This Blog runs deep..

Just after finishing my 3rd session with my therapist Diann.

You would think, that after the first few visits to a therapist, it would get easier for a patient to go into a room and just spill their thoughts, feelings, doubts and troubles within the space of an hour. Well, I can tell you now, this is not the case.
My third time, and still it seems weird and I really didn't want to go. I sat in the car, dreading the thoughts of having to focus so much and think so hard about my feelings for a full hour.. I just wanted it to be over.

I came in, and straight away: How was your week? Good or bad? Okay, give me chance I was thinking to myself.. And it is not the norm to say: "fine, good, no problems". Because that's not what you're there for. How did I really feel and how was the past week really?

The answer, in one word: Emotional. But why? How? What set off these feelings? Why did I burst into tears on a regular basis over the smallest little things? I knew what it was. I had given it some thought of course, before going to the session, because I knew she would ask. There are so many issues at the moment, that I am trying to give a certain place. I can only deal with certain things, when I have accepted and dealt with other issues. The first one, was the fact the I am in Ireland and have left my life in Holland behind. I found myself being so angry with the world, because of that. Why did I have to take such drastic steps? I found it unfair that I had to do this. But then I realized throughout the course of the week, that if I focus on everything I miss in Holland, like my friends, socializing, working, my sisters, and just having fun then I won't be able to focus on the real reason I am here in Ireland. And that reason is to get better. So to focus on getting better, I need to accept the fact that I am now in Ireland, if it makes me happy or not. I have to accept that I'm not in party-mood for months to come. I have to accept that there isn't another place on this earth I could be at the moment to overcome Anna.

That was what was keeping my mind active the past week. I have just accepted to let it go and focus on dealing with this illness.

At the same time, there is the realization of just how ill I am. After last weeks session, while I was writing my blog, I came to realize so much and it probably took the whole week for this to slowly sink in. Even though I still have days (or even hours of certain days) that I think there is nothing wrong and that everyone is just making a fuss about nothing. Accepting and realizing what my body is going through is taking a while and it doesn't happen overnight. This illness has been developing for at least a year, and for me it has become a normal way of life. To realize that I all of a sudden have to let this go, as it's the illness that has been making me live like this and it isn't normal, will not happen overnight.

Something that takes hold of you slowly but surely and then holds on so tight, and becomes your "life", will not just let you go if someone tells you: "Niamh, you are ill and need to eat, or else you will damage yourself for life or even die"..
At the moment, I am still trying to accept and realize what really is going on with my body. I wish I could click my fingers, and think "yes, I'm ill, now give me 3 meals a day, I won't exercise and I will put on lots of weight, and I will be fine again". This is not going to happen, unfortunately.
But the past week, I have slowly begun to realize that I am seriously ill.

According to my mam, I have become quiet, slow, withdrawn, no concentration and soft spoken. This is true, I know, but it's hard for me to see this.. I think it's because I have just told myself: I am just going to "be".. and that comes down to just existing and not letting myself feel all that much. Happiness? No. Anger? now and then. Sadness? regularly. Laughter? I wish.
The past week has just passed by in a daze..

Diann was listening as I did my best to tell her all of this. I told her that I feel so drained, lifeless and don't have the energy to do anything. It has gotten worse in the past week. But I also keep on analyzing about what I have been eating, and it probably is the same amount as I was eating 3 or 4 months ago. Back then I could live, I could run, I do things without feeling tired all the time, I could walk everywhere, I could dance my heart out and drink alcohol. So why can't I anymore? I should be able to!!! But, according to Diann, I have put so much strain on my body, that it is now telling me to slow down. I now need time to recover. I have no reserves (which I did have 3 or 4 months ago). My body is trying to tell me to stop. I need to rebuild my tissue, regain proper fats, rebuild my muscle tone and for this to happen I have to stop.
Feeling like the way I have been feeling the past week, I have been worried. I feel that I'm just so lifeless and slow, because I haven't been doing anything. I tell myself that I have probably been sleeping too long, I'm probably becoming lazy and I'm worried that I have given into this disease. I cannot rest, I cannot sit and do nothing, I cannot be bored, I cannot have a lazy day. I don't deserve this and I cannot give in, I should just keep on going. But Diann told me, this is Anna speaking. Fay wouldn't tell me to keep on going, when I'm feeling battered and tired and weak. Your body needs to stop. Your body need to recuperate. This takes time. I just need to see that my body needs this..

Dealing with Anna, is all about punishment. I, for some reason, feel the need to constantly punish myself. If I sleep more than 9 hours, I have to get up and do things all day long, or else I'll be lazy, I'll be non-productive, I won't burn any calories and I will feel like a piece of shit (to put it bluntly). Why do I punish myself? That is the question I really don't know the answer to.

Diann relates this to my beliefs. A person lives their life according to their beliefs. As far as she can see, my beliefs are that I am only a good person if I am achieving something. Your beliefs have been there for so long, that some people mightn't even know what their beliefs are.. I didn't realize what mine were, until Diann pointed it out to me today. And she was right. Where these beliefs come from or what triggered them, can be any number of reasons. So why do I feel like I'm only worthy if I'm achieving things in life? I really do not have a notion. But I can see how it relates to Anna.

Achieving things in life means you must push yourself and you constantly want more and more, are never totally satisfied and don't feel fulfilled if a certain aspect in life hasn't been achieved. To achieve this certain thing, you need discipline and willpower. For me to be in position I now find myself, has been due to discipline, willpower and determination. For example.. Not eating when deep down I know that I'm only human and like a normal person my body needs nutrition. Ignoring the hunger pains just to prove to myself that I can be fit, healthy and full of energy living on a 400 calorie diet.
There is most definitely a link between my "needing to achieve" and Anna..

Diann has set these thoughts in motion. I would never have seen it myself. A person can challenge their beliefs, to adjust them, because they are not always a good thing. I said to her that I never realized that living life according to this belief, could make me so ill and so unhappy.

She made me realize, that if I were to keep on living according to the belief of "I'm only a good person if I'm achieving", I would never ever be totally satisfied. I would travel, and plan where to go next, and travel and plan and travel and plan. But I would experience nothing. At one stage I could have been everywhere in the world, and I still wouldn't be fulfilled.. Because it will never be enough. If all I'm constantly trying to do is achieve.. there will always be an empty space on the inside. Because it is impossible for a human being to achieve everything.. An emptiness will always remain..

This totally opened my eyes..

With Anna, the furthest I can go, the most I can achieve, with all my determination, discipline and willpower is the end.. She will never be satisfied until I'm on hospital bed, being fed through a tube.. and then it still won't be enough..
The only end to Anna, is if I give in...

But I won't give in.. Never..

Another revelation.. Another thing to accept and to work out.. Challenging my beliefs is what I need to do next.. Step by step..