FF, Pause or REW?

I had a dream the other night.

I was myself (thank god), and I was talking to my sister Orla. We were chatting, and all of sudden, I collapsed. You know the "falling feeling" you get, and sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're dreaming, it seems so real and then you wake up in shock.. Well I had that, but I wasn't falling, I was just fainting. I collapsed because everything was getting out of control.

In my dream, and probably in reality as well, I was making too much progress. So much so that my mind and body couldn't take it. I was putting too much strain and pressure on myself, mentally, that I psychically wasn't able to deal with it. I think that says a lot about how the past couple of weeks have been going..

I feel like I'm an express train, and I'm not able to keep up. Or I feel like a video that's being played and just going on and on..

It's me doing all the work, it's myself pushing me, and pressurizing myself to a certain extent, without me feeling like I'm over exhilarating myself. However at the same time everything is going so fast, that I feel I might not be able to keep up the pace. I feel that it all might get out of control and all go wrong.

I'm just "being" as much as I possibly can. I'm trying not to push, but it's just all happening.. I'm going through all of this, all the motions, all the different stages and it just keeps on going. How does this happen? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" it would all stop? Wouldn't you think that by just "being" I would be pushing the "pause" button.. Or I would be taking a "Time-out"?

But there's no "pause", there's no "time-out"..none of that. If I was able to take a time-out, I would. If I could pause, I would. But by doing this, I would be standing still, or maybe even going backwards instead of forwards. In a "time-out" I would probably choose to eat less or loose a kilo or 2.. By pressing "pause" I would want everything to stay just as it is, right now. But, thinking twice about that, I don't want things to stay just as they are. I hate the place I'm at right now. So having a "time-out" and going backwards or pressing the "pause" button and standing still aren't options for me right now.

If I restrict myself in terms of food and stop the process of grieving and breaking free, the recovery will slow down.. it will be in "slow-motion".. And I'll only be putting off the inevitable. The work will have to be done sooner or later. There's no going back, no matter how much I want it. There's no pausing because then I wouldn't be living.. So I'm letting it take it's course, the road that I'm taking without me forcing it all, even if it does feel like it's going too fast.

Isn't it the best thing for me to just keep up the pace, if I'm able? It might feel like it's all being dealt with in "fast-forward" mode.. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. It has to be done, at whatever speed and pace I can take. And if it's all going fast and I'm coping and fighting it strongly each day, then it's good..
I know that I'll feel it if the pace gets too much for me. Because I'm listening to my body and am so aware of what it's going through..

All this is happening to me and it feels like it's beyond my control. This must mean it's coming natural. This also must mean that, without me realizing it, I'm using my willpower in a positive way..

The process will keep on going and going at whatever speed my body and mind can take. I'll have to trust myself that I'm doing this all the right way. I have to tell myself that it's good for me, no matter how bad I feel. I'm regaining control over my life and my health. It's all in my own hands. This is what I should be doing and what I need to do.

This isn't bad, this is good.. I have to keep on going and my "gut-feeling" is choosing the speed..