Niamh can also be rational

I'm just back from my weekly acupuncture session.
It was all very brief this week. He wanted to know how last week had gone. I filled him in telling him that I struggled more with the amount of food. He looked at me as if I had been very bold.. Like he was going to put me in the corner (remember the way teachers used to do that in school, you would have to stand facing the corner, think about how bad your bahaviour was and feel ashamed for what you did). I didn't only get that look once, but twice.. oh yes.. I got the look again when I told him that I hadn't been taking the right amount of Chinese medicine that I've been taking for weeks (to strengthen my spleen and increase my appetite)..oops.. I'm very bold indeed. Oh well..I'm sure he'll get over it.

I sat there and I all of a sudden felt like I hadn't made any progress at all.. I felt as though I hadn't been trying and I felt like I hadn't worked hard enough at getting better. Well that's what it sounded like, as I was confessing.. All because I missed a few pieces of fruit and juices last week and because I wasn't feeling happy about eating and I wasn't sticking to his medicine.. That's not a crime surely? And I was eating last week.. I finished every dinner that was put in front of me.. I was constantly eating.. Apart from Sunday when I had a really bad day, but other than that, I was doing it all as I should be, wasn't I?

After yesterday being told "Niamh, you're having too much rest" by the doctor, and today being told by Ralph that "if you don't take the medicine Niamh, it's not going to work is it?".. I feel like I've let everybody down, and that I'm not doing enough. What a load of bull..(excuse my French...).

I'm sick of everybody pushing and pulling me all these different directions. I'm trying my best here, and if it's not good enough, well tough! I can't do more than I'm already doing..okay I should stick to Ralphs' Chinese medicine..I know.. But other than that, there's only so much emotions a person can deal with in the space of a week. And there's only so much food my body can digest..

Everyday this week, I've been getting different signals from different people.. Monday..Diann: "Niamh, the amount of work you're doing is immense and you're working so unbelievably hard, you're an inspiration". Tuesday..the doctor Siobhan: "Niamh, that's too much bedrest, you need to get out the house". Today..Ralph: "You really need to keep up the eating and the medicine..or else it won't work..".. Bla bla bla..
Siobhan was pleased that I had put on weight. I told Ralph my weight today and I could tell that he wasn't that pleased..it wasn't enough and I need to keep on putting it on... GIVE ME A CHANCE!!

It wrecks with my head, and I don't know what to think anymore... Well, that's my first reaction. But then of course, once it all settles, I know full well what to think and who to listen to and who to ignore. I know what I need to do, and I can rationalize it all, even though I'm giving out stink about them all (I'm such an awful person to talk about everyone so badly, when all they want is for me to keep on fighting Anna).

I know that Diann is the one I have to listen to. I know what Siobhan meant by saying that I have to get out of the house more (even though, the thing it triggered first of all..was the "active Niamh" and the "never being lazy Niamh"), she feels that it will keep me sane, just getting out, even if it's only going down to the shops for an hour. I know what she means. I know what Ralph means as well, about the medicine.. It will stimulate my appetite, which will help me to be psychically able to eat my daily menu which will keep training my digestive system, which will increase my appetite even more which means more "extra's" on my food-plan will be manageable.. which will keep me feeding myself, and my weight will keep on going up and up as will my energy as will my strength.. Doesn't it make so much sense and doesn't it sound like a process that could be rebuilt within a few days? Well, I've been working on the process now for weeks and weeks. And, as they say: Rome wasn't built in a day... The same goes for my my new body and new found strength and energy. I can't get ahead of myself, I'm can't force it and I can't click my fingers..I wish I could. Actually, no I don't. I wouldn't want to click my fingers..This is my road-trip after all, and road-trips are always more fun than what I'll experience once I get to my destination..well that's what they're known for anyway..
Once I get to my destination, I'll be sure to let you know if that's true or not..