Today I choose...

I just came across a website and was reading about stories of victory. Women who have overcome anorexia.

An American woman said something that I linked to something I couldn't quite comprehend, not until I read this online: "I didn't feel freedom, I didn't feel liberated. I was being lived, and wasn't living my life myself. Not until I started making CHOICES for myself, not until the decisions I made were MY OWN, they were MY CHOICE, did I feel freedom".

When someone makes their own choices, that is when somebody experienced freedom. My acupuncturist, told me to do homework. Every morning for the past 4 weeks, I write down what it is I choose to do today.. It can be anything.. something big, something small.. (This is called a "mantra"=a spiritual tradition used to divert the mind from instinctual desires). Even though I knew it would give me confidence, saying this to myself everyday and acting upon these choices that I'm constantly making, I only realize now how this is linked to Anna. When I was living according to Anna, I was BEING lived by someone else. I was making choices that would be driven by Anna. Nothing else would matter. A constant drive to push her forward and to support her. She influenced every choice I made.. But if I truly listen to ME, what choices would I make.. Then it's different. Of course, some mornings I would make choices that are influenced by Anna, on bad days especially. But not always.
I only realize now, how I can benefit from this homework. Repeating it daily, forces me to be aware of who exactly is making these choices and decisions in daily life.. I will become more and more aware of who exactly is living who and also whose lead I'm following.

Another daily ritual that I have started.. I got these cards from my aunt Brigid a month ago. Every morning since then I draw a card (I might have already mentioned this), and it has inspiring and encouraging words. Depending on the day, how I'm feeling and what I'm doing, I can try to get some sort support from these. They aim at helping you live in the here and now.
The one I drew today, was the one I have been able to relate to the most.. It says:
"Today I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time".
This is so closely linked to the "choice" I make more often than not, each morning.. I often choose the same choice in the mornings, to force myself to get better, and that's: "Today I choose to just let myself be". By this I mean, I'm not going to push myself, I am not going to over-analyze (the microscope mentioned on the card I drew this morning) things, I am going to eat all the things I'm supposed to, I'm will switch off to any feelings of discomfort, not think about how bad I'm feeling for eating..and just be.. (most days just "being" is the only thing I can deal with).

By saying this to myself each morning (and I must remind myself of the choice I have made throughout the day), I'm forcing myself to listen to Fay and to forget Anna. I'm switching off, I'm pretending. So I'm controlling the situation, I'm in charge and I'm living the way I want to live at this present moment. Keeping this up, being able to battle on, in this manner will give me freedom, is every sense of the word.