Guilt, guilt and...shame? Session 10

It's Tuesday afternoon. Yesterdays' session with Diann seemed to take a total different course. I had lots of questions. Lots of things I wanted to discuss. But somehow these issues never even came up.

We started off, discussing my week, as we always do. I lived through the emotions, once again. I ranted and raved about how I dealt with the ups and downs, what worked for me and what I learned from last weeks session.
I was telling her about the extremely bad day I had on Thursday after the acupuncture on Wednesday, how I dealt with it and the lesson I learned. Thursday I felt so sick, ill and emotionally drained. She said I did exactly what I needed to do, to get through it as quickly and "painless" as possible. What did I do? I forced myself not to analyze and worry about why I was feeling so bad and why I couldn't stop crying and why I was hating the world. I just let the feelings "be". I lived through it and stayed in bed most of the day. Usually I would have been beating myself up the whole day, trying to resist feeling depressed and ill, trying to figure out why I was feeling so low, which would have only made the process longer and more painful. But it only lasted for a day and it was all triggered by the acupuncture. It released so much energy, it released so many emotions. They came out of nowhere like a smack in the mouth. So unexpected but with so much force at the same time. I got through it and the days after that were a lot less "challenging", which is a good thing.

Friday and Saturday I was fighting with the guilt feelings. The other days, I was too "out of whack" to know if I was feeling guilty. But Anna was right there, from Friday morning, giving out to me. Anything I did, it was bad. If I went to bed.. I was feeling guilty. If I was resting, I was feeling guilty. If I was eating, I was feeling guilty. If I was in a good mood, I was feeling guilty. Constantly she was there, telling me I'm not ill, telling me there's nothing wrong, telling me I'm lazy and forcing me to start living my life again. She was pushing and wanting me to feel awful all the time.

A prime example of Anna trying to rule my afternoon: It was Saturday, I wanted to sit out in the back garden. It was sunny and I knew that it was good for me to get some much needed fresh air. I really wanted to sit out and listen to my i-pod, and just zone out.. and relax. I knew that this would re-energize me, especially sitting in the sun. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself do exactly what I wanted to do. I was so angry with myself. I was beating myself up because I wouldn't let myself listen to the music. I was beating myself up because I was sitting outside. Either way, it wouldn't have mattered what I would have done, I was beating myself up. I knew I needed to listen to Fay, and do whatever made me feel happy. I would be feeding my soul and every little contribution to my recovery is beneficial. But I wouldn't let myself. I was so frustrated and angry. So I sat in the sun and read my shitty book instead. That way, I wasn't totally doing what I felt was "fun" (listening to Anna), but sitting outside and getting fresh air (listening to Fay). I would have preferred to sit out in the back garden in the rain. That probably would have made me feel "better".. and I would have gotten the flu at the same time, which would also have been great.
Then when Mam came home I felt even worse because she was delighted that I was sitting outside.. She didn't say it, but I knew what she was thinking. What kind of an awful person am I, that I don't even want my mam to be pleased and happy that I'm getting better.. I'm an awful awful person. I love her to bits, and I don't want her to be happy? But of course I want her to be happy. But doing what makes her happy, makes me feel bad because I'm then being good to myself... If I make myself feel good(listening to Anna), that would make her unhappy. So I should probably make myself feel bad (listening to Fay, which causes the bad guilty feelings) which makes the people I love feel happy, because I'm then being good to myself. Okay, that makes sense. I shouldn't be selfish and think of others for a change..
Conclusion: whenever I'm not motivated, whenever I want to step out of line, whenever I'm not doing the things to get better, I should tell myself: "If I'm not doing it for myself, do it for the people I love".

Why couldn't I just have done exactly what I wanted to do? Why is that? Everybody else does whatever makes them happy, but I wouldn't let myself. I felt soooo bad doing this. Sitting there, I felt so awful.. Doing the right thing can feel so bad. And it's so frustrating. It makes me sad at the same time. The fact that I don't feel I deserve to do things that make me happy. I started to wonder, how on earth am I ever going to enjoy life again, if I'm always feeling guilty whenever I do something good for myself? Will this haunt me forever? The voice of Anna, telling me that I'm not allowed to feel feelings that everyone else feels..It's okay for them to feel it, but not for me? Why?
But that's why I'm adjusting and creating new habits. New ways of thinking. Pathways are being carved. I will eventually be able to sit out in the back garden in the sun, listen to my music, and feel happy about it, without the guilt.

2 weeks ago, had been such a great week, that I probably set myself up for a bad week. I probably thought.. "Right, time-out, enough of all this "feeling good", now it's time to feel bad"..
I told Diann about the enormous feelings of guilt. Where do they come from? Why are they there?
This gets pretty deep.. (just a warning)..

Guilt is supposedly a reaction to shame. Not the shame of being anorexic, but shame the is created as a young child, and that is carried with you through life. Children pick up on everything that happens in the home. Good vibes, bad vibes. Everything. They are not able to think about things, the way adults do (obviously), they can't answer their own questions rationally. So they have their own answers to the problems. They find the answers and these make it easier for the child to deal with the situation that's uncomfortable. So for instance if parents split up, children try to do things and act in certain ways, just make things better. They feel they should maybe work harder, look after mammy, clean up more often, do better at school, things like that. They blame themselves for the problems that exist and try to fix them in a certain way but when children realize that they haven't helped the situation or made it better it causes a feeling of shame. This shame, if the events happen at an impressionable age, is "imprinted" and will be carried on through life. It depends on the personality as to how this shame is dealt with and how it comes to surface when a child becomes an adult.
Your personality forces and drives you to keep on dealing with a certain feeling in a certain way.

The way Diann explained the feelings of shame and guilt, made me realize a lot. I thought it was a little complicated at first, but after letting it sink in, I now understand that feeling guilty for sitting out in the back garden in the sun, is so much more. Guilt is the action of shame.

Diann seems to know me so well. She could tell me what character traits I have.. What kind of a personality have I got? I'm a perfectionist, active, always wanting to be the best, sensitive, independent, strong (she actually didn't mention "strong", but I just want to add it in there myself..haha). Having a certain personality obviously leads to certain behaviour. A person deals with things differently.
Just an example of what I just explained. During the week, after acupuncture, I started remembering little things that I once said as I child.. (everyone had those I reckon. certain situations, when someone said something or you said something which you've never forgotten..for some reason or another). Well I was 10, living in Holland, I was out playing with, my then best friend, Leonie and we were talking about going to secondary school. In Holland there are different levels you study at, and that's determined by how "smart" you are. I said to Leonie "I want to go to the Havo (that was one of higher levels), so my mammy will be proud of me". I will never forget that day, I can even remember where we were..It's so strange that it stuck with me for so long, and even stranger that I started thinking about it the past week (again, the acupuncture probably "opened up" some stuff that obviously have some connection with this whole "situation"). But that just goes to show that I always have felt the need to prove myself and that I wanted people to be proud of me. Mam, by the way, has never ever put any kind of pressure on me, to be the best or do more.. Never. I put it all on myself. (oh, I never made it to Havo in the end..hhaha, that's besides the point).

Just by coincidence I found myself , the past few weeks, wondering, "How important is it to find the answer as why this has happened to me, why have I got anorexia?". The importance of knowing the reason, isn't really an issue. Just knowing that I'm ill, knowing what I have to do to get better, not resisting the treatment and staying strong, that's what's most important. But if things come to light, without me forcing them, then it's good. There never is 100% certainty as to why this has happened. But knowing things from the past, can give me clarity as to why life has taken this route. It can make me understand things. It can offer me peace of mind (even though it's a lot to take in, at this moment in time..).

So, am I expressing a feeling of shame? Guilt is fueled by shame. So we can only assume I am. It would explain so much. It can explain my reason for doing things the way I have done...constantly going going going and never taking a "time-out", never stopping. Yes, my personality might be active, but this can be used in the "wrong" or "right" way. I haven't always been doing it the right way I'm afraid. I may have been too active..to the point of not feeling worthy if I'm not being active. The feeling of shame can explain why I always feel the need to prove myself. (I don't know who I'm supposed to proving what to.. But still wanting to prove myself.)It can explain the feeling i have that people will love me less if I don't meet the expectations I have of myself. But nobody else expects anything of me! I'm the only one who seems to expect certain things of myself. Nobody will love me less if I do less or achieve less. Will they? No they won't. But this is what I have lead myself to believe.
They are my "beliefs"--> "Beliefs" are the assumptions we make about ourselves, about others in the world and about how we expect things to be. Beliefs are about how we think things really are, what we think is really true. I have been acting according to these. It's my mind that has gotten into this habit.

"Beliefs" are not to be confused with "values"--> Values are about how we have learned things ought to be or people ought to behave, what we feel is important in life, things we treasure in people and in life. They are views that act as guidance through life.

What are my values Diann asked.. My values are making the most out of everyday, living life to the full, experiencing and embracing all life and the world has to offer. This is what really matters. I have to focus on these values, and not let myself be driven by my belief that I'm only a worthy person when I'm depriving myself of food, starving myself, punishing myself and making myself feel unhappy. I need to treasure my values. I can only be true to these, once I let go of the belief that I'm "unworthy whenever I'm not proving myself"..

This period in my life I have to see an investment. I'm investing in my future. I'm investing in myself. The things in life I treasure the most, I can ONLY experience, if I work through this situation. If I learn to focus and treasure my values, then I will need to let go of my beliefs. I need to learn, I need to adapt my way of thinking. If not, then my values are meaningless. Because loving life and embracing all it has to offer, can only be done if I'm healthy and eating properly... If I don't eat properly, then i don't experience.. "Saying yes to food is saying yes to life". And to me, life is all about "living", and not just "being". I just have to remind myself that, in order to "live" again, for now I have to just "be".
I can literally see lightbulbls flickering on in my head..What a revelation.. It all sounds so easy and straight forward. I didn't even realize what Diann was meaning by this yesterday, until I wrote it this second.. How clear it has all become..

This was only a fraction of what came up during this session. By working and writing through it all, just now, I can relate to it. It has opened up some "pathways" for me. An answer is not what I'm looking for. That's not what Diann aims for either, but if things DO come to light, without forcing them, and I'm able to deal with it, then that's what we'll do. I just didn't expect it, when we went to see her yesterday. I don't know what else could come. But, for now, it's enough to deal with, and I'm not going to stress and push and force things. When I'm good and ready things will start to come up and if I'm able to deal with them, they will come without force.

I'd just like to add, that none of this is about placing the blame, pointing the finger, trying to undo the past or resenting and regretting how things were dealt with. I wouldn't dream of changing my past for a million years.. Nothing what so ever, and I couldn't be more proud of my mam and how she brought up her 5 kids. She made things happen for us all and taught us precious lessons in life. Nobody could have done a better job..