After every high, comes a low

During the session with Diann yesterday, I learned some other things about myself, that I never realized were an issue or how it could be related to my current "state of being".

Mam was saying that, throughout the past years, if I look at how I've been living my life so far, not only the "going going going" is what I've become known for, but also "After every high, comes a low". Everybody I know, knows that I've always been going and never stopping. But only my close family will recognize the other side.. It's never been said to me before but I've always known it.

"After every high, comes a low".. Whenever I've been doing exactly what I wanted, I'd be "flying high". I would be on top of the world, literally. For example, when I went to London 4 years ago, I was ecstatic. I loved my life. I couldn't get enough of everything and anything that this amazing city had to offer and I didn't want it to end. But it ended, of course. I knew this, because it was only a 3 month internship. I came back to Holland, and I was low.. I was down, didn't want to be in Holland, I wanted to travel, I needed to go go go again. I needed to seek the thrill. I needed something major to happen.. and it did. After 3 months of moping around looking for a job, I went to Austria, for 4 months. A massive high, it was unbelievable. Life couldn't get any better for me. I went straight from there to Greece. I still needed to seek the thrill.. I needed to keep on going. And I did. The first week in Greece, I did have a minor break down, and I probably now realize why.. Too much adrenaline, too much "highs" for my system to deal with, knowing something isn't quite right with me, but still keeping up the barrier, keeping up the front that I'm on top of the world and living life to the full..
After Greece, straight back down again, another low.. Then Australia.. so high I can't even describe it..

I can see the pattern.. What a rollercoaster. A hectic life. But a person can only go through these extreme highs and lows for a certain amount of time, until it crashes.. Something eventually needs to be done, to realize that life can't be lived like this.

This rollercoaster, all brought on by the feeling of having to go go go and proving that the only way to live a full a life is to travel. But that's just nonsense..even though I led myself to believe this. So this is how I choose to live. This is what was I was known for, so therefore it's what I needed to do..

Mam was the one who pointed this out. I knew exactly what she was talking about when she said it. There's another example I could give.. At the end of every year, when watching the fireworks after the clock has struck midnight, everybody would usually think back of the year gone by and look forward to the year to come.. That's normal right? New beginnings and all that. But whenever I would do this.. I would usually analyze if the past year has been either good or bad. If it was a good year, I would say to myself.. "right, this new year is going to be bad but that's okay, because I've just had such a great one". That's usually the way my year would end and the new one would start. I'd be setting myself up for the highs or the lows, without realizing. Which is just putting pressure on myself and it's totally "off the wall" well.. (and know you what, the past 2 or 3 months I was thinking about new years eve of 2008/2009 and I was already was setting myself up for a great 2009, because this one has been so bad..).

Diann said, that has a lot to do with the whole "time" issue. I need to let it go. I'll be relieving myself by doing so. But I'm still not wearing a watch and trying to adapt my ways and bad habits slowly. I'm trying to create new pathways. And I know I need to find the balance in my life. I always thought that the only way I would feel I could recover from the lows, was to experience another massive high.. But this isn't the case. I know what needs to be done.. "Create new pathways, learn new habits, adjust my beliefs and treasure my values" ..