
I'm physically NOT ABLE to walk down the town (which is usually around 25 minutes, but at my current speed..maybe 40 minutes), and for me to want to treat my body kindly, I'm NOT ALLOWED.

What I wouldn't give to be in my mates shoes right now. She is leaving next week.. to cruise around this beautiful planet of ours, and here's me after putting myself under so much strain, pain, pressure and sh*t, that I cannot even go for a walk..

What a difference.. This isn't living.. What I'm doing now, is just f*cking breathing and eating and trying to fill my days with nothingness..
I walked to my mothers' work, which would usually take me 15 minutes, shorter maybe.. Today it took me 25 minutes. I was tempted to turn back when I was on my way, knowing that I'd have to walk back again. But I made it, there and back. Diann won't be pleased, but at least I did something..

How can a person feel so bad, and not know if it is because of Anna and because my body feels like it's deteriorating or if it's all in my head. Is this sh*tty feeling mental or physical? I really cannot answer it. And it's pretty frustrating.. If I knew what caused it, I could do something about it.. maybe.. If I were to feel up for it, if I had the energy, If I was willing to.

It's so easy to give into the mood the hangs above your head. I know so well that you can change the mood you're in.. That can be hard, of course it's easier to just let that present mood be there and make you feel even worse. But you can turn it around. But I don't want to.. What if that's the case.. What if I'm just not bothered at the moment in turning this mood around? Am I a failure for giving in? Or am I punishing myself by not turning around my sh*tty mood? Or am I punishing myself if I do force myself to turn my sh*tty mood around? Because that means I have to push myself.. and be productive and do things... and then we're back to square one.. because that is Anna talking, and Anna won't let me be lazy and do nothing, because if I were to do nothing I'd not be burning calories and I would be resting my body and trying to recover and that's Fay... So this is such a vicious circle..

Where and when and how can I break this circle? Will it go round and round forever?
And just to think.. My thinking and analyzing like this has been brought on by one email, from a great girl, living and doing exactly what she wants. She's in her prime.. what I wouldn't give to be in the middle of life, just like her.. Just like all my family and friends.. You guys are all so great.. The best ever.. I love you all so much..