2 years ago

It's the 2nd of October today. I can't believe how that happened.
Months have passed and I haven't even a clue as to what I've been doing to get through them. But that's not really what's on my mind.

It's the 2nd and exactly 2 years ago today, I started my adventure in Oz. It seems like a lifetime ago. But it only like yesterday at the same time. I've been dreading this day for some strange reason. Probably because the more months that go by, the more it all becomes a distant memory and I hate that. I don't want it to be a memory. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish to still had that life. I don't want to relive my days in Oz because that's impossible but I would to continue to live like that. I miss everything about it. Everyday Oz is mentioned somewhere around me.. If it isn't on the telly or radio or it's here at home in conversation. But mostly I bring it on myself, it's plays on my mind and there's always something that will remind me of my days in Oz.

Sometimes I think it's just because I can feel so trapped, being here. That that's the reason for me wanting it so bad. The lifestyle I had then and the one I have now are each others extremes..maybe that's why I long for it so much. The way I had freedom and was able to do anything, whenever I wanted .. finances permitting of course ;). Now I can't even walk down the town. I'm not going to give out about it, because I know why I'm here, it has to be done. But it doesn't make me long for it any less. It's probably only getting stronger as I'm mentally and physically getting stronger. It does put strain and pressure on me, wanting something so badly. It can make the bad days feel worse, because there's more for me to deal with. I could see it in a good way, the positive side..bla bla bla.. But I don't always have to energy to focus on how good this all is, because it doesn't feel like it. Isn't it far more important for me to be putting my energy into getting better than putting my energy into feeling positive about where I am right now..? O, I don't know..

All I know, is that feeling trapped makes me uneasy and makes me want to do so much that I'm not yet able to do. It's frustrating. I've got so many ideas and so many things that I feel I need to plan. But what for? I'm not going anywhere yet and I'm scared to think of how it's going to take before I get my life back on track and start living the life that I long for everyday.

It seems that the longing will get worse which means that I'm going to be wanting my own life back again..soon hopefully. Will I keep on pushing though? Is that what I'm supposed to do? If I don't push, then surely I'll come to standstill and I'll still be here months down the line? That's not what I want and I don't want to push too much either as it might slow down my recovery... O, I don't know..

I'll just keep on daydreaming anyhow about Oz and the world, surely that can't do me any harm? Even if it were to harm me, I can't stop daydreaming, it happens automatically..