Number 12.. calm and tranquil

Monday morning. Pit-stop number 12. Driving to Wexford. An hour with Diann.

I haven't been analyzing my thoughts during the days building up to this session, I haven't been worried, I haven't been keeping notes of things I want to tell her and discuss. I haven't felt the need. I can trust my head not to let me down now. I know that I can now rely on my gut feeling to just say whatever I need to get off my chest. It will come naturally. I've been able to think clearly this week, I haven't been muddled and my head hasn't been foggy.

It's been a very calm week. A lot of things have come up, I've realized a lot of different things and I've been able to cope.
After the visit to the doctor on Tuesday, where I was told that I should be doing more and that I'm making progress and that my weight has gained (which was too much "good" information for me to deal with in the space of a 15 minute conversation), which threw me off course for a short while. However I got back on track and from Thursday all was very calm and tranquil. A strange feeling I hadn't felt for a couple of weeks. I think it was mainly because of the Chinese herbs I'm taking. Mr. Acupuncturist prescribed them, I started taking them on Wednesday. I have to take them 3 times a day and they take the edge off the emotions that are arising. It makes them come up more naturally and makes them easier to deal with. Thinking back, it sometimes felt like I was taking some kind of drug.. But in a nice chilled-out way.

Most of the week I've been tired, drained, emotional, but chilled. Thursday I was still feeling the effects of acupuncture. Very relaxed and tired at the same time.

Friday was a strange one. I felt so disgusting. I couldn't hardly walk to the kitchen without feeling the pressure on my chest and being out of breath, I couldn't lie down without feeling ill, like vomiting and like I had the worst dose of the flu. I felt so fragile, like the slightest noise would break me in 2.. I was emotional as well, but at the same time, I needed to get out of the house.. Usually I would have stayed in bed and I wouldn't have even contemplated going out, feeling as I did. But I was in such a "reflective" and chilled mood that I wanted to sit out in the fresh air, and just daydream. Unfortunately I didn't get out, so spent some hours in bed, and did my daydreaming from there instead.

Saturday wasn't too bad. I was still emotional and tired. I sat in the backgarden for a few hours, in the sun. Such a normal, easy and good thing to do..but it was so hard. It was my third attempt.. I'd feel so guilty about doing it, that I wouldn't even consider it. I know I'm being good to myself by listening to my ipod and by being in the sun. Everyone would be happy but I'd feel awful. 2 weeks ago, I tried, but I couldn't. A week ago, I tried sitting in the sun for just 15 minutes and I couldn't.. But Saturday I did, for 2 hours (it doesn't matter that I sat there crying and feeling so bad..).. I just need to practise doing things that are good for me.

It's a strange place I'm at right now. I'm seem to be at the stage now, that I'm wanting so much, but I can't deal with it all. Example: If I have too much people around me, with a lot of laughter and good moods, I can't deal with it. Sometimes I can for a short while, then it gets too overwhelming and I know that if I stay around it for much longer, that I'll turn into an awful grumpy person. It's so strange. Because I want to laugh, I want to have a giggle, I want everyone around me to be happy. But when I'm there too or I'm expected to constantly be able to join in, then it's like a smack in the face..Because I'm not able. It's the strangest thing. But then when I think about, rationally, it's pretty normal. Because a couple of months ago, my world was doom and gloom for days and days on end, it was just so black.. So it's only normal that I'm not suddenly back to my normal socialable self.. It's not possible. It's not like flicking a switch. You could compare it being taken over by Anna. It doesn't happen overnight, that's a slow process. So letting her go and returning to normal, is also a slow process.. So I shouldn't analyze it or worry that I'm not able for too much happiness around me right now, because it will slowly come back..

It's the same with my strength. Sunday I had a day where my head was so clear, my thoughts were so normal, I was feeling okay and I wanted to do so much. But I wasn't able for it all.. A classic symptom of mentally being further along than pyschially. I was so tired and my legs were weak and just being around the shops for an hour made me feel like going to bed.. But I didn't because I wanted to do more.. So we went for a drive and for coffee with Ma and Sean.. I was enjoying it, but feeling tired.. and then all this normality and good moods around me started to get to me.. It was getting too much. So after dinner I had to get away from everyone, or else I would have ruined it for myself. So I watched a dvd in bed, by myself and the day was over without bad humoured Anna taking control over it.

So, I want so much, but am not really able to do it all, just yet. I still get dizzy, lightheaded and feel weak. The guilt is also still an issue.. Diann advised that I deal with it, the way I deal with Anna telling me not to eat. Acknowlegde it..Know that it's there, and just let it be there, but don't give in to it, it will only make it stronger. Example: If I want to watch telly all afternoon, and sit on my backside, I can feel bad and guilty for sitting down too long. If I were to give into this bad feeling and react to the guilt by keeping busy and being productive, the next time the guilt comes up, it will be harder for me to ignore. It will take more strength to sit on my backside the whole afternoon. It's like with food. If I were to listen to Anna telling me all the time that the food I'm eating is making me fat and telling me I don't need it, I would start to restrict and eat less. And once I start eating less (even if it's a piece of fruit that I resist), then it's harder to get myself to eat it again..
So, just like I'm hearing what Anna is shouting at me.."Don't eat!!", I'm not reacting to it, I'm just hearing it, that's all. I have to learn the same with the guilt. I'll do things that will help me recover, Anna won't like it, and I'll feel bad for doing it, I'll hear it, but I won't react to it. The prime example..sitting in the sun listening to my ipod, I enjoyed it, but it felt so bad at the same time. I didn't give in, but the feeling of guilt was still there.
It might sound strange that the guilt feeling is such an issue. I never expected it to be.. But it influences the whole process at the moment. I determines how I get through my day. Feeling bad about every little thing I do..puts me in a bad mood. Sometimes it's so bad that laughing or even smiling feels wrong. The guilt makes me not want to do the things that I feel I should and the things I want.. It's tiring, head wrecking and it can be controlling too.. I have to train myself to not let it influence me. I can acknowlegde that certain things I do (even if I'm just laughing at Sean's comments) make me feel bad, but it doesn't mean I have to stop doing them.. It's all part of the "just being me".. I have to ignore the feelings that doing what I need to do, bring up.. How complicated this can be at times..

With my mood being "all over the place" it's mostly easier for me to be alone. I love to be alone.. Then there's no expectations of me, I don't have to act different to how I feel. Because that's what I can intend to do, especially when I'm sick of being an awful, grumpy and ungrateful cow.. That's how I feel so often. I feel bad for it, all the time, but I can't help myself most of the time. I don't want to act this way. Nobody deserves it, and I hate myself for it.. So that's why I'd rather be alone. If I am in a bad mood, nobody knows about it. I can be however I want.. Anna brings out the worst in me, and I don't like that side of me.. I want it to go away.. But it's just part of the whole process..

It will gradually all fall into place..I'm doing the right things..I'm sticking to the treatment..to all of it and I'm getting there.. But I still can't bring myself to say it outloud and I don't want to hear it either, from anybody else. I'm scared of what will come of all this, I don't know what to expect at the end of it. But I'm not going analyze or worry about how long it will take. I can't yet look back either over the past months..it's scares me too much. I'm not ready yet. So, I can't look back or forward right now...The present is far more important.
The thing that really scares me, is that I'm making too much progress. That worries me because I might not see it coming when Anna will knock me back and it'll be twice as strong.. I know I won't relapse, but it still does scare me. Another thing.. I don't want to live in a dream. I need to keep it real. But this whole thing doesn't seem real.. I don't even feel real. So it's hard to stay in touch with reality.. Maybe it's good for me to live in a dreamworld.. That way it will all soon be over.. I'll wake up and it will all have been one big nightmare..
I'm not too sure.. But I'm not going to pressure myself.. well, I'm trying not to..

All in all, a good week (and I'm not saying this outloud, I'm just typing it, so it isn't making me feel as awful). It was nice and calm..