Playing the game

A feeling that cannot be described
I cannot express it with words
It's empty and hollow
As well as full and stuffed
Wanting more, knowing you should
But not wanting to give in
Self loathing then follows the debate
Because you want it
But you're not allowing yourself
But other want you to
And your body tells you it needs it
But there still something else
Something inside that says no
It says that its against the rules
The rules I have lived by
The rules that would make me a better person
If I go against them I'll be a bad person
Then in being disobedient
Like a little girl I should then be punished
That's also not allowed anymore
All the rules I would obeyed by
They have become empty
They have become meaningless
So what rules am I supposed to live by now?
Who is going to tell me the new ones?
How will I know if they are the right ones?
It's unfair to change the rules, so far into the game!
Doesn't that mean it's game over?
Do I have to start all over again now?
Have I started obeying the new rules already?
Eating that muesli bar last night at 8.30
Was that a new rule I must follow?
I don't think I like this new game that much
It doesn't make me happy or feel good
The players in this new game
They are nicer than the other players
But still, this game is so much harder
It's got so many more levels
I was nearly finished the other game
I was nearly near the end
I was nearly a winner
But now.. I'm not too sure
Will I have enough lives to get to the highest level?
They say practice makes perfect
But I have to learn the new rules first
Or else I can't play the game
When I can't play, it will constantly be "game-over"
Then I'll get frustrated because I'm not getting anywhere
That's when it's crucial
That's when I'll want to give up
I won't want to play the game anymore
Not until I know I'm getting better at it
Loosing all my lives means "game-over"
Getting to the highest level means "game-over"
I wonder if I've been building up my score
I wonder if this score will give me extra lives
How many attempts? How much patience? How many lives?
Keeping the rules simple and my head clear
Concentration, focus, determination
Keep on playing.. see how far I get..