Is there a pattern?

Is there a pattern? That's what I've found myself asking myself all morning..
Why? Because after every good day, there follows a day of doom and gloom.

I probably know full well why this is.
It's because I have been positive and realized that I need to get better and realized that Anna is a bully and that she has made me ill. And I have openly admitted that I can get better if I really want to because I am a fighter, which means that I will have to keep on pushing, if I want to or not.. and realizing that I can do this I now know that I have to see it through.

But Anna won't give up without a fight. She'll fight me the way I'm fighting her, and that makes it soooo hard. The more I push, the more she will push.. I can feel that now, so much, it's scary. I want her out, and she knows it, and she knows that I can get her out, and she'll keep on bullying me. She realizes that Fay is starting to stand up to her.

After having a great day, she now is causing all these "eruptions" inside of me. She wants to punish me, and she's making me feel bad for having all these positive thoughts and for doing the positive things I need to do in order for me to ban her from my life.. She makes me feel like a failure for having such a great day yesterday. I feel so bad for having those thoughts yesterday. She wants me to feel bad. She wants me to be miserable. She doesn't want me to feel good, to socialize, to enjoy my yogurt, to take my supplements, anything. She doesn't want me to be happy in a way, shape or form. Why is she being so mean? I just want to be normal, and to be the happy person I was.. Why does she have to bully me? Why can't she just leave me alone? I NEED to rest, I NEED my food, I NEED people to give me compliments, I NEED put on weight.. But she just doesn't feel that I need any of this. So if a compliment for instance does come my way.. She makes me want to undo any good that I have done, whether it's my mood or my strength. She punishes and bullies me straight away.

She makes me feel guilty for listening and reacting to what my body needs..
But I'm only human aren't I?
I want to enjoy being around people, I want to look forward to having visitors, I want to look forward to my future, I want to be the happy person I once was. But she won't let me.. She would rather see me cry every morning, just so as she knows that I'm miserable. Why?

Would she be happy if I were to constantly stay the way I am now, being up and down, battling, struggling everyday, trying to figure out who I choose to listen to or who I give permission to control my mood and food intake? A person cannot fight this thing for their entire lives.. But she would be happy to see me do it..

What will happen, the more I push her out, will she get more aggressive? But she can't, can she? Because the more I fight, the more she'll fight back.. Oh my god, It scares me so much to think ahead.. What if I get her out and she comes back, twice as aggressive? I know I'm jumping the gun a little.. But she's just so mean, and I hate her so much for putting me through this.. It's just on unfair...