GENERAL Practitioner

It was time to go to the doctor. Just a check-up.. Ma and Diann felt that I needed to go. But if it were up to me, I wouldn't have gone near the place.

I've been having dizzy spells and the shakes the past few days. So yesterday we went, I got my bloods done. That was all fine, no problems. I knew there was nothing to worry about anyhow.. And my blood-pressure and stuff was all okay too.

I hadn't seen the doctor, Siobhan, since the 7th of August. Which is over 6 weeks. A lot has happened since then. So of course she would see straight away if I was doing better or worse. She said I was looking better than the last time, still a little pale, but she could see progress. I didn't want to hear this, it was awful. She made me stand on the weighing scales too. I didn't want to. It was around 6 weeks since the last time I stood on one. I was slightly freaked out. But I stood on it, and of course I've put on weight. Not as much as I expected. But it was still awful. It made me feel like so bad. And all Mam and Siobhan were doing was saying how great I am and how pleased they are and how well I'm doing..bla bla bla.. I was so angry, really I was. With them both. It's probably the first time I was actually angry at other people and not at myself. It totally pissed me off, I cannot describe it. All of a sudden they are the experts..?? They were sitting there, talking as if they know I feel, but they don't. They can't and they never will. Saying "she's doing all the right things".. and "you've come so far mentally..".. bla bla bla.. "and Diann is so great.." bla bla bla.. Excuse me.. isn't it ME that's doing the work here? Not Diann? Suddenly Diann's taking all the credit for me getting better? Well, that's just so not the case I'm afraid.. I could easily resist the treatment, I could ignore everything and everyone, and not get better, really I could. If that were the case, what would everybody be saying about Diann then? That she's not that great? If I were to resist treatment it wouldn't matter what Diann says or does.. People seem to forget that I'm doing all the work here. And it's bloody hard and I'm totally sick of it.. I've had it so much, and I'm tired and I feel like so sh*t.

Then Siobhan turns around and tells me that I'm resting too much. What? Excuse me.. the whole point of trying to get my strength back and to fight Anna is to get out my old habits of constantly being active and busy and doing things all day long. How could she say that to me? That just totally triggered off my whole bad way of thinking.. "I'm being lazy, I have to do things and keep busy".. There me was me, thinking I was doing so well, and she goes and tells me that I'm resting too much. It took me weeks to get myself to slow down, to let myself regain energy and strength. I'm supposed to be learning to listen to my body and feel whenever things get too much for me, both psychically and mentally. Just one comment like that, throws me off guard.. Who does she think she is?

The name GENERAL PRACTITIONER comes into mind.. GENERAL.. not specialized in dealing with people who have eating disorders.. But I really couldn't believe it. It has totally wrecked my head.. Who am I supposed to listen to now? All these people, telling me so many different things.. It's not right to throw me like that, and to mess with my head. And it makes angry all over again, because I didn't even need to see because there was nothing wrong.. God, I hate this so much.

Last night I was even tempted to ring Diann.. I couldn't go for the next 5 days, carrying this around with me.. and feeling the need to now push myself, even when I know I'm not able for it.. I needed to talk to her, just for her to say.. "Niamh, if you need bed-rest.. have it.." But of course I didn't.. I just cried and cried and shut myself off, and yes Siobhan, I went to bed.. And you know what, I don't care, I'm not listening to her..

I was so angry with everyone. Is everybody happy now, that going to see Siobhan has now ruined my week, that started off so well? Everybody, grinning at me.. all smug..and me feeling so so bad.. Well, everybody got what they wanted..I hope yous are all happy now.. because one thing's for sure..I'm not, but that doesn't seem to matter..
I want this all to end so much and for it all to go away..