02-09-08 Session 8

"How was my week?", Diann asked. I didn't really know. Or I did but I didn't want to hear myself speak to words. Once the words have been said out loud, then there's no escaping them.. There's no denying and there's no turning back..

But I had to honest, no matter how bad it made me feel. My week was okay. It wasn't a bad week. It was better than the week before and the week before that.. Why did I not want to say it? Because I'm admitting that I'm improving, I'm letting myself recover and it feels so wrong. Everything I have let myself do, this week, has felt wrong. Feeling hungry, feeling full, feeling good, feeling rested, finishing my food, eating all my extras, feeling proud of myself.. Everything makes me feel guilty. Being good to myself makes me feel so bad.. I know it's Anna.. I'm fully aware of that. She's getting angry because I'm ignoring her, because I'm fighting her, because I'm not listening to her and because I'm trying to resist her controlling and ruling my life. It's making her angry and that in turn makes me feel like the worst person in the world..
I could approach this is a different manor: Diann asked me to think of something that made me feel good about myself.. Something I had either done or was going to do.. Anything that gave me a boost. Tricky..(nothing at the moment..haha.. a no.. I just had to dig deep).. Well..I have been sorting through all my photos from when I was backpacking is Australia, and a few days ago I came across a picture taken in Sydney of me with just a random guy and the moment I saw it, a rush of energy went straight through, I could literally feel this shot of energy shoot through my core.. It was so strange.. The guy in the picture wasn't even a close mate or anything.. But just this amazing rush and buzz I got from that picture was freaky.. So that was something that made me feel good. She wanted me to switch between the 2 feelings.. "bring up the feelings of guilt.. relive it.. and now bring up the feeling of energy and joy from the picture.. relive it.. and switch back and forward.."
This was hard to do, because they are opposites of each other.. But it's doable with a lot of concentration.. The whole point behind this... These 2 feelings can exist beside each other. Just because one is being felt at that present time, doesn't mean the other feeling will never be felt again. You are capable of having both feelings.. one doesn't rule out the other.. It can be compared to being in a grumpy mood. This doesn't mean that you won't be laughing your head off at something random in hours to come.. Or if you are upset, doesn't mean that all your other emotions and feelings have been switched off.. It's just at that moment in time, these feelings are there and they are meant to be FELT.. That makes so much sense really.. So just let those feelings be FELT, it's for a reason, deal with it, and it'll pass again..

It's such a weird "place" where I'm at now.. It seems to be harder and more confusing than 3 or 4 weeks ago. It's slightly less scary.. but it is harder. 4 weeks ago, I was in a dark place.. Now slowly things are changing, I can think more clearly, I can focus a little better, my mood is lighter and I'm interested in little things that are happening around me. But it feels so wrong. I'm not allowed to be feeling like this. I can see the difference, I can feel it, but it's going against my "better judgment".

According to Diann, a friction is starting to happen: Leaving a "low and gloomy" state of mind (I'm not going to use the term depression..because I'm not sure if that's what I was) and seeing rays at the end of the tunnel..
The state of mind that I was in, was an easy one to give into, it ruled my days and now it's drifting away from me without me having any control over it at all.. I'm not forcing it away, I'm not forcing myself be feel better, I'm not forcing myself to act in a good mood.. It's just happening. It's like I'm treading on unfamiliar territory. Being "down" is less confusing for me, it's easier and it's safe because it has become something that has "normal".. (but obviously it's not "normal" and it's not me, because without me forcing it, I'm acting differently, the way I used to) It almost has become "you". The doom and gloom, when it takes over, it's like you forget the person you are, how you are from day to day, how you would react to certain daily things and what it's like for others to be around the "normal" you..

So now, even though I hate writing this, it's lifting and I'm taking an interest.. I now actually wanting to know how Sean's day went, I actually am interested in Eileen's' party last night.. 4 weeks ago, it just all happened around me and I didn't give a damn. What I thought had become my "normal" behaviour, obviously wasn't, not now that, without forcing it, hints of the old Niamh are starting to reappear. I don't want to focus on this "friction" between these two states of mind, because it will only wreck my head. It's happening, without me having any control over it. I'll have days when I'm still withdrawn, down and feeling bad and I'll have days of energy, life and humor.
My head will eventually clear, all by itself. I have to just let it take it's own course..
Lesson 1: "Live through it and Just let it be".

It's so confusing, the friction between the two. Why? More wise words were soon thrown my way:
When dealing with a problem, the brain will always go for the easy path, the one that it's always been taking.. The brain is lazy.. so that's just what it does. Whenever I've been dealing with the problems of guilt and doom and gloom in a negative way, then that's what the mind will do, that's the path it will choose. It's easier that way..
However these paths can be changed. I can train myself to see these guilty, bad, sh*tty and gloomy feeling as something positive. The positive path, is to see that they are caused due to my banning Anna from my life. I shouldn't dwell on these guilty feelings.. (easier said than done). But I can see what Diann means. The guilty and sh*tty feelings (either physically or mentally) are because I'm fighting and that's positive.
In order change the path, I need to reprogram my brain. And that's the tricky part. Because it's lazy and it has "a mind of it's own".. Change is good, but a changing beliefs is hard. I'm trying at the moment, well I have been ever since I've started battling Anna.. If I manage to train my brain, constantly (or as often as I'm mentally able), to take the positive path.. then shouldn't I start to see the benefits of all this confusion, pain and frustration? I can only try..
Saying that, I can now see the link between letting the feelings and myself just "be",(as I mentioned earlier)and just living through them because they are there for a reason. The reason is for me to realize and see the positive side of it. When I feel bad, Anna is pissed off.. so I'm fighting, and I'm slowly making progress. It will keep me motivated and slowly I might start to appreciate the benefits instead of loathing them.. (well I should do anyway.. great theory.. but in practice is another thing..)
Lesson 2: See the positive connection when dealing with an issue.

It's the same as habits. Just like beliefs, habits are also imprinted in our brains, the mind has been working according to these habits for years and years.. and it's normal. But when these habits aren't "normal" anymore (that's always a tricky word to use, "normal".. because everyone has different description of what's normal, but that's another issue), when the habits start to rule your life, take over and make you ill.. then you're in trouble, and the habits need to be worked on.. or adjusted or even banned. A prime example of someone who has let certain habits lead to illness.. Me!
Ever since I started working on beating Anna's habits and readjusting my beliefs, other habits have taken over.. A few examples: The time. I obsess about the time, I count the hours I have been writing, I count the hours since I have eaten, I count the hours I have been watching tv, I count the minutes it takes me to drink my drink... Constantly fixated on the clock.. And it does my head in. But it's closely linked to Anna, because I used to connect the time to food...(16 hours in between dinner and breakfast.. 6 hours in between lunch and dinner.. etc..). So it's now not connected to food the way it used to be, but now it's just connected to my life in every other aspect..constantly. Another habit linked to Anna.. is making lists..For everything I make lists, I always have one in my pocket.. at one stage I had 5 lists with different stuff I needed to do.
I have started seeing it as obsessive behavior. I've been living like this for so long.. It's about having control on certain parts of my life.. Now that I'm getting rid of Anna, I need something else to take her place.. Well, that's what my mind is telling me.. because that's what it's used to doing..

Now, I have to work on it. I have to start re-programming my brain. I have let all this go. I have to stop putting myself under so much pressure. I have to slow down. There's is no need for it.. (especially not now, as I have hardly no responsibilities.. except nursing Fay). According to Diann, it's the best thing I will ever do, is learn to slow down and give up putting myself under the strain and stress for no reason at all.. because, at the end of the day, that's what lead me to be anorexic..
I got a little homework.. Take off my watch.. live without it! ..That's weird.. Diann even compared it to the weighing scales..it's just a number, it shouldn't rule your life, it's doesn't make you a happier person, and you can never even say if it's right or not, because on the other end of the world it's different again..so who's time is right..;)
And, I also have to make a list, at the end of the day, of what I have DONE, instead of making one in the morning of what I'm going TO DO. That's just taking a different perspective of the term "being productive". I also have write down what I'm grateful for, that day.
Lesson 3: Small steps to re-program my brain will lead me to where I'm going.

My head is getting clearer, I notice it, big time. Because I'm constantly running away with myself.. and my poor body can't keep up.. (My body cannot got outside the door without dreaming about being in bed.)Mentally I'm driving myself insane. How do I know? Because thinking about the feeling of doom and gloom starting to lift is making me worry about months down the line.. "What happens if, in a few months, when I'm getting stronger and stronger, I get then get depressed about the fact that there's a whole life out there and I'm not a part of it and that I'm missing out on things.. Won't I then be depressed all over again?".. Once the time comes, I can try use these "worries" to drive me. They should motivate me to get my life back and to get out there and be apart of the world again. I know this is true, but I'm somehow worried that I'll let it hold me back and that so much more issues will arise.. Actually, I'm really talking sh*t right now, just as I'm typing this, I know that if I can get out a "doom and gloom valley" that's caused by Anna, than I can definitely get over any bit of doom and gloom caused by other issues that will be so much less significant.. My god.. what am I worrying about?
Right, back on track, the whole thing that triggered the "worrying about months down the line", is that I'm scared of not knowing WHEN I'm able to take back my life.. I don't know if I will make the right decision.. How will I know when the time is right.. (because my weak point of "getting ahead of myself", could get me into trouble, or cause me end up back at square one..). Diann reckons I will know, I'll be able to trust my intuition.. trust my gut instinct.. Go with what feels right.. I used to be able to trust it, but at this moment I don't think I can. Hopefully it will come back, with time.. I just feel that after having pushed this illness on myself, thinking that I was doing myself good which spiraled out of control, I won't know if other decisions I make are the right ones (even though every decision is risky, we're never 100% certain what's right and wrong for us..). She asked me: " Have you trusted your intuition before and has it been right for you?". My answer: "Yes".
Lesson 4: Learn to trust my intuition again.

Down to the food..
Last week I had to eat some tofu throughout the day and a half a portion extra of carbohydrates. Well, the tofu didn't go too well.. I tried it 4 days, but it wasn't my "cup of tea". I have been finishing my plate at dinnertime, which is BIG step forward. Up to 2 weeks ago, I wasn't.. I would usually throw at least a few mouthfuls in the bin. But this week I have the scraping them(to the point where I would want to lick them..). So that in itself is good.
From today I have to have a glass of orange juice and some watermelon and a vegetarian sausage.. (don't really know what these sausages are, but it's instead of the tofu, so I get some extra protein). That's a lot of extras.. Especially seeing as though I never drink anything other than herbal tea or water.. It's like 2 extra portions of fruit.. A LOT!!! But I can only give it my best shot.. nothing more, nothing less..

What I took from this session, might not come as a shock..
I HAVE TO JUST LET MYSELF "BE". Not over-analyze. Not to pressure myself. Not to stress myself out. Not to worry. My brain is using far too much calories, according to Diann.. I should be using them to get my legs back into gear..that way my mind won't be running away with myself, but it will actually be my legs that will be able to do the running ;).
So a lot homework this week.. some theory, some practical and a lot of eating.. See how it all goes.. But for now.. brain rest..