Update Wednesday 27-08-08

I ended yesterday on a high note and I started today on a high note..
I'm keeping it there, and have told myself not to over analyze anything.. I'm not going to ruin this day by wearing myself out. Steady as she goes..

My extra food for this week, is tofu.. a good source of protein. I have to eat 1 portion, cut it up into small pieces and munch on it throughout the day. This makes it easier to eat because it doesn't feel like I am eating a large extra amount. It's pretty tasty, well with lots of herbs and spices anyhow. So we will see how it goes. I also have to have an extra half portion of either rice or noodle (my carbohydrates). So, full steam ahead.. And I keep on eating..

I don't feel too bloated or full right now, which is a very nice feeling. For now, it's not making me feel bad. I have taught myself to switch off the feeling of fear, that comes from feeling full or from feeling like I'm digesting food (this can scare Anna as it's a sign that my body is starting to adjust). I have also taught myself to switch off the feeling of fear, that comes from feeling hungry (this will also scare Anna as it's a sign that I need food). I have started to feel hunger pangs on a regular basis and I try to act on them. Usually the pangs start just when I have to have to eat something or take my supplement drink. So that works, for now anyhow. I switch off Anna, I try everyday. I works on good days and it's harder on bad days and takes so much more determination. But I will keep trying. I will keep on eating, no matter what voice I'm trying to either ignore or to listen to.

Yesterday, at dinner, I think I took a miniature baby step.. Mam was making quiche, with eggs and pastry (obviously), salmon, onion, peppers and cheese. I haven't had this is years. I had already checked the box to see what fats were in the pastry.. and there was 10 grams of fat per 100 grams(if there is more than 5 grams of fat or sugar per 100 grams, then it's NOT a healthy option..). I would usually avoid eggs like the plague. Mam asked me if I wanted to have some, she suggested I could eat the same dinner as them. This hasn't happened in I don't know how long because I always want to prepare my own food as I then know exactly what's in it. I was so tempted so say that I would make my own dinner, but I forced myself to say yes.. The nearer dinnertime got, the more panicked I was feeling. At the very last minute I wanted to say that I wouldn't be able to eat it.. But I didn't. I made myself sit down and eat the same as the rest, even though I hadn't prepared it myself and knowing that it wasn't a healthy option. I ate it and it didn't take me forever. It took so much for me to switch off all these "buttons" in my head, but I did. I thought I might break down afterwards, but I didn't. I stayed strong, I didn't let it ruin my mood, I didn't let it ruin my night, like it usually would have done. An hour later I had forgotten about it. Usually I would be stressing about the whole night and I would be tormented with guilt and gross feelings.
So, I think I took a baby step there, even though it took so much strength. Unreal. But I did! It was after all a Tuesday, a good day, and I made the most of it.

I also went to acupuncture yesterday. I don't know if you remember what went on last week, but Mr. Acupuncturist wanted me to have a half a slice of toast last, extra everyday. This freaked me out and I wasn't too sure if I would and could do it. He wanted to know how it went. I told him honestly, that I tried it a few times, but it didn't work out too well. Eating it made me feel so disgusting and I could not figure out how on earth I was benefiting from this half a slice of toast.. (even though Mam said "you swear he asked me to climb the mount everest".. Well, figure of speech, I am climbing a mountain here, so yeah, he asked to climb a few km's up the mountain.. and I didn't make, I failed and don't care. This sounds ridiculous to everyone right now, but I don't really care).
Having that toast, just totally muddled up my "eating pattern" that I'm following with Diann. He was interfering with it, and Diann said that it was uncalled for. So I had to tell him.. Yeah, I am so assertive man!! I said to him I'm following one person's eating advice, and that's Diann, otherwise it gets too confusing. Mr. Acupuncturist soon went very quiet.. There you go, that telling him and he toast where to go!!! Stick to what you do best mate.. (I just hope that I haven't created this "fobia" of eating toast or bread now.. like the "banana incident" weeks ago..)

The treatment itself was a glorious one. I had the same amount of needles as last week, and the same length of time (50 minutes). It didn't hurt like it did last week and I didn't feel sickly either. I felt relaxed, as if I was floating, my hands went numb and then my legs. I got fuzzy sensations in my head and was literally on another planet (or back on the beach in Thailand). Then, all of a sudden, about 10 minutes before the treatment was finished, I felt this rush going right straight through me, starting in my stomach all the way to my head, my eyes jumped open and it was a major rush of energy.. It was so strange.. kind of freaky at the same time.. And then I felt all floaty again, like I was flying.. and relaxed at the same time. This probably sounds real vague, but so nice. I felt it working and it was definitely doing me some good.

Having the acupuncture yesterday, also made my already "good Tuesdays", even better.
I didn't mind having conversations (except at the very hard time during dinner), I was feisty, I had energy and people were positively getting on my nerves and I was able to say so.. I was short fused, but it was nice to be that way, I haven't felt that in weeks. It's a sign that my stress levels have been stimulated, which is good. Seeing as though sometimes (and these are Mam's words) I seem so laid back that I'm nearly horizontal.. Even last night, Mam, Eileen and I went to Tesco's. We needed to pick up some bits. I swear, I have never experienced such a stressful visit to the supermarket in all my life. Even though it was 9 o clock on a Tuesday night. It wasn't busy, we didn't need alot of shopping.. But I was extremely stressed. I didn't look like I was, but I felt it.. Big time.. (Eileen even said afterwards.. "Isn't it nice just to have a browse around on a evening..".. I couldn't believe that I was only one who thought it was stressful.. the acupuncture..all this energy I reckon..)
Right enough about that.. Moving on..

I had a glorious sleep too.. Was extremely relaxed. That doesn't happen often, so when it does, it's so nice! I have been going to bed around 12 and would be a sleep by 1, after some reading. When I go to bed at night, I don't really think.. "O no, what am I going to do tomorrow" (only when I've been in house for days on end). I cannot compare the feeling of not working at the moment to being unemployed. When you're unemployed, it can be hard getting up in the morning, because you don't have a reason to get out of bed. You have to keep yourself motivated. But in my case, when I go to bed at night, I know I have to get up at a reasonable hour (I'm an early bird anyhow, so no problems), because it's another day of sticking to my eating-patterns. I have to be up and out of bed, or else I wouldn't have any routine and I wouldn't be working at getting well. It's not like the saying "another day, another dollar". But in my case "another day, another chance to beat Anna". So it's not like I go to work. It's not like I'm unemployed either. I do have a reason to get out of bed in the morning and that's to recover and to eat. Everyday, trying to step forward, trying to regain energy, trying to work through things, trying to store calories. So I shouldn't really feel useless on days that I'm bored, because I'm doing good. I'm not wasting away time, I'm working through this. Everyday. And if 1 day I fail, I get a shot at it again, tomorrow. I can do it all over. If a particular eating pattern doesn't work for me one day, then I can change the approach the following day. If I try to push myself too hard one day, I know to take a step back the next.
(huummmm, interesting.. maybe I could stick this on my resume, once it's all over and done with.. and then at the job interview, future boss says: "I see here, you have spent ?months being anorexic, now tell me what were your tasks and how will this company benefit from you having fulfilled this position in the past?".. Well.. "I am now fully able to eat for Ireland (and Holland if you like), cook amazing meals, ask me the amount of fat and calories and sugar in anything edible I can tell you, I have determination, willpower, I believe I can achieve anything and last not least I have the strength and energy of an ox." So, what do you reckon.. Will I get the job? Right, getting totally side-tracked and I'm not just joking ofcourse.

But, just making the point, that I'm not wasting time.
I'm trying to pace myself today. Listening to my body. Had a visit from my Da earlier on, was good, but a conversation of a half an hour was tiring. So now, time to relax.. I want to save as much of that energy I got from the acupuncture yesterday, as I can, so I'm signing off for now..