My mam...

My mother, My star.

My mam, always worrying, always trying to please me, always testing the water if I'm up or down, always dealing with the sh*t I'm putting her through.

I cannot imagine what it's like for a mother to deal with one of their children going through this and I probably won't.. not until I'm a mother myself (not happening anytime soon). I try to think about her, and what she's going through, but I cannot seem to understand. Probably because 50% of the time I tell myself that I'm fine and there's nothing wrong.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here, in Ireland, dealing with this illness, with so much help and support from family and friends.. I would still be in Holland, and would be worse off than I was at the beginning of June. I cannot and don't want to imagine what my life would have been like right now, or what road I would be heading down, if she hadn't dragged me to see the doctor Siobhan on the 9th of June. I'm just so grateful to her, for being so determined.. and for pushing me.. I know a mother's love in unconditional.. But still. I always feel guilty whenever I think of the things she's doing for me, and that her life has been turned upside down, just because of me. Her life has been put on hold, and this has taken over.. I shouldn't feel guilty or feel like a burden, but that's just me. I can't help it.

I put her through hell.. The poor thing, it must be like she's living in a house with 3 teenagers again (between me, eileen and sean.. 3 moody little sods we are..).. and she just puts up with it, and still wants to please everyone.

I also know whenever mam's happy about my progress and wants to praise me because she's proud but then says the wrong thing, thinking that I can deal with it at that moment in time.. But I can't, so I "take the face of her" and then we both feel bad.
I don't do it intentionally, but I STILL don't want any compliments.. I hate them and no matter how good I'm feeling, they instantly make me feel bad.. I'm not too sure of the reason just yet..

It must be hard, being scared to say the wrong thing all the time.. I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to react normal to things that are only meant to motivate and support me.. At the moment, I still don't think I'm worthy of feeling that I'm doing well and that I'm progressing.. And I'm scared that when I do hear how well I'm doing, that it will wake up Anna, if she's asleep at that present time..
It's hard. I wish I could react normally to them, but not just now.. It's too soon.

I hope my moodiness and being in my company will get more bearable as time progresses, I hope that I become the tolerant person soon, I hope that I'll get back to being bearable to live with again soon.. because I can't imagine how hard it is for Ma, Eileen and Sean.. I can only apologize and hope to be able to make it up to you some day soon, by being a pleasure to be around..
Love you lots and lots.xxxxx