A spark of the real ME coming through

Thursday morning. Just a little thought I need to share.

I've been worrying that I'm pushing myself too much through my recovery. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. It's seems to be going so fast. But at the same time, I've been slowing down, to get better and I'm learning to listen to the signals my body is sending through. Signals telling me to rest, telling me "no physical activity", but also signals telling me to deal with thing.. Listening to these signals is the only way I'll know how far I've come, if I'm going in the right direction whilst also making progress. I'm not forcing myself, but it's all just going automatically. Without me feeling the need to prove myself, without me pressurizing myself. Well, I'm do my best not to pressurize myself (changing the habits and creating new pathways).. But when things come up, and I'm able to deal with them, then it's good, isn't it? Then I'm not overdoing it. Then surely it's just my mind working as it should do, without me over-analyzing. Then surely it's just my nature. The way I'm dealing with things, how I'm choosing to deal with things and the amount of time it's taking to deal with things..I'm not forcing myself, it's just happening. Doesn't that just say something about the person who I am, and not the person I'm expected to be or the person I want to be. Because everyday I HAVE to tell myself.."Niamh, today you are just going to focus on "being", I'm going to force, push, prove or pressurize myself.." So whenever I want to write about things, things that are playing on my mind, without over-analyzing.. isn't that a good thing?

I'm still in control of my recovery, I'm the one who decides what's the best way to deal with it all..
The way things have been taking their course since I returned to Ireland on the 2nd of July.. Isn't that a good thing? It just says that, as I leave the feelings of trying to prove myself behind, my own personality is still there.. And that I do have a "driven personality" by nature. That this is the real Niamh (not that I was trying to be someone I'm not). Just me. Just me dealing with things the way I know is best for me.. A sign coming through of ME, without being held back or caught up with Anna. Slowly banning her from my life, and realizing that this is part of the real ME.. It's in my nature to deal with things head-on, facing the problems and, no matter how much pain and agony I've been feeling, still loving life and still wanting to embrace every moment.. What a relief, that I'm am the person I always thought I was. What a relief, that I haven't been fooling myself. What a relief, that I can still be me, without listening to Anna. What a relief, that I'm not a bad person. What a relief, that I am still ME..