Eating machine

Can I possibly eat more?
Can I possibly feel more fat?
Can I not just make myself sick?
Can I not just clean out my body?
Can I get rid of all this food inside me?
It makes me hate myself so much.

I feel so much disgust.
I despise myself so much.
I cannot get rid of it all.
It's just there, and I can't escape from it.
It frustrates me.
It makes me angry and sad.
I'm the scum of the earth right now.
There's nothing I can do about it.
That's just the way it is.
I'm a pig, an eating machine.
When I can I stop this?
Never.. Can I not just stop?
Just for 1 day, clean out my body?
It's too much and it's going nowhere.
My throat feels like it's closed off.
Like there a sign in front of my mouth:
"Cannot and will not eat" is what it says.

Why does it have to be such a big deal?
Why is there such a thing as food?
When can my day revolving around me stuffing my face?
Who ever thought of the concept of food?
What was the point if it causes people so much pain?
It's so unfair, why does it have to rule my life?
When will it stop? When will it be dealt with?
I'm sick of it now.. I've had it..
I've been doing all I can, day in day out.
Am I done yet? Can I leave? Can I have my life back?

I'm wore out and I'm tired.
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of eating, I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of regretting.
I'm tired of dreaming, I'm tired of being me.

I hate what I have done to myself.
I have brought this all on me.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I'm paying the price for my stupidity.
I'm suffering like nobody will ever believe.
Like nobody will ever understand.
All caused by me. What a stupid person I am.
What ever possessed me to do this to my body?
I will never understand the pain I'm putting myself through.
It will always remain the biggest mistake of my life.

In dark moments, these sound like music to my ears.. Because I know that there is someone else out there, who feels exactly like me.. :

"The only blame I cast is on myself, for wanting the happiness I couldn't have, and still now can't believe I deserve.."

"Lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night. The barrier and blockades keep me safe and in control while pretending I'm okay".