Eastenders is NOT just a soap opera...

Eastenders set me thinking.. o yes, a soap opera does have its benefits.. It was Denise who said something, and gave me a little inspiration.

I find myself, so often, worrying about whether or not people realize what's going on with me.. close friends for example. I start worrying that everyone will think I'm cured once I've put on the kilo's. I don't know why and it drives me crazy because it just adds to pressure and stress. I should be focusing on myself, not on what other people think.. I've enough to deal with, without adding that to the list.

This illness is about me, I'm the person who's going through it. Not my friends and family. Yes, I'm getting enormous amounts of support. But it's happening to me. In a way it "belongs" to me (that sounds real bad, but I'm not too sure how else to put it), it's my thing and no matter how much I write and explain to people about it, nobody will ever fully understand. I have to accept this and not worry about it. Because would I really want everyone to understand exactly how it feels? I don't know.. some days I would and some days I probably wouldn't..

In some ways you might be able to compare it to grieving. Someone special to you leaves your life for some reason or another, a person you had a certain bond with. A unique bond. It's unique because nobody else on this planet could ever have the exact same bond as you have or once had with a certain person. Example.. Ma has 5 children, and not one of us can say that we have the exact same bond with ma..it's not possible because personalities are so different.. It doesn't mean to say that one bond is more special than the other.. it's just different, that's all.

When a person leaves your life, you grieve for your loss and for the bond that no longer exists. You live through the pain. This pain is yours.. It's personal and there is nobody who can fully be aware of the pain you are feeling.. because the loss you feel is unique, just like the bond you once had. This person had a certain place in your life, a certain place in your heart, be it big or small, and for that you grieve.
There is no magic wand, no cure for this pain. Time is what they say.. But there is no specific "dosage of time". The grieving can carry on for years, without the outside world even realizing that a person is still in so much pain. The first few weeks after somebody leaves your life, people "tiptoe" around you, and once you have a good day and you feel fine then everybody thinks.."This person is back to normal again".. So everybody forgets the huge change you're going through, the massive impact it has had on your life and the pain you still feel from day to day. Everyone assumes you are "better and cured"..

What am I trying to get at here? Well, nobody knows what goes on with people underneath it all. People sometimes seem to be care free.. walking around, laughing at jokes, socializing and just living life and seeming "fine". But 9 times out of 10, it's never how it seems. Everybody is dealing with issues, problems and pain in some way. It's personal, it belongs to them and nobody can fully understand. But that's okay. That doesn't make the pain more or less, it doesn't make it go away quicker or take longer to get over, it doesn't make it "not matter" and it doesn't mean the pain shouldn't be felt.. People deal with it in their own way, it's their own choice, it is afterall, THEIR pain, THEIR issues and THEIR life.

So why on earth am I worrying about people thinking I'm better when I'm not? It really doesn't matter one way or the other. Because it's me. These are my issues, and I'm the only one who can deal with them. It has happened to ME..nobody else. Nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what it's really like. And nobody ever will. People will try to relate, and that's fine.
But this period of my life will stay with me forever, and will in a way, always be "there". But it won't always rule my life, like it is now. It won't control my life. It won't always be like this. To get better and get my life back, I will need to make progress (and I am), and if people think I'm better, then so be it. It obviously means that I'm doing something right, even if I'm still feeling bad.

I should also be able to just live my life again, leaving this period of my life to settle, and deal with it whenever it needs to dealt with.
Just because I'm not well at the moment, doesn't mean that I am now categorized and put into a box for the rest of my life.

But right here, right now, I'm dealing with it and TRYING to leave the rest of the world to think whatever they like.. and I'm focusing on me..