Tuesday Morning 19-08-08

Another day, another one to get through.
And I'm tired, I'm wrecked.
My head is wrecked and I'm feeling down.
I'm feeling drained and low.
My mood is low and I'm giving in to it.
It's a long day ahead of me.
It's only 10:42am.
Can I not just end it already?
Start over again, tomorrow.
Start it over in a better mood.
I don't have the energy to turn my mood around.
Usually that's exactly what I would do.
On a regular day I would be able.
I know saying to myself:"I feel like shit",
Will make me feel like shit.
So I am and therefore making myself worse.
But I don't really care.
Because it's Anna.
She says I'm not supposed to feel good.
I have to switch off to Anna.
Ignore her or else she'll get her way.
Or else she'll win today.
She putting me in a bad mood right now.
But nothing more than that.
In order to eat, I've switched her off.

Today I have to add my "extra".
It's another spoonful of muesli.
It was a lot I must admit.
It took me forever to eat.
But I ate it and didn't analyze it.
I was so into my book, in another world.
So I didn't think.
Just forced myself to reach for the spoon.
And feed myself like I'm feeding a baby.
Chewing, chewing, chewing.
Feeling full, but ignoring it.
Wanting to throw half of in the bin.
But ignoring it and just stuffing my face.
1,5 hours later, mission finally accomplished.
An empty bowl.

This afternoon I have acupuncture.
It's been 3 weeks since the last appointment.
I'm not really dreading it.
It might lift my mood.
But Anna won't let me be in good mood.
She doesn't want the world to think I'm getting better.
She won't allow it.
She wants me to feel bad.
And, yes, I'm letting her.
All I have to focus on is eating.
And just let my mood be whatever it wants to be.