Learning to eat again

Learning it eat again.
I knew that's what I had to do. I know that's what I am doing. Still it seems odd.
Behaviour and reactions that are linked to this, have cropped up, with me not even realizing that my body, when it comes to food that is, can be compared to that of a baby. A baby is born, and the first months, all the baby needs to do is eat and sleep, and build up an appetite.. adapting to foods, starting on liquids then slowly onto solids.. building up an immune system, providing the body with sufficient nutrition that there's room for compensation, taking in the food and teaching the body to recognize hunger.. The stomach and the brain are building a relationship.

According to Diann, I'm in the process of teaching my body to become aware of food, when and what it needs and how much. The basics of eating.. Such a simple thing, that everyone takes for granted..
Sorry Mam, after you going through all that hard work, when I was a baby, making me "big" and strong, and I've undone all that effort and good work.. oops.. ;)

By reactions and behaviour I meant the urge I have or regularly get, to constantly eat. Anytime I eat, I want more and more. But I'm strong, so I ignore this urge. Sometimes I think I should act on it, but I know that it's not good. Because my body can't digest huge amounts in one go. If I were to do this, I wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, and that's not the effect I'm aiming for at the moment.
I'm always so afraid as well, that when I start eating something I really like, I won't be able to stop. Another thing is that, whenever I have my supplement drink, I want another one.. even though I'm full and I'd make myself ill.. I still want more. I would constantly want to stuff my face with everything, thinking that will make me better as quickly as possible. But it won't.

This urge to constantly want more food and knowing that I won't be able to stop once I start eating something I love, is because my body doesn't know when to be hungry. After being in starvation mode for so long, it's forgotten what signals to send between my stomach and brain. It doesn't know when I'm full and doesn't know if and when my next meal will be coming and what portion size it will be, so it just thinks that it has to keep me eating.. and that's the urge I feel so often.. Even when I'm like a stuffed chicken..

I honestly thought, that by now, it would have settled. But it hasn't. It will take some more weeks/months before the urge will become less and less. I am already starting to recognize hunger-pains now.. last week I had 2 incidents when I was so hungry that I got the shakes and felt weak.. I hadn't felt that feeling of hunger in more than a year..if not longer.. because I'd learned to ignore it. It was so strange to feel that way.. everybody knows the feeling.. having to have food RIGHT NOW or else fainting.. to me that was a true sign, that my body is learning..even though it's a slow process.

The best way to handle to whole process of teaching my body normal eating patterns again, is to have small amounts, regularly.. All dietitians advise anybody wanting to loose weight or eat healthily, to have 6 small meals a day.
So, that's how I'm learning again. That's how it's been approached.
From this week, I have a lot of food to eat. My daily menu is now as followed:
-Yogurt (120ml) with 2 tablespoons of muesli and nuts
-Supplement drink number 1 (these are still the same, like a milky drink with either vanilla or strawberry.. or if I'm really lucky.. Chocolate..huummmm (the cures any craving I would ever have, to wanna eat chocolate, it's been the beginning of June since I've had those )
-piece of fruit
-vegetarian sausage
-glass of orange juice
-supplement drink number 2
-piece of fruit or muesli bar
-dinner (always has to have meat/chicken/fish and a proper portion of carbohydrates)
-glass of watermelon juice
-supplement drink number 3

Isn't that a lot of food? The juices have only been added this week. That's kind of a big step. To me, it's like adding 2 extra eating times to the menu.. even though it's only liquid. I mean, everyone has a drink of juice whenever they're thirsty or with meals.. But I had stopped taking juices ages ago.. (if I was to have anything in that format, it would be a light version, with no more than 10 calories per 100ml..). I never saw the need for juice. I drank lots and lots of herbal tea and water. I always said to myself: why would I put in extra calories by drinking juice just to get keep myself hydrated, if I can have water that contains nothing..
I started yesterday and I only have a small glass though. For now anyhow. See how it goes.

So, a lot of eating.. It's all healthy and good and nutritious, I know.. But it still seems like an enormous amount.
I'm trying not to worry about it, and trying to forget the feeling of being full all the time. I'm trying to ignore the urge to want to stuff my face all day long and trying not to worry about not being able to stop eating.. It's like Diann said.."Is there anybody in the world that could literally not stop themselves from eating.." Well, of course not, because it's physically not possible.. a person will eventually stop..even if it was only to vomit..

The pains in my stomach are becoming less. The stings and stretching feelings in my stomach aren't as frequent. The bloating has just become something constant. My stomach is just a balloon, all the time.

Wouldn't you think, all the eating I'm doing that I would be back to my normal weight by now..? Well, I'm not too sure, actually, I know I'm not. I haven't been weighed for 3 weeks now.. But I think I have put on around 2 kilos.. in my face.. O yeah, that's me all over isn't.. Any weight I have ever put on, it has always been in my face (those of you who remember me coming back from working in the Alps.. with an enormous head and a nose twice the size..after gaining 4 kilos in the space of 4 months..doens't seem a lot, but when it's mainly in your face, then it's a massive amount..haha)..so now it's no different.. Any weight I'm putting on, is going onto my head..Well, it has to start somewhere I suppose..

I'd better be off now, my vegetarian sausage awaits.. (if you've never tried them, give them a shot.. real tasty!)