Thursday morning

I went to bed last night, feeling sick.
I didn't sleep the way I have been doing the past week, either.
I woke up, still feeling sick. What kind of sickly feeling? Not too sure.
Just absolutely dreadful. I got up because I wasn't happy in my bed. Somehow I thought I would be happy if I wasn't..
Eileen said to me: "Niamh, it's only 08.30..why are you getting up?".. I said: "Because I'm bored.."
What an answer to give.. I'm bored.. right.. off to an extremely bad start..
With tears streaming down my face I went to the loo.. Had to stop crying..
There's no reason for it.. Pull yourself together Niamh. So I did.. Forced my breakfast down..Didn't want, was still feeling sick and full and hating food. But I had to. So I switched it off. Went for a shower in floods of tears. They wouldn't stop, so I just let them flow. I just let them be...

I went back to bed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to be alone. I felt so awful, I can't even describe what kind of awful it was. And the tears wouldn't stop. So confused. So many things wrecking my head. So my energy, but not be able to anything with it, other than drive my brain insane. That's all it was doing. I was worrying, I was restless, I was sad and angry. I was everything, and I had nowhere for it to go. I convinced myself that it was all my own doing. Everything, me having a bad day, is just in my head and there's no reason for it. What was going on with the world? With me? I don't care. Just leave me be, whatever it is that is making me so sad and angry. Let me rest. I need to be calm and then I'm frustrated because I can't make myself relax. So much about nothing.

Lying in my bed. Shutting out the world. It's much comfier than it was last night. Listening to the cars in the distance on the motorway. Other than that, absolutely nothing. The world could stop turning, I wouldn't notice, I wouldn't care. It's just me, feeling the pain in my head, from crying, and the pains in my legs. My big overgrown belly is starting to cause discomfort..it hangs to one side, it might even start to put extra strain on my back.

Too much energy from acupuncture yesterday, that I feel guilty not doing anything with it. I feel like I should be doing things. But why? I shouldn't really. I don't want to do anything, other than watch sh*t on telly or just lie in my bed. There's just so much going on inside and I feel so bad because of it. I want to make sense, but I can't. My head feels fuzzy and there's so much I want to know, but I don't know where the answers will come from.
Bed is probably the bed place for me today.. I'm not getting anywhere, just driving my crazy going round in circles... what a waste of time and a post..