Why are they staring?
What's the big deal?
What's their problem?
I'm normal, now look the other way please!
That can be so frustrating. Being in a pub for instance, you get up to go to the loo, and the looks.. Constantly. Sometimes they even stare.. Why? What is it that causes these people to stare? Is it maybe the fact that my hair is different than all the other girls? That's what I reckon. Or, that's what I tell myself. I don't see what other people see. I don't have a complex about how I look. I'm not skinny, I'm normal..
If I were to be honest with myself, I know why they are looking and why they are staring. But admitting it, wouldn't that give me a complex and make me selfconsious? Who needs to have a complex about how they look, when they've already got enough sh*t to deal with? I don't. Which probably sounds like I'm contradicting myself. I hear you think "Niamh must already have a complex to develop this illness, why else would a person want to be skinny and be scared of putting on weight?".
It's crazy isn't it. But I don't have a complex, as long as I don't admit to why people stare..
I asked my mother last night.. "Why do people stare?".. She told me exactly why.. "Because they are wondering when you are going to collapse?"(always the honest one, my mother). Of course I knew it myself, but I don't want to admit it and I don't want to see it. Because this would mean.. eat more and put on weight, which is something I really don't want to do..
So, let them stare. If that's what I have to deal with, I don't care. As long as the kilo's don't come on, I don't care what people think when they see me, because I'm normal and I'm feeling fine. At the moment I would rather people think of me a skeleton and a freak. I was never really a person to care what other people think anyway. Or was that the me, in a different time of life? Maybe it was me, and now I do suddenly care what people think? Maybe it would be good for me to care about what people think, that might force me to get better? But that is the total wrong approach to getting better..
I have to solve the problem, find the root of the problem myself and leave the outside world to what it is.. just the world on the outside. I have to work on myself, my inside world. It's what I think and I feel that matters and at the end of the day I'm the only one who will be able to get better from the inside out, and once I'm feeling better on the inside, this will show on the outside..
(As I'm typing this, I'm trying not to panic about what this means.. kilo's and kilo's.. keep breathing Niamh..don't panic, one step at a time..)
And still the people will stare, but I will pretend not to care,
Focus on me, and find my inner glee...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
In a word no, you are not alone. You might feel alone inside and that people dont understand but you are not alone in dealing with anorexia, you're not alone in being stared at and wondering why and you are certainly not alone in feeling alone. It takes a powerful inner strength to get up each day and hold your head up high, saying "f**k them if they stare" because the truth is, people will stare at anyone or anything different in any way shape or form, just as a child stares at something new. The key is not to concern yourself with why they stare because without THEIR answer, you come up with your own and its nearly always influenced by our own personal hangups. Maybe its concern or maybe they just like your handbag or wish they had courage to change their clothes or hairstyle. Either way, it doesn't matter what people think or say about us, its how we interpret it thats important. You have the strength and sense to realise this and have to use the same power to help yourself in other ways. People place all sorts of crazy levels of importance on things that really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. They waste energy stressing about things and point fingers at anyone that doesnt follow suite because anything outside their "normality" threatens their very being, throwing doubt over the way they conduct themselves and what they think is important. People point and laugh at me every day based on how i look and when my shield is down, it can hurt. The thing to remember is that their opinion isn't worth a f**k and is probably only fueled by thier own hangups and insecurities. At the end of the day, I'd rather see smiles on peoples faces than tears even if it is at my expense and maybe someday they'll learn to be more considerate and less hurtful, but I'm not going to waste a second of my time worrying about the opinions of someone who means nothing to me! WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY!! The only truely important things in this world, the things worth worrying about, are looking after ourselves and loved ones in everyway possible and trying to keep each other smiling as we go. Everything else after that is more or less a game we as people and a society have created for ourselves. Play the game but dont let it play you.
You're not alone in this boat Niamh and when the fog lifts you'll see you're not the only boat lost at sea either. You've just got to pick up a paddle and together we'll row the boat ashore or drain the god damn seas and before you know it, you'll be back on dry land, pickin up where you left off. "he" might be good company, but he's a s**t navagator and he's not doing any paddling....
love gav XX
Post a Comment