Thursday 14-08-08

Thursday.. a strange day..

I decided today.. after my the "homework" I received from Mr. Acupuncture (2 weeks ago, do you remember, everyday I have to say to myself.. "today I choose.." and then I must fill in the sentence with whatever I like) that today "i choose not to analyze anymore".. I was so tired after the past few days..
So I just switched off to this whole "situation".. and just decided to be myself.. I can come out of my "shell" (that I sometimes go into, just to sort out my head), and just be the person I am. And I tried, but I'm not too sure that it worked..

O, here I go again, straight away I'm analyzing.. (I can't help and I feel the need to, so I'm just going to do it now). We went shopping in another town this afternoon, and I was just a normal person, keeping up with the rest, not having too much troubles, my legs weren't too sore, I wasn't out of breath so all was fine.
BUT..
Because I choose to switch off, it was like I was looking AT myself, it was like I wasn't ME. I was an outsider looking in.. I didn't like what I was seeing.. I saw a troubled girl who was pretending to be somebody she wasn't. I saw what other people saw. I saw a girl who is ill. I saw a girl that wasn't happy. It gave me a fright, it scared me... THAT'S ACTUALLY ME....

Why did I choose to block it out today?Well.. Because sometimes it's so tiring, I cannot always focus on this.. I need to have other things to occupy me.. That's normal and I can do that no problem. But focusing on other things doesn't necessarily mean that I have to pretend that I something I'm not. I probably didn't need to tell myself today that I'm healthy and feeling fine, and choosing not be anorexic. But it did make me look at myself in the shop mirrors (you know when you're shopping, there are mirrors everywhere..it's the worst isn't it..) and see what everyone else sees. Maybe I needed to see this? Maybe it was meant to give me another little push, another push to fight Anna... Who knows....

I reckon I need to focus on other things, and I do focus on other things, some days more than other. But by doing so, doesn't mean that I automatically have to pretend I'm something I'm not..

My sister Orla, her boyfriend and my little beautiful niece enya are here at the moment, and I felt like I needed to make the effort, to just be me.. I felt they needed to know that there still is a normal Niamh in there somewhere.. They leave tomorrow and I would feel bad if I knew that I didn't even try to be on top of things (Orla I know you don't mind, just like Emma, but I can't help it, I just feel guilty.. you know me..). Tomorrow night I have 2 friends coming over from Holland. I am looking forward to seeing them, but also worried that I won't be able to entertain them. Again, I know that they don't mind.. they have already said.. and they really are the best.. So I just have to try and keep this in mind..
I have to just try pace myself and be honest about it..

Another thing tomorrow.. I also have an appointment in the morning in the hospital. This is my assessment. I'm not too sure what it involves, but it will be a hectic day. I just want to get it out of the way..
It is worrying me a little, for a number a different (mainly stupid) reasons.. I'm worried that they won't think I'm ill.. that they will say I'm doing well and that my weight is ok. If they say that to me, I'm worried that I will want to make myself feel worse again, by not resting, by walking, by not wanting to eat.. I'm worried that it will undo the GOOD that I have been doing the past weeks.. That I will end up back at square one again. I'm worried that they will weigh me and that I will have put on weight and that it, again, will trigger Anna and I'll be feeling bad and sh*t and if I'm not feeling bad and I will NEED to make myself feel bad.
I really don't want them to weigh me..That is my main worry.. If I've put on a few kilos they'll presume I'm better.. I have been doing so well the past couple of weeks with my supplements and eating.. I'm now scared to death of the effect this hospital visit will have on me..

There.. I've said it.. I wasn't going to own up to it. I didn't want to admit that this appointment is a big deal for me.. I was going to just keep it to myself... But.. Hey, Better out than in I suppose..

God, this blog is godsend.. it really is. I wasn't going to write today.. I said that to myself this morning (yes, niamh has now officially gone insane because she even talks to herself now aswell as living her life through this website..;) "I'm not going to write on my blog today".. but I'm glad I decided to jump on anyway, I feel slightly better now...
We'll see how tomorrow goes, I just have to pace myself.. and stay strong.