I don't want either direction

A feeling of discomfort.

I never ever imagined that trying to eat normal amounts of food again, would cause me so much discomfort and I never realized that it will take so long. Always feeling so full and that all I'm doing is eating. When really, I'm not eating a lot at all..

I thought my body would have gotten used to it a lot quicker. But that really is not the case. I cannot seem to eat anymore at the moment, even if I wanted to.. I'm struggling to eat everything I should be eating and I'm just sick of trying. I'm stuffing my face all day long. The acupuncturist wants me to have a half a slice of toast as well, but I just cannot stomach it.

I look in the mirror and my belly is swollen, I look like I'm 4 months pregnant and I feel disgusting all the time. It's not getting easier, it just seems to be getting worse. This feeling of disgust, was only occasional the past weeks, but now it's constant. I feel like I'm abusing my body by constantly putting all this food into it, I must be doing some damage.. Why else would I feel so bad? I don't feel energized by it, the joints in my knees have started hurting (which I haven't felt before, even though I haven't been walking and my legs feel rested) and my back aches.. I don't feel like I'm benefiting from all this food. It feels so wrong.
I thought maybe I'd feel discomfort in my stomach for just a few weeks, but I hate to say that I think this is only the beginning..

I don't want to feel this awful feeling anymore, everyday I think.."Can I not just skip my a meal or two..nobody will know".. I'm strong enough to switch these thoughts off, so I do keep on eating. But the thoughts are ALWAYS there.. and it would be so easy to act on them. It would be less tiring, it would be peaceful in my head.. What a joy that would be to have peace..
When will the day come, that I will want to eat all this food? When will the day come that I won't feel like a pig that's constantly stuffing it's face? When will the day come that I won't WANT to skip any meals?
At the moment I could so easily slip back into the mode of not eating.. It's crucial that I don't, and I won't, I need to keep strong.

It makes me see that it's still only early days.. I still have so far to go. How long will it take before I won't be feeling that urge of skipping food?? This battle is so far from over, it has shocked me, once again..

I don't want to feel like I'm a fat pig, but I do. I can see my face exploding and colour back in my cheeks, but I don't want this. I don't want to go to the doctor because she will tell me that I'm doing well. I don't want to see anyone friends or family that I haven't seen for the past weeks, because they will tell me I'm looking well.. and that I cannot bear to hear. It would be the biggest insult anyone could give me.

I was looking at photo's of me from 3 weeks ago, and I was skinnier, and I want that back, I want to be that person again. But I can't. I know it's Anna, and she looked bad, but that was good. It scares me so much to know that I will never be that way again. Not if I'm strong enough. What if the strength to want to be like that again is so strong that I will get back to being like that and she'll have me in her claws again? Both directions scare the life out me.. following Fay or following Anna, I don't want either of the them..
I want them both to leave me alone and just let me be...