Update on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Where do I start..
It's been 2 days, without any updates, and it feels like forever.

I cannot begin to say what has been going on with me, since Wednesday..Because, to be honest, I haven't a clue myself..
I've had hours of feeling numb.. feeling nothing.. feeling empty. If anyone were to ask me: "How are you feeling?" I wouldn't have been able to answer.
It's a constant struggle, between feeling like sh*t, not wanting to eat, wanting to give into feeling like a heap of sh*t and wishing the days away. Asking myself everyday.. can I make it through another day?

Wednesday wasn't a good day.. bad times.. emotional, I wanted to eat my dinner so badly, but I couldn't, it wasn't Anna, it was my stomach. It wouldn't work with me.. It couldn't take the dinner, which were noodles and a bit a tuna. It was the first time that I wanted it so badly but wasn't able, that I cried my eyes out afterwards.. I don't know what came over me. I just felt so awful. The fact that I'm am now living the life of the people who you see documentaries on tv about. That is me. And 95% of the time I either don't realize or I don't care. And that's what so awful about the whole thing.

Not wanting to speak. Having so much thoughts going around in your head, even just the simplest comment about something on the news or the radio.. It's in my head, but I just cannot be bothered to say it. Not wanting to share any of these thoughts. Because it's an effort. It takes energy to speak.. and that's something I don't have.

After having a bad day, like Wednesday, the pressure is on, because I missed my extra's and I cannot afford, physically, to miss another day of my extra foods. So then the whole thing continues. Planning what I'm going to eat at what times and just hoping that I won't feel guilty and full and that my stomach will be able to digest it all. And at the same time, knowing that I'm being watched by my mam (I know, ma, you have to..), which puts on more pressure and that works against me, and makes me totally not want to eat.. Then I just want to be alone in a room with me and my food. I don't want the looks.. the observing.. it makes it more difficult. If I then overeat and I feel like a fat pig I know that they are happy.. because I'll be eating uncontrollably and feeling like shit the rest of the night and the following morning.
How can they be so happy, knowing that I'm so sad?
I need to understand why they think like this.

I'm not allowed to go walking, so on Thursday I didn't. But it was all for the wrong reasons.. I decided not to go, because I could hardly walk. Walking to the toilet was an effort, walking up the stairs was an effort. My legs were sore and tired and could have collapsed from under me at anytime. If I would have had the energy, I would have walked. So I wasn't listening to Fay, because she would have said, even if you have energy, you are not walking and you need to rebuild your strength by resting.. Anna would have said, if you have the energy, go walking and burn those calories! I did eat my extras on Thursday, which was good.

But Anna is still so strong.. Friday she was so strong again. Fay didn't even come into my head, she hasn't really been on my mind at all.. I just had my yogurt with some nuts, as I have every morning, and then some vegetables for dinner in a wrap. I didn't even have 1 extra. And you know what? I didn't even care that I didn't. I felt good, had energy, felt strong..

So, all in all, Anna has been overpowering. Today I don't want either of them in my head.. The past days I've been feeling numb, today I'm just pissed off with the whole world. And I don't want either of them in my head.. F*ck them both. It's tiring, It gives me a fuzzing head, It's wearing me out. I'm just sick of it..