Session number 6

Session number 6..

Monday afternoon, another visit to Diann.
After bottling up so much over the past few days and after not speaking for hardly any of them.. It was like a race against the clock, from the moment I went in. I didn't want to loose a second of our session..
The whole day I wasn't able to speak, because I was then afraid that I'd loose focus and forget what I want to get off my chest.

Like last week, I felt that I was just throwing all this aggression at her. No, frustration is probably a better word. I was just ranting on about nothing.. well that's what I felt like.

First of all, I totally was sick of the supplements, that was what was getting up my nose the most, at that moment. The whole week I was doing so well.. I wasn't really minding taking them, I just did it. They weren't making me feel all that bad. Not until Saturday.. Then they started to make me feel fuller and fuller..For the past 3 days or so I've been feeling sick in the morning and at night. Sick as in wanting to vomit. And there's nothing as bad as feeling that sick and still eating foods and drinking these supplements. It's gross. Yesterday it all reached a head.. I couldn't eat my dinner, I was so full, I sat with my noodles, I was shaking and I just couldn't get them down. I felt like I used to feel before anybody knew what was going on with me and they were all feeding me fatty disgusting foods. Yesterday I relived that awful feeling. I'm not sure why.. Probably because of feeling so full and at the same time visualizing my goal (a healthy, independent and adventurous life) while trying eat it (which makes me want to eat it so badly), but physically not been able to. And that made me angry with myself..angry with Anna. Then I felt like a failure.. and pathetic.. (I mean, come on, who on earth cannot just sit down and eat a bowl of noodles without leaving the table in tears.. how annoying!!).

The sickly feeling was still there this morning..
I struggled soooo much trying to my yogurt, I wanted to explode. It just made me so mad, and I was feeling so so bad. Mainly it's because my digestive system has slowed down. I'm eating so regular that I'm feeling full all the time. My whole insides have been effected by the lack of food for so long, that it's now unnatural for it all to work at a normal pace. And I'm paying for it now.. by being in "pain" constantly.
It should all start to get back to normal, slowly. But I need to keep it up. To me, that feels just so disgusting and wrong; knowing that I'm training my digestive system to get back to normal again. It scares me so much, because the more I train it, the more regular I will be needing to eat and my brain will slowly be adapting to normal eating patterns and telling me I'm hungry, and I know I will need to act on that to keep up this "training of my digestive system".
I know that slowly the days of being ABLE to live on nothing and starve myself for as long as possible will be history.. and I will slowly regain a normal eating pattern. This scares me so much. I am aware that this needs to happen to get my life, of course I do. Otherwise I won't get better and I won't beat this. But the more my body gets used to this, the more control I'm loosing.. And this feels so unnatural..

So the supplements.. yeah, at the moment I'm totally p*ssed off by them. But, as Diann said, for now they are keeping me out of hospital. I am aware of this, and I have taken them all, the whole week. No matter how bad they have been making me feel.. I haven't missed one. I have been eating all my extras as well, only yesterday I missed dinner. That was my only "loosing point" of the week.

Along with all these bad feelings, I have been noticing some positive effects of the supplements.. thank god there are a few anyway. They are giving me more energy, physically and mentally. I don't get as quickly out of breath as I did 2 weeks ago, the volume in my voice is coming back, I'm not as dizzy as I was when I'm talking (even though it hasn't totally gone yet) and my heart feels stronger (not too sure if this is possible, but I think so anyway). So.. as Fay would say : "Hurray for the supplements!".

In general it was a hectic week. Mainly because my sister and little nephew Aiden came over to visit from Holland. It was so great to see them. It really was. But it added to the pressure this week, all brought on by myself. But I couldn't help it.. I spent everyday analyzing my mood..worrying that I wasn't being social.. worrying that I was being a cow, worrying that I was being ungrateful for their visit.. I was wanting to talk, but not being able.. I was wanting to join in the laughs, but feeling so bad that I just really didn't care. I felt so bad towards them both.. (emma, I know you understand and that it wasn't a problem for you, really I do, but you know me, and feelings of guilt.. sorry), I wanted to run around with Aiden, pick him up, play with him and just be fun to be around. But I couldn't for lack of energy and good humor. Since Saturday morning I've been doom and gloom.. (I think there was this massive black just following me around, I couldn't escape it, no matter how hard I tried). Aiden is such a gorgeous little lad, love him to bits. Being around him made me become aware of how ill I am and made me feel so old and battered. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to give the attention I wanted.. probably a reason for me feeling so low.. And even though I wasn't able to express how happy I was to see him and to be around him, it really did open my eyes..

Last night, my sister Orla and boyfriend Arno and niece Enya got here. I'm worried a little that the same thing will happen. That I will be analyzing my mood and putting pressure on myself to lighten up and then if I don't it will make me feel bad.. But I know I shouldn't, so I will do my best, just to let myself be in the mood that I am feeling.. I have to learn that they DO understand and that I don't have put up a "front". I have to realize that I don't have to act differently than I'm feeling.
This will only drain me even more. It will make me feel more tired than I'm already feeling.. So, advice from Diann, just be true to your feelings Niamh!

Another issue arose. Last week, after my first day on 3 supplements I had a bit of "scare". I was taking my last supplement, and they always get my heart beating faster. And, this was a new, it also made my chest feel tight. It did freak out a little. My heart isn't the strongest at the moment, so ma said that if I was to have any chest pains, that I had to tell her, just to be safe. So I did and the next day I was sitting in the doctor's office. Her initial reaction (she seen me 3 weeks ago) was that I had to go into hospital, straight away. (It all kind of went above my head and I wasn't really grasping what exactly was going on, until ma told me afterwards in the car on the way home) She said I was looking so bad, that she felt we needed to speed things up a little. For me to go into hospital now, would mean I would go to the accident and emergency ward, be put on a trolley and would have to wait for a bed, which could take days. Ma said she wasn't even considering it. This wouldn't help me one bit. I wouldn't be eating anything, and it would only interfere with our own "program" that we've got going at the moment.. So when ma told me how awful, distressing and depressing it would be for me to have to go through that in hospital, I'm pretty happy that I'm in the comfort of my own home, and think that we are handling this all pretty well so far.
Here's why:
Recovering from this ordeal at home: How glorious it is and what is required:
1)Bed rest ---> It's my own bed!!! even though I'm not totally in that place yet.. but slowly I'm pushing myself to spend more hours with my feet up and resting my legs.. I should be taking naps during the day or more lie-downs..
2)Adding an extra food each week --->In hospital it would be a 3000 to 4000 cal diet.. from day 1, full of fat and bad scary foods.. How depressed would I be feeling then.. This gives me more control and a greater sense of achievement.
3)Supplements ---> I would have to take these in hospital as well, but it would be ALONG with the 3000cal intake through fatty foods. But again, I take these myself and still have that little bit of control (god, I must be a control freak, I'm certainly liking the word "control")
4)Family support ---> The best remedy for any kind of physical or mental pain.. and seeing as though I'm dealing with both at the moment.. the best place for me to be.. and THEY ARE ALL THE BEST!!! Also, having people around you, living normal lives and doing normal things, reminds you that one day (hopefully soon) I will be wanting to get my life back as well. It keeps me on my toes.
5)Inner strength---> This is a tricky one.. because you would also require this if you were in hospital.. But it comes in fierce handy, when Anna is on your shoulder giving out to you for lying in bed.. ugly cow that she is.. all the while constantly eating and ignoring the feeling of being full... at the same time.. Can you imagine how confused my poor brain is.. (First of all, starving and training myself not to act on hunger, and now the total opposite.. eating all the time even when I'm not hungry.. god I've really challenged my brain to say the least.. that's what I call brain training..who needs the "Nintendo DS"..)
6)Fingers that could type forever-->extremely handy, just to sort out all the sh*t and messy feelings that come along with all this food consumption, and to keep some of you guys entertained.

So all, in all, I was shocked that the doctor wanted me to go in straight away, but realized how lucky I am to be at home, and it also gave me a wake-up call.. an extra dose of realization hit home. I have pushed myself to my limits.. of 31 kilos.

Then the whole "time frame" issue was brought up.. I was ranting and raving about things that might happen in months to come.. and what if bla bla bla.. and how long this and how long that..?? Diann said "Hold on Niamh, where are you rushing off to...?".. "I have to go traveling!!, It's all waiting for me!".
And then, me being in my "not great mood" this afternoon, I said "right, I'm feeling fine anyhow, can I leave Ireland tomorrow?".. Not happening my friend, not by a long shot..
So, how long will this all take Diann?
Every person is different. Ever person has a different body. Ever person has different physical and mental strength. Of course there isn't a set time for the recovery of certain physical "damage" that has been done, but I was curious...:
1)Bed rest--> "How long?" I asked. Diann: "well, how long is a string?".. Hummm.... It has to end somewhere..when there's nothing more to unravel? Slowing down, will make it stop..?"(didn't quite get that one..) But the more I rest now, the sooner I will I rebuild my body. I have to learn to listen to my body and know when I have to rest. For the next weeks anyhow, I'm to rest as much as possible and do as little walking as possible.
2)Supplements--> "How long?" I asked. Well, this all depends on how I feel about them. At the moment I'm not liking them all that much. As soon as I feel that I am strong enough to be able to eat big enough meals to get the nutrition and calories I need, then I can slowly take less, and see how I adapt without them. Some girls are on them for a year. Some for 6 months.. I definitely still have a while (and to think.. I've only be taking them for 2 weeks... I just keep reminding myself..they are keeping me out of hospital)
3)Rebuilding muscle tissue--> "How long?".. Diann: "Rebuilding of muscle tissue, comes with bed rest.. the more you rest or even sit down now, the less you will need to in months to come. It can take a while." (That didn't really give me any indication)
4)Heart--> "How long?".. Diann: "Well, that depends on if there has been any damage done and if so, the extent. (I had a heart scan done, and it's very slow, not too sure what the medical terms are and what exactly is going on, but on Friday I have an appointment in the hospital in Dublin, and then we'll know more about what exactly is wrong..sounds real vague.. it is to me as well..).

There was this other issue that was starting to freak me out..
I have been having these strange "episodes" whenever I have been out of the house the past week (the past months to be quite honest). It's like, sometimes (it doesn't happen all the time, but last week it happened 3 times.. freaky man!) I would walk to the petrol station or just go down to the shops or whatever and I would become dazed, I would switch off to the outside world, I would be happy just to sit down anywhere and not move a muscle, just stare into space. The shops could burn down around and I wouldn't care, I'd be quite content to just sit there forever, not to speak or do anything.. It seems to be a case of "the lights are on but there's nobody home.." So strange. Afterwards when I then think back to what I did or where I went, I cannot believe that that person was me, and cannot understand why that feeling came upon me.
So....
Diann to the rescue.. "AM I GOING MENTAL??" According to Diann, this is because everything we do on a daily basis, involves a certain amount of stress. Even just being around people or going to the pub or socializing. In order to deal with certain situations your brain needs to be fueled with a certain amount of glucose. When the brain isn't fed enough, this "dazed" or "spaced-out" feeling protects yourself.. it happens automatically due to being malnourished. Doing anything, except just "being" is an effort for my body at the moment. Sometimes it's so hard to realize this, but during every session, Diann would bring it up.. Just as a reminder.

Well, It was, again, a real good hour of just throwing out lots of things.. very muddled I was, but I managed to take a lot from it. The human body is a crazy place and it has made me more curious as to how it all works exactly. I know quite a bit (well, I like to think I do..haha), but I think I'd like to know more, It would definitely help to see how important nutrition is and I could become more aware of what exactly is going on in my body right now as well.

Once I was finished ranting and raving, I was actually feeling breathless, my heart was pounding, I felt like I had just run a marathon or had an intensive work out in the gym.. Mam said: "Niamh, that's the most you've spoken since Friday".. And that was it, I sat back in the seat and was exhausted.. letting everything rattle around in these confused little braincells of mine and started reliving what was said and trying to take as much from it as possible..

I reckon I did okay.. Time for bed now!!! Nighty night!