The Low-down from Meadowvale

The past few days.. It's hard to explain what's going on, because I'm not too sure myself. I've been eating an enormous amount of food, that's one thing for sure.. I have eaten everything I'm supposed to be eating, and I cannot begin to tell you how full I'm feeling.. all the time (forgive me if I'm sounding like a broken record.. by repeating the same stuff over and over again.. but that's just the way it is..) It's not nice. But If I don't keep it up, I will never get through this difficult stage. It's weird when your stomach is so full and you feel hunger-pains AT THE SAME TIME.. it's so contradictory.. and head wrecking as well. That's what happened to me this morning. I felt so hungry and really needed my breakfast, but I was full so then the pains in the gut and stomach start. But I switch off to that, dive into my book, and keep spooning the yogurt into me.. all as if there's not a problem in the world..

I've been trying to figure out the best times to eat my different extras.. I made a mess of it yesterday and the day before.. After my first supplement I would wait and wait and wait until I felt like having a piece of fruit and the sausage.. Waiting for hunger-pains (it's always the big question if I'll be feeling them and when, so waiting for them is just asking for trouble).. of course, the hunger never came.. so by the time I had a piece of fruit, it was after 3 o clock.. but that was the time I was supposed to drink my supplement.. O god, I can't eat it all at once! So by the time I had finished my supplement it was nearly 5 o clock.. O no, I was falling behind. Before 6.30 I would have to have another piece of fruit and a glass of orange juice..and straight away my dinner (and I HAD to finish the plate).. So, to cut to the chase.. After dinner I had to have my piece of fruit, water melon juice and the supplement.. It might not sound like a lot to you, but it was to me, especially all the while feeling full..
The whole "eating after 8pm" is just something I hate and I feel guilty for doing so.. I know I have to try let that go, but it's just stuck in my head.. Maybe with time it will pass..
Anyhow, there are only so many hours in a day.. And there are only so many calories I can burn..

This is how Wednesday and Thursday planned out.. And today I really have to do it differently.. I'm going to try.
Maybe I'm doing it on purpose.. the waiting and waiting until I'm feeling hungry. So in the evening, if I'm tempted to eat something, then I know I'm allowed to eat and it's good.. and then the guilt will be less..
Maybe I'm afraid that if there ISN'T anything I still have to be eat after dinner, but I have the urge to eat and I resist this urge, that will be giving into Anna.. I will be resisting food which will make me feel good about myself again.. and I know that's not good.. that's not making progress.. I have to avoid the urge to resist food.. Don't I? I think I do.. That's a tricky one.. I'm not too sure if I'm seeing that correctly..
Huummmm.. I'm overanalyzing at the moment, but that's okay.. Now and then it has to be done.

Getting slightly side-tracked.. I'm going to try a different approach. I sat on the couch last night, thinking for hours on end, what's the best way to do this without feeling fat and full and still be eating regularly.. Well, the orange juice I'm going to have with my first piece of fruit. The sausage I'll pick at now and then, my second piece of fruit between my second supplement and dinner. Between dinner and my last supplement, the water melon juice. That might be a little lighter on my digestive system. Sounds pretty straight forward I reckon.. It's not rocket science after all..
The way I'm going on about this.. it might seem like such an exaggeration, but there is a lot more to all this than you would think..haha.

My mood has been better the last few days. I can feel it.. Really I can. I've been trying not to worry, trying not to "run away with myself", trying not to wear out my head. It was going okay for a few days, but this morning I could hear myself wrecking my head with absolutely everything.. about my future, about work, about finances, about what to do in the months to come.. You name it, it has gone through my mind this morning...
Then I tell myself to shut up, to slow down and try to do something that will keep my off all the analyzing.. It feels so strange trying to do this, because it's like autopilot.. Analyzing is what I do best, It's what I do the most. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthy if I'm not trying to find answers or figure out things.. It's unnatural not to do this..But I'm trying..

As I was saying...I'm in a better mood. I have also had little things that have been encouraging me this week. The cards I've been drawing everyday, have been so good this week. Maybe because my head is a little clearer, I can relate to them better. But anyhow, the one I drew yesterday was so great. It said: Today I will accept change. I'll be open to the process of change. I'll believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me where ever I need to go. It was so motivating.. Eating when feeling full and awful.. Change is necessary... change is necessary... I was so pleased with that one.
Todays' card is also a great one.. It said: I will work at loving myself unconditionally. I'll work on letting go of self-loathe and other unproductive behaviors. I want to hold myself in high self-esteem.
Well... there really isn't much more I need to add to that one.. Something I have to remind myself of throughout the day.. No more self loathing.. Such wise words..
So these have been helping me too a lot this week.

Other things that have helped me keep on top of things.. well, myself really.. It might sound strange, but I've been "driving" and "motivating" myself. I don't know how, and I don't know why.. But I know I've been helping myself (being selfish can work wonders and needs to be done on a regular basis..haha)..