Week 4 into my recovery

Session number 4, with my therapist Diann..

I was needing this session so badly.. was counting down the days, so glad that I would be able to let out all the sh*t that had been going on during the week.. I'll call it "The fourth week into my recovery".

The session still came a little too soon, and again, I was dreading it.. At the last minute I would have been delighted if something had happened so as I wouldn't have been able to attend this session.
It was more the thought of how intense it gets, how much effort it takes to sit there and analyze everything that happened throughout the week.. It's so tiring and difficult.

It was, again, an extremely hard session. The same question as always from Diann :"How did your week go".. Well I just started from the beginning.

Just to summarize a FRACTION of what has been going on. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.. Mentally.. I blocked myself out from the world. I shut myself off. I didn't want to know that there a world outside this my front door. I didn't want to think about anything. It was easier for me to think of everyday as being "Monday".. everyday I get up, get through the day, not speaking, just existing, then go to bed and do the same all over again the next day. And It's still Monday. So in a way the world just stopped turning.. except for the fact the sun would rise and set.. But to me, this wasn't meaning anything.

I switched off to Fay, switched off to Anna. Didn't even think about the two of them. I wasn't bothered, didn't see why I should be. By the time Thursday came around.. my body had deteriorated.. so much so that I was like an 70 year old, trying to walk around the house. More pains in my stomach, a weaker back, sore knees, sore ribs, even doing nothing would make me slightly breathless and the slightest noise would hurt my body. So physically and mentally I was totally drained by the end of the week.

Trying to deal with Anna mentally, was just about impossible. Because at the moment my body isn't able. I cannot deal with any major issues. For stress and pressure like this, you need a body that is physically able to cope with it all. At the moment, I am not in that place. Everybody knows what stress can do to your body.. and that's a healthy and fit body, not malnourished body as weak as sh*t..

I had a bad day on Friday, eating I mean. Didn't have my extras. I felt good and strong and didn't give a shit. After writing so much on Saturday, I felt lighter, and the "black mood" (as my mam called it) had lifted slightly.
But I went walking again, I couldn't help myself. I wouldn't let myself eat if I didn't go walking, so to be good to Fay I had to listen to Anna. But I didn't care. Sunday I went walking again.. I know I shouldn't have, but the same reason again.. To be good to Fay, I had to listen to Anna..

You can imagine, that I was bursting to get all this off my chest. Because throughout the week, I didn't have the energy, strength or even the ability to be able to talk to my mam about it, which usually I would do. But it just taking so much effort at the moment that it's just easier to block it all out, and keep it all together until I get to speak to Diann. And that's what I did this week. That's why this session was so intense. But I knew it would be.

What made it so hard? It's not only because of the fact that I totally didn't give a sh*t if I was or wasn't listening to Anna or Fay, but the fact that I just didn't care about anything. Mam was asking if I was depressed.. Diann was telling us that so many girls with anorexia do get depressed and end up on for instance Prozac (anti-depressants). Which just makes the problem and illness that little bit worse (and there was me thinking that it couldn't get much worse than it is right now), because then you need to deal with living with the pills and without them. But that is an option that I would never ever consider. I'm not going down that road.. so they can stick them up their *rses..
So Diann suggested straight away to put me on supplements, that I would also be getting if I were to be in hospital. This is a medicated nutritional drink, that will give me more energy to be able to deal with the mental turmoil of Anna.

This scared the sh*t out of me.. I know this sounds so stupid to you all, and I don't really give a damn. I have to take 2 a day for the first 3 days and then 3 a day everyday.. The first thing that came to mind was.. Oh no, these are going to fatten me up.. Diann just wants me to put on weight..(but this isn't the case). "Maybe I could have them instead of a meal.." that's what I heard me telling myself. But these are extra.. O f*ck!!!I'm going to feel so full and disgusting.. And it scares me so much. She advised me just not to think about what I'm doing.. I have to switch off to it, or else I won't be able to take them. My mam has to make them for me and sit with me while I drink them (like a child, but that's another issue), at set times everyday.. Diann reckons if I don't take them, that I'm going to get worse than I am at the moment. I will just have to blank it all out and trust Mam and Diann, which is a hard thing to do, because my trust in everybody has gone out the window, which is such a sad thing for me to have to admit..

Then, thinking about these supplements, I found myself thinking.. Why should I HAVE to take them? Why should I have to feel better. Can I not just see how much further I can push myself? How much more can my body physically take. Can I not just give it my best shot and make myself sicker? Why should I have to feel good and energetic? What have I got left if and when I feel energetic again? Won't my world be filled with emptiness? Doesn't that mean that Anna is gone? Or maybe my life will be happier? I couldn't help myself from thinking.. "I shouldn't deserve to feel fit and healthy".

All this triggered thoughts in my head.. I'm sitting there with Diann, asking myself, how far can I go? What can I do to make myself feel more pain? How far can I walk to make my legs hurt? How long can I keep myself from sitting down? How many hours a day can I keep myself busy to make myself feel more drained? When will Anna be satisfied. This is exactly what Diann asked me.. "Niamh, if you think of Anna, what do you see?" My answer: I see a skeleton being fed through a tube on a hospital bed. That's Anna, but on the outside it's my flesh and bones, my exterior but I'm looking at her and HOPING that Anna will then feel like she has accomplished what she set out to do.. make this person so ill that she cannot survive by herself any longer. But also KNOWING that this hospital bed is NOT where it ends for Anna. Where does it end for Anna? Not when this girl were to get out of hospital, because Anna would then have lost the battle and she never wants to loose, that's how powerful and strong she is. She will keep on putting this person back into the hospital bed, until the strength, willpower and energy has been sucked and drained from this soul that there is just no more fighting it.. and so suddenly it's too late...

This is the reality of how things could go, how things are and what the battle between Fay and Anna really is about. The subject of death came up so much during last nights session that it scared the living hell out of me. Scared because I know how strong I am when listening to Anna and scared that she will get her own way. Scared of what will become of me if I don't beat her and scared of what will become of me if I do beat her. Scared of the months to come and scared that I'm not able to ever get passed this. Scared that I'm never going to be the person I once was and scared that she has gone forever..

Diann told us that Anorexics have the highest death-rate of mental diseases..Either heart failure or suicide. Some girls choose to let themselves get so ill that they have to get taken into hospital. That way they don't have to think about the food issue, they get fed 3000 calories a day, and have no choice in the matter. They then focus and deal with the emotional turmoil, because they have more physical strength. But I'm not going to let myself get that bad. I would end up on psychiatric ward, not specialized and totally alone in the world. Which is so much worse than how I'm now having my treatment.

There was another thing that got me scared as well. I had my heart scan done 2 weeks ago. The doctor said it was "as to be expected".. slow heart rate is normal when a person is so much underweight. So we showed Diann the results and she was not happy. I should have been referred to the hospital for more check ups and should have been advised to stay in bed as much as possible. Apparently there is a risk of heart failure. This really really scared me so much. I couldn't believe it really. Yes, I admit that I can feel that my chest doesn't feel the way it usually would, but her reaction came as a shock. It does explain now, why I have become so slow in doing everything.. walking, talking, reacting. Everything is at a snails' pace and now I know why. Old people with weak hearts are also pretty slow.. Well, that's me guys.. Welcome to my world..

I don't know if I have lost weight again.. I haven't been allowed to weigh myself the past week and Diann won't weigh me either.She said it needs to unexpected.. So that's kind of worrying at the moment. I don't want to loose any weight, but I just don't want to put ON any weight. As long as I stay the same.. then I'm ok.

So, all in all, you can imagine how hard this session was. The most important thing was, that I take the supplements and I have to REALIZE that Anna will never be satisfied. Last week that thought just totally went out the window. I have to get it back this week. Apparently the supplement should give me more energy to stay on top of Anna, mentally. Because I need to keep on eating, even though I have been eating..But at this stage it is crucial that my body doesn't deteriorate anymore than it has done the past weeks.. If I want to stay out of hospital I need to take the supplements, have to have bed-rest, eat my daily menu. So walking is totally out of the question. At the moment these things are vital. I just hope to god I can. Diann said to turn the drive I have to listen to Anna, around and use it to take the supplements. The next few days will tell.



PS I want to thank everyone for emailing and texting.. But there is one little thing that I need to get off my mind. Whenever you read a positive blog.. please never ever say "glad you are doing well", "it sounds like you are beating Anna". Please, I beg of you, never ever say this. My blogs are a reflection of what I'm feeling or felt either at that moment or a few days ago. My mood changes within hours.. sometimes even 30minutes. When I get texts like these, they come as a punch in the stomach and just knock me down and make me feel worse.. I know it's so hard for everyone to understand what is going on and how this weird head of mine is working, but please never ever send me messages like that.. I know you all mean so well.. and you want to support me, but not by telling me how well it sounds like i'm doing. Because that is so far from the truth and I still have such a long way to go, that even I can't see the road ahead and how long it is.. Thank you and love you all..