Sad and envious are the words today..

Yesterday, Wednesday the 16th.. a good day, feeling lighter after putting all that happened on Monday night into place, as much as possible.
Today, Thursday the 17th.. feeling sad and envious..

Feeling sad for doing this to myself. Feeling sad when I look in the mirror and ask myself how I look and hearing myself say "I look good, skinny, but fine, and I hope people are jealous when they look at me not having the tiniest bit of fat on my body". Feeling sad for only being in a good mood when I eat as little as possible and walk as far as possible. Feeling sad when I get up in the morning and spray on some perfume, there isn't a reason for it. Feeling sad that the highlight of my day is reading my book. Feeling sad that my life had to take this turn. Feeling sad that I feel the need to punish myself all the time. Feeling sad that I don't feel like I deserve anything. Feeling sad that my physical health is suffering due to my negative willpower. Feeling sad that I have to admit that I'm anorexic.

Feeling envious whenever I look at television and people are enjoying food. Feeling envious of people who get up to go to work every morning. Feeling envious whenever I look at my beautiful little sister who glows and is in the prime of her life. Feeling envious that people can sit down and have 2 slices of toast and finish it within 5 minutes and then get on with their lives. Feeling envious of people who feel they deserve to have a proper dinner. Feeling envious of the people who have overcome this illness.

Whenever I wake in the morning, the question goes through my head.. "Will today be a struggle?", "Am I weaker than yesterday?", "Or have I just slept too long which is making me lazy?". I count the hours I have slept. If I have slept more than 8 hours, I don't like to eat straight away. I like to wait a few hours longer, or I will just eat less if I'm feeling weak. This is because I have been good to myself by sleeping so long, that I now don't need to be good to myself by eating. But I know how wrong this is.

I am then, without being aware of it, am listening to Anna. She is depriving me of food. It feels good whenever I listen to her. I feel strong. She will help push me those extra hours without food or she will tell me to have half the amount of yogurt I had yesterday. I know Fay would tell me to have the same amount of yogurt as yesterday, preferably more if I can manage it. But I listened to Anna. If I listen to Fay, I feel awful. I like the feeling that I can throw away half of my breakfast without anyone realizing and then being physically able to go for at least an hours' walk. This to me is a sense of achievement. I'm strong. I'm fit. I look good. I have energy after eating a spoonfuls of yogurt with exactly 5 nuts and some seeds. Anna is there making me ask myself why I should need this food and why should I need to eat a full bowl of yogurt with as many nuts as I would love (this is my most favorite food in the world.. nuts of any kind.. so if I can resist them, I am strong). I answer her, and I find myself agreeing with her. I can live on air. Why should a person need 3 meals a day? What's the point?

I have these things that I tell myself day in day out, or Anna is whispering them in my ear: "The weight you don't put on, you don't have to loose", "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", "You are what you eat".. These help me stay strong and they help me to resist the temptations of eating anything and enjoying anything the way other people do. I don't deserve to enjoy a full meal. I have nothing whatsoever that indicates me deserving an Indian curry (I am drooling at the thoughts of how delicious this food is).

Life is balanced out, they say. You have people who are poor and rich. You have people who are black and white. You have people who are good and bad. And then you have people who deserve food and people who don't deserve food. It's the luck of the draw, how unfair it may seem, but I am the one doesn't deserve food. Everyone close to me, far from me, everyone else in the whole world I love to see them eating, because they deserve it and I want them to savor every bite so so much. If I had my way, I would feed the entire world and I would sit and watch, drooling, mouthwatering and starving at the same time. How great am I to be able to resist this? I know I could, easily. Not a problem. It would make me feel the strongest woman on the planet and I would love it.

All this, is Anna. I am well aware of that. But I can't help it. It's how I feel, it's wrong. It makes me so sad because of the fact that I know how bad it is for me give into starvation. I have too much negative willpower. Too much discipline. It is so dangerous and bad for me to have willpower. The negative willpower listens to Anna and this part of me to be disciplined to. The positive willpower listens to Fay and this like obeying you mother, when you are small, by going to bed on time (you really don't want to, but you know you have to). She will tell me to eat as much Indian curry and nuts as I want. But I don't know if I can listen to her. It's hard and it takes up my energy, energy I don't have at the moment because Anna has been getting her way.

It's a constant battle between Anna and Fay. I'm sometimes not sure who I have been listening to and who is making me feel better on the inside. Anna tells me to walk, so I do and I feel good. Fay tells me to eat a proper bowl of yogurt, so I do but I feel fat, full and disgusting straight afterwards until the energy the food gives me in released into my body and then I feel good.

I'm not sure who makes me feel better. I'm not sure who to listen to. I don't want to be in bad mood all the time, because I have been listening to Fay, because she fills me up and makes me feel disgusting. I will be a nightmare to live with if I constantly listen to Fay. Maybe I can use that as an excuse.. Just listen to Anna, to give my mother some peace?
Again, the wrong conclusion Niamh..

My doctor Siobhan said to me.. You can take the right road or the wrong road. The right road is the hard road.. The right road is listening to Fay and not letting Anna win this fight. I know it all too well. But I cannot seem to want to or care to or realize why I have to.