We just don't know

I always remember, years and years ago, that I would see girls on documentaries, girls on talk shows.. Being anorexic.
So sad, so unhappy, so vulnerable, so fragile..

I would always feel so sorry for these girls. I would pity them as well. I always thought.. "Why would someone starve themselves in order to be skinny? Do they feel proud of themselves for being skinny? Does it give them a sense of achievement? Do they think they are more worthy if they can go through life being so thin? Do they think it's something other people envy? Why do they do that to themselves?"

I always thought.. God, how can they feel a sense of pride being like that? Anybody can starve themselves, anybody with willpower can just stop eating and loose an enormous amount of weight.. How can that feel like a worthy accomplishment? They look awful, are unhealthy and more importantly, they are unhappy.
I couldn't understand where that desire would come from to make themselves like that. Isn't is far more fulfilling to be in a healthy state of mind, in a strong and healthy body, being fit both mentally and physically. Isn't there a bigger sense of pride when you CAN eat whatever you want, whenever you want, you CAN indulge, you CAN stuff your face and not feel guilty about it as well as maintaining a healthy fit body and mind through exercise and being active and happy in yourself.
Isn't that something to so much prouder of?

Starving yourself, whoever, be it you or I, hears that..automatically thinks of shame, unhappiness, self loathe, hatred and bitterness. Making yourself believe that you aren't worthy of food and that you're, for some reason, supposed to end up like this. Leading yourself to believe that this is, for some insane reason, your destiny.. This is how you were meant to be.. But not being able to figure out, why on earth you have convinced yourself of this and have lived according to this belief, so strongly.

I have become one of those girls I would pity. The girls that I felt so sorry for. They always look so lost, so alone, so unhappy. Therefore they are, or more to point, we are, or getting right down to the bone, I am along, lost and unhappy.
Anybody who feels the need to put themselves through so much pain, would only do so because of unhappiness. Why else would someone make themselves suffer so much?

It makes me so sad, that I, somewhere along the line, felt the need to do this to myself. I used to always look at the human body as being something precious. Something that is not be abused, something that is valuable. So if I always would think like this, then why on earth have I abused it so much? That's something I cannot figure out. It's the only body I'll ever be given, and I have abused it so much, on purpose. Somehow I felt the need to abuse it, secretly. And it makes me angry with myself. Purposely damaging my body.. What was I thinking?
I have obviously done it for a reason.. I just don't know why.

My heart goes out to all the girls in the world, who are in the same place as me right now, or who are where I was months ago. I would just love to tell them all, if they haven't gotten help, that they need to get it NOW... The longer they ignore it, the harder it will be to recover.. the more they push, the harder it will be to push back in the "Fay" direction.
It's such an awful thing. It's so sad. And it can be so hard to understand, hard to describe and hard to fight. I don't know, I don't understand and probably never will..It's like what Diann said last week: "That's the thing Niamh, WE just don't know". Nobody knows..