My Comfort Zone

Whenever I'm feeling fat.. What do I do? Usually I would stop eating.
But not anymore. I have to be strong. And eat.

Sometimes I deal with this with no worries. Others days not so well. On days that I feel like a balloon or pregnant, I have to switch off. I don't want to look at myself, I don't want people around me, I don't want to see food, I don't want to prepare food. Then I'm just pleased if I make it through the day and eat everything I should. Nothing else matters whenever I'm feeling fat.

When I feel that way, I would just want to stay in bed all day, with my book, not think about my belly, not focus on anything to do with food.. Just close myself off.. Away from the kitchen, away from people. Away from the feeling of panic, away from the reality of it all. That is glorious. But I never do that, I never stay in bed all day.. maybe I should.. Escaping reality, just to make it through. The further down the line I get, the more it might happen, the more this feeling of being fat and disgusting will arise.. As long as I keep on eating, I will get through that stage of this, just like have gotten through the other stages so far. As long as I know how to deal with it, as long as I know what works for me, then I'll keep on eating..

I know that if I wasn't able to switch off Anna, if I was to give in, if I were NOT to follow the brilliant advice Mark gave me "fake it till I make it", then I could so easily slip back into my old pattern. I could still so easily go for as long as I want without eating. This tells me, I'm not over this by a long shot. Knowing this, also makes me keep my feet on the ground.. It keeps me aware of the fact that I'm still not recovered.. I still have miles to go. Because I know I wouldn't be able to go for a week by myself and eat everything I should be eating. I would give in to old habits quite easily. Here at home, nobody has to feed me, I control it myself. But with people around and therefore it's different. It's like it makes me feel safe. Right here, right now, I have my stability, I have my eating pattern, my supplements and my bed. I have my support. Even though I don't speak much.. or communicate a lot (only through Internet really), everyone is still there and that counts for soooo much. This is my comfort-zone and wouldn't want to or be able to be anywhere else right now.

Knowing that I'm still not half way there and that she would be able take total control again, holds me back and slows me down, in a good way. I need to do this, in order to fully recover. I am trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one meal at a time.. Not forcing, not pushing, not stressing.. TRYING to do this. It's not my second nature, so I'm re-adjusting. Patience, time, strength and food..that's the aim of the game for the time being.