Wendy and Janneke came to visit

It's Sunday afternoon. I've had a hectic week and a half. This morning my 2 friends (Wendy and Janneke) from Holland left, after they were here for 2 days (well actually one full day as we picked them up from the airport on Friday evening).

It was great to see them and it was something that I really needed even though I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up the pace. They understood fully that I wasn't able to do that much as we usually would do. I did my best, gave it all my energy because I knew that it was only 1 day, and I'm not sure when I'll be seeing them again. So I wanted to make the most of it and I did.

It's so strange though, because I realized just how much effort it can take to function properly the whole day when you're around people and in the outside world, at the same time. It seemed so hard to just be the way I usually am when around friends..

Chatting, laughing, talking about nothing in general or real tricky... walking and talking at the same time. The hardest thing of all was taking in the hustle and bustle and dealing with the stress of the "outside world" as well as chatting and being sociable. It seems so surreal or alien even that, whenever being outside in the shopping center for instance, everyone around me is able to walk (at "high speed), laugh and shop, all at the same time. Lately, whenever I'm out shopping, I wouldn't speak a lot, I wouldn't be able to because it would make me too dizzy. I would already have enough to deal with with all the people around me. I never realized until yesterday. I cannot imagine that I used to go shopping with a group of girls... laughing, talking sh*t, trying on clothes, eating, walking, being on a mission to buy as much as poss and spend as little as poss, and having a fun and not thinking twice about it..
So so strange...
Everybody can deal with stress of daily life, everything we do brings a certain level of stress along with it, even if it's just walking to the shop. In order to deal with all this (and basically just live a normal life because that is exactly what life is about)the human body needs food and nutrition constantly..

So, back to yesterday, in the shopping center. We sat in the cafe, me having my supplement and Wendy and Janneke were having a smoothie, the lucky ducks (haha), and I found myself looking at all these teenage girls, in little groups of 4 and 5 all just walking around, laughing, gossiping, wanting the latest fashion, all looking healthy with behinds and chests 2 and 3 times bigger than mine, and I was wondering how the hell do they keep their body's ticking over, it's all working so well for them.. They don't seem to have any problems maintaining a healthy body.

How? Why? To keep up with life you constantly have to be eating. You constantly have to feed yourself and burn calories. To laugh at a joke, to tell a funny story, to cry, to feel normal daily feelings that we all through.. For everybody's heart to keep on beating a person constantly must eat.. The day revolves around a persons stomach.. It all revolves around food but it doesn't seem that way to them. They aren't eating constantly, they have probably been walking for hours and haven't been filling their mouths constantly.. So why do I feel that that is what it's all about? Why do I seem to think that everyone always needs to be eating constantly, just to do things? Is it because I DO need to constantly be eating to do ANYTHING AS SMALL AS WALKING TO THE SHOP? Is it because I'm "grown" to next to nothing? How can somebody run up the stairs if they haven't just had something to eat? How come I can't do that?
I sat there and I was just amazed the way everybody was full of energy, having a great time (or not, I don't know of course, but it seemed that way to me) without eating at the same time. Where and when did they get their energy? How many hours have they not eaten for? What have they eaten today?

It's like my little sister for instance. She doesn't seem to eat anything.. Every dinnertime she says "I'm not that hungry so I don't really care what we have for dinner".. I seem to eat more than she does, but she runs everywhere, always with a certain level of stress, she goes and goes and goes.. How? She hasn't hardly eaten today.. She would probably only have a bowl of cereal, a sandwich and a normal portion for dinner (if she would have dinner).. ( of course I don't know what she eats whenever she's out of the house, but still..). I just cannot seem to figure it out. Maybe I'm just being plain stupid now, and you are all probably thinking that I don't know how the human body functions.. It may seem that way. Of course I know, but I still constantly ask myself these questions..

Well, after this weekend, I have learned a lot about the human body.. and by the time I'm better, I'll probably know just as much as any sportsman, doctor, nutritionist and dietician.. I now know, or I'm learning and realizing, what it feels like and what happens to the human body when it's been underfed for a certain amount of time. I can feel the consequences and the "pain" the human body must go through whilst trying to rebuild strength and tissue. Now and then I feel and am aware of what happens to the brain when it has been underfed for a longer period of time.

To be able to go through life, your body CONSTANTLY needs food.. This is something I need to get my head around.. (god, you would think that I've never known this, and that I have been living on air for the past 25 years.. but that's not the case, my mother did feed me when I was growing up.. ;).

Maybe I'm starting to readjust my ways of thinking. I always led myself to believe that.."If I'm not doing anything.. I don't need food".. "If I'm sitting down, I don't need to eat".. "Everything I put into my mouth, I need to burn by being active".. Maybe it's slowly turning around, and that's why I now observe every person that walks by.. I want to know what they have eaten, I want to take a look on the inside of their body.. I want to see how big their stomach is, I want to know how often they feel hungry and I want to check if they've got lots of fat cells and if so, I want to know how they can still be so active and energetic..
Is my way of thinking about food slowly changing? Maybe today it is.. maybe tomorrow it won't be... Time will tell..

Maybe being around Wendy and Janneke this weekend, just gave me a punch in the face.. Maybe it made me realize the way I used to be able to chat all day long and laugh and have fun constantly when we would be together, and now I couldn't. I wanted to, but couldn't, not constantly anyway without telling myself to calm down (speaking was the most tiring thing of all, I never knew that talking takes up so much energy..maybe that should be my new way to burn calories, my new exercise.. talking... would be fun I guess). It was frustrating at times as well, I wasn't able to be the person I usually am, even though I think "she" did come out a few times, only in short dosages though..

They left this morning, it was short but very very sweet and I'm so glad that they came over. I wanted them to take me in their hand luggage back to Holland.. (there probably would have been room for me, well at the moment anyhow, but not for long though, once I start piling on those kilo's). I want to be apart of normal life again and I don't want to shut off to the fact that there still is a normal life happening out there that I'm not apart of a the moment.. I want to join in with the fun of living again..

Kei veel bedankt voor jullie bezoek Wendy en Janneke, het was super!!!!! Ik hou van jullie!! xxxx