Toast, Toast, Toast..

My food-plan for this week..
Last week I didn't have anything extra added on to my "menu". This week we are back on track..and it's a slice of toast..

I knew it was coming, sooner or later it would happen.
Each week Diann asks me now, what I would like to add.. But I can never give an answer. It's like admitting defeat. Admitting that I want food and that I'm in the mood for something. So it's hard for me to make a suggestion. Even though I do think about it during the week..what would I like to eat during the day? But it's a hard thing to do. I was thinking about bread and toast during the week. I would always love bread. Especially brown soda bread. Absolute heaven, toasted with a scraping of butter.. hummmm. In Tesco my favorite aisle, is the bread section.. I literally walk down the aisle, drooling at the sight of all the different breads..

When I was in Australia, I stopped eating it, because it seemed so unhealthy. So fattening..and it would make me feel disgusting after eating it. Only when I felt like treating myself, I would have a slice of toast with some butter. That was a rare occasion though. When I started working in Holland, I started to have 2 slices for lunch. It was always brown bread, but it was tasteless..and I never really enjoyed it. Nothing beats Irish bread for some reason..

Once I stopped working, I stopped eating bread and toast on a daily basis. Whenever I ate it, it would be as my dinner. But that was allowed, because I wouldn't eat anything else the whole day, other than my breakfast. It's so strange, just because I loved it so much, I got it into my head that it's bad for me and I therefore shouldn't eat it..

For some reason, I don't want to be someone who eats bread everyday. I don't know why.. To me, eating toast is telling me I'm weak. And I hate it and this week, Diann suggested I have a piece of toast, after breakfast in the morning.. Oh no, but as I already pointed out, I knew it was coming..it was inevitable.. So I said I would..

The thing about it is, I enjoy it too much that it feels so wrong. Nearly everything I'm eating I enjoy, and it's so bad. So having a piece of toast AS WELL.. is adding to the bad feeling..
It's like all this food I'm suddenly allowed and supposed to be eating, is giving me so much "pleasure" that it's just wrong..It's doing me too much good that it should be forbidden. I suppose you could compare to eating a bar of chocolate.. You love it so much and it's a treat..once you start eating it, you can't stop and once you've stopped you feel bad and guilty because it isn't good for you. I reckon that's how I feel with all foods at the moment. I hope that one day I can feel good about all the good food that I'm eating and that I'll be able to say it out loud.. YES THIS FOOD IS DELICIOUS... But not just yet.

My daily menu:
-Yogurt with muesli, nuts, prunes
-Orange juice
-Slice of toast
-Supplement
-Potato
-Tofu sausage
-Supplement
-Muesli bar
-Dinner
-Piece of fruit
-Juice
-Supplement

I reckon at the moment, I'm having 2400 calories a day.. That's so much and I can't help myself for counting the amount and worrying. But I need it, no matter how much food it is. I reckon I'll always be counting calories. It's like a second nature. A bad habit.

I've been really good and I'm eating everything..I've been sticking to it all. No matter how full I've been feeling. I'm eating every hour nearly. It's always seems time to eat. Feeding myself non-stop.

Sometimes when I go for 2 hours without food, I can get so hungry that I feel ill..or sick or like vomiting or I get the shakes and feel faint. It's so strange. But whenever I forget a piece of fruit or skip something (it doesn't happen that often and when it does, it's because I didn't have time, not because I was restricting myself), then it's so easy for me to skip the next thing on the menu. It's like that giving into Anna, "feeds" the urge to resist, it gives Anna strength and is therefore harder to start eating again. I noticed this on Monday. It was a "busy" day, and I wasn't at home for the times I was supposed to eat and I wasn't able to eat my whole daily intake in the space of 2 or 3 hours.. so I skipped quite a bit. But it wasn't intentionally..In the evening, I felt it though.. I had given Anna strength and had, by accident, shown her that I can still go without food and that it makes me feel good and in control and I liked the feeling. It was then harder for me to have the fruit and supplement that I was supposed to have that evening.. But I did, I got back on track again and ignored Anna.

All it takes is a few hours, and she can slip right back in. Without it being my intention. And it's hard. But it just proves to me, that I shouldn't get ahead of myself.. Eating can still be so difficult.

Another difficult thing is that I can enjoy my food, but nobody is allowed to know. I can't say it and if anybody asks I want to tell them that it's disgusting..even though I wouldn't think so. I still feel conscious when I eat as well. I feel like everyone is observing me. I hate it so much. I would love to be able to shut myself off for every meal. (Even though the only meal I eat with people around me, is dinner, but still it's awful..)
I hate people expecting me to be happy with food they have gotten for me.. Because it doesn't make me happy, it suffocates me. And even if the sight of food DID make me happy, I wouldn't say it. Nobody would know.
But as long as Fay knows and she can hear me and I can hear her, that's all that matters at the moment I suppose..

You know the song from Oliver Twist.. "Food, glorious Food".. I hope to sing it sometime and mean it..